As a coach I am always amazed at how uniquely different each and every one of my clients is.  And thank goodness for that, otherwise I’d just start Coaching by Numbers (first you do this, second, you do this other thing, etc.).

Teaching Brooke’s Self Coaching 101 model is no different. How you teach the model is going to depend, to a great extent, on your client – where she’s at in her experience with thought work and whether she has grasped the concept that thoughts create feelings. I have found that coaches, especially when they’re just starting out, have a vested interest in getting their clients to feel better by the end of the first phone call. If a client feels better, then we can feel good about the coaching session, right?

Um, not so fast. You may have given an A+ performance in “teaching” your client something – she may have understood what you taught her in theory (i.e., in her head) –but until she makes the connection in her heart, she hasn’t fully grasped the concept that thoughts create feelings. In other words, she has to literally feel the difference, not just see it in her head.

As you have undoubtedly witnessed, making the connection between the thought and the feeling it in your heart is an experience. It’s as if a curtain has been pulled back on a giant lie that has kept us in a holding pattern in life. We feel a release – it’s like letting go of something that we’ve been holding onto so tightly without understanding why. Until we “get it.”

I love when this happens… not only to my clients but to myself, as well. It’s like one big giant WTF with a cherry on top.

In order for this to happen you will need to be patient. You cannot be the one to decide when this “should” happen for your client. You cannot be the one to choose “the moment” when your client will “get it.” Too often I’ve seen coaches rush to get their clients to feel better so they can end the session on a positive note. (Hey, I’ve done it myself, especially when I started out, and I’ve come to realize it’s not all that satisfying, especially when the client soon finds herself back on her ass.)

Slow down. Listen. Ask why. Then ask again. Don’t be in such a hurry to find that “better feeling thought.” It’s often overrated. Give your client a chance to really understand where her pain is coming from. Her thoughts have been with her for a very long time – don’t expect them to go away easily. Thoughts, and their corresponding feelings, are a call for attention. Help your client give herself all the attention she needs.

Now go forth and coach, Coach.

Lin Eleoff is a Master Certified Coach and author of the upcoming book, Extreme Self Coaching: Another F*ing Growth Opportunity, and her new coaching program by the same name. Check it out here. Lin has also been one of Brooke’s instructors at The Life Coach School and loves mentoring coaches.

The Five Layers of “Why?” – How to Use the Ritz Carlton’s Method to Identify the Root Cause of Any Problem

By Maggie Reyes

“Why?” is bar none my favorite question ever.

If you ask my best friend what she remembers about growing up with me (besides the slumber parties and ice cream) she will say it’s that I always asked why – ever since I was a child, I wanted to know how things worked and why things are the way they are.

So imagine my delight when I was studiously learning life coaching tools and techniques and our Master Coaches drilled into us that why is the most important question we can ask our clients whenever they are stuck, feeling bad or otherwise not standing in their personal power.

I was giddy.

You mean now I get to ask why for a living? Seriously. I love my life.

Then I read a book about Excellence. The book is called, “Exceptional Service, Exceptional Profit: The Secrets of Building a Five-Star Customer Service Organization.” It profiles the service culture and procedures at the Ritz Carlton and the synopsis on Amazon is right on. They say that [the authors’] philosophies, rules, and winning examples of service excellence will make you want to implement their suggestions immediately in your own organization.”

Yes I do. I want to implement their suggestion in the organization called my home, my relationship and the management of my mind.

Why do I want to use their suggestions?

Well it’s very simple really. The same method Life Coaches use to help their clients identify the thoughts and beliefs that are holding them back from their full potential is the exact same strategy that the Ritz Carlton uses to ensure 5 Star luxury service at their hotels.

Whenever the Ritz Carlton team identified a problem, mistake or inefficiency their directive is to get to the root cause by using a very simple method that we have baptized and re-named in my house, “The 5 Layers of Why.”

Let me repeat – you can use the same tool the Ritz Carlton and  Life Coaches use to get to the root of any problem.

Symptoms are never the issue. Remember this.

Symptoms are alarms, alerting you that something is wrong. Solving a symptom is never the answer.

Identifying the root cause is the most powerful thing you can to do solve any problem.

Those Ritz Carlton people – brainy. So pay close attention to what I am about to say.

When you are experiencing a problem of any kind –

Stop.

Pause.

Sit. Or stand if you must, but definitely stop and pause.

And then…

 Ask Why at least 5 times.

Here is an example from the book:

Problem: Late Room Service

1.      Why? Waiters stuck waiting for elevator

2.      Why? Elevator monopolized by housekeeping

3.      Why? Housekeeping searching for/storing/hoarding linens

4.      Why? Shortage of Linens

5.      Why? Inventory of linens only sufficient for 80 percent occupancy

Do you see how asking one or two whys is not enough to get the root of the problem? Do you see how knowing that there is not enough linen on hand empowers the team to order more linen and solve the bigger problem?

Here is an example from life:

Problem: Wife Crying

1.      Why? Husband snapped at her and used a nasty tone

2.      Why? He was exasperated

3.      Why? Wife was late to a very important client dinner

4.      Why? Because she just found out she is pregnant

5.      Why? She is scared to share the news

6.      Why? Husband took 20% pay cut last year

7.      Why? She is worried about how they are going to pay for medical bills

Do you see how the Wife crying is a symptom that is like an alarm saying “something is wrong here”? Giving her Kleenex and stopping the symptom will do nothing to solve the underlying problem of her worry about the medical bills. However talking with her husband and finding out the new client is going to bring in double last year’s business might give her relief. Sharing with him that she is pregnant, might help him understand why she was late and his frustration could become excitement and joy.

The 5 Layers of Why is not cake, but the relief it can give you is sweet and delicious.

Is there a situation on your mind right now that you can ask Why about to identify the root cause?

Maggie Reyes believes living the life you love with the love of your life is possible when you learn to ask powerful questions that shift your thinking and transform your experiences with your spouse. She is a Blogger and Life Coach at www.modernmarried.com and co-hosts the Life Coach Jam podcast with fellow Life Coach School graduate, CJ Blaquera. Learn to think like you mean it and love your life on purpose here: http://modernmarried.com/life-coach-jam-podcast/.

We mostly talk about the ones we have written for others to follow.

We believe if they follow our manuals we will be happy.

When they don’t, we feel frustrated.

We give all of our emotional power away.

But how many of us are also unwantingly following manuals others have for us?

And calling it love?

It’s not.  When you behave the way someone wants you to, for their sake, and the expense of your own, it’s tragic.

Not to be fixed in a get pissed off and yell at them for having the manual kind of way.  Just to be noticed.

When you pretend to want to do something you don’t want to do…

You are lying.

You are out of integrity.

That’s not kind or giving or wonderful.

It sucks.

My solution for all of this is to take responsibility for my own feelings.

To allow people to behave exactly as they want to behave without blaming them for how I am feeling.

And to refuse to follow any manual I don’t want to follow. To stop lying.

That’s where I find connection based on truth.

The place where manuals are not necessary.

When did you learn to be ashamed?

At what age did you start picking up the signals that you were wrong- wrong inside – for wanting to express yourself or be yourself?

I don’t remember the first time it happened to me, but I remember the last.

It happened last weekend at a place where I was supposed to be the safest – I shared something about myself and was lovingly made fun of and I was frozen – completely devastated. The person that did this cruel act would not even remember it if you asked her and in no way intended to hurt me in such a deep way. But the reaction was instant. Frozen. Deep fire in my body. A desire to numb to escape an unbearable urge to cry. Then the thought – Ill never share anything with her again. Pull back. Into safety.

I talked myself out of the pain and using a long list of times she had been there for me and a trust I was willing to rebuild – quickly I recovered. But the interesting thing about this time is I did a ‘self check’ – Hmm I asked myself.. should I be ashamed? Am I wrong? No. I firmly know that I am in no way damaged or wrong or whatever else that little voice whispers to me.

Was this my end of shame?

Yes.

I have been processing the emotion of shame for about 2 years. I was traumatized from my drug and drinking days and other embarrassing and shaming events in my life and would refuse to re-visit these memories no matter how often the would pop back into my head. Has this ever happened to you? You just cringe or crawl back inside yourself when the memory of something pops back into your head?  You feel that same burning face and urge to disappear?

Then I saw why they were revisiting me. Because I needed to deal with the trapped emotion of shame.

So I decided to try and figure out how to dissipate shame. So I consciously and on purpose starting bringing up the most shameful, panic inducing trauma I have suffered and sat in the feeling until I could visualize my current self sitting in the memory with nothing but compassion for the past me. It only took a few seconds or half a minute at most – the emotion of shame washing over me. Bringing up all the physical sensations- truly inviting it in. Then it was gone. Now the memory has a new feeling attached to it – not shame but compassion. Trauma gone. Kathie healed. Bring it on.

I did this for every event I could think of needless to say it took me a while. You can’t drink and use drugs for years and not rack up many traumatic events. Once I got the hang of how to process the emotion and realized how good it felt after, I was like an addict again – searching out memories just to get them processed and free myself from the bondage of shame.

My past shame was over. I no longer walk around ashamed of who I am and what I have done.  I look inside myself and see someone I like, even love.  No one could ever convince me I am bad or wrong or tell me I should quiet my voice.

I am my own best friend. I have my own back. What a great feeling.

Does shame hold you back? Do you believe that you are bad or broken in some way? The biggest lies we tell ourselves are the ones that hurt the most because they are so far from our true selves.

I do not have superpowers. I started this life improvement journey because it was this or well, you get the picture. I am an example of a personal journey towards getting thin and ending up with something so much better – joy.

For about an hour.

Not because I was sad, but because I was happy.

I just had a huge enrollment at the school. This has been my most successful year of my life in business.

I received several emails thanking me for my work.

I was offered a huge opportunity from a major TV network.

I had a beautiful day with my extended  family.

I found an amazing outfit shopping in Charleston.

So I cried with joy alone in the shower.

I had what I perceived to be a rough start to this year.   And now I seem to be overwhelmed with joy.

There’s  something about joy that is very close to pain.  They both bring up vulnerability that brings me to my knees.

Thank you all for sharing this journey with me.

I have never felt more blessed to know each of you.

You can check her awesomeness out at:  http://www.chickadeeweightloss.com/

What Is Perfect: A Personal Story

I returned from New Jersey yesterday, the state in which I lived for the first 23 years of my life. Going home has always been an emotional experience for me.

I left New Jersey because I desperately needed to hit the reset button. Some might say I escaped or ran away from my problems. I disagree.

In order to heal, grow and change, we sometimes need space – and lots of it. Like a plant that has outgrown it’s pot. My new pot was the state of Colorado and a fresh start with my husband Brett.

I’ve blossomed as a result, but until now, there has always been lingering pain around my family and my childhood.

In the days before my most recent trip, that familiar feeling of anxiety emerged, as it always does when I’m headed East. But I made a different choice this time. I decided to embrace the anxiety – no more ignoring the emotion and hoping it would just go away (FYI – it won’t).

We think it’s so much easier to ignore a negative emotion. We’d rather pull the covers up over our head than face the truth. Guess what, it’s not easier, it just makes it hurt more.

My coaching mentor, Brooke Castillo, says it so well:

We know we are eating to avoid the sadness (or anger or disappointment). The pain seems so much more difficult than the cookies. But it’s not. The pain covered in cookies becomes pain covered in fat, covered in more pain. Pain is hard. To go through and feel the emotion instead of avoiding/distracting takes courage.

As a coach, I understand the power of emotion. When something feels bad, it’s a red flag, the body’s way of saying, hey, something needs paying attention to, look at me, listen to me.

I decided to listen this time.

I’ve been holding onto a dream for 37 years. The dream of a large, close knit family with holiday traditions and Sunday dinners, weekly phone calls and family vacations, barbecues and long Skype sessions. The dream of a childhood filled with memories of peace and stability, rather than fear and uncertainty.

Here’s the truth – when you spend all of your time wishing and longing, you miss the reality of what is. And what is can be amazing.

I recognize that now. While descending into Denver International Airport yesterday, 30,000 feet or so above Nebraska, I decided to answer this question – what is perfect about my family?

1. I am on speaking terms with and genuinely love my parents, sisters and nieces. So many families no longer speak. The pain tears them apart. Although we don’t talk or visit often, I know that I can pick up the phone at any time and chat with my Mom, Dad or sisters and they’ll be happy to hear my voice and I’ll be happy to hear theirs.

2. I have an amazing husband. Brett has a heart of gold. He is kind, generous and forgiving. He is my best friend and my soul mate. I’ve known him for almost 20 years and he loves and accepts me for exactly who I am.

3. My husband’s family is the big, loud, fun, crazy, close-knit bunch that I always wanted to be a part of. When I first met my husband’s family, I didn’t know what to make of them. I didn’t want to be a part of their family. I hid in the corner like a frightened dog. I was jealous. I was insecure. I felt sorry for myself. All of that has changed over the years. I attended a Spurr family BBQ on Sunday, even though Brett was here in Colorado. That’s something I would have NEVER done, not even a few years ago.

After I left, I sent a text to Brett’s cousin Ilene. It said, thanks again for the invite. I just love your family. She replied, you mean our family.

Wow!

4. I have family traditions – and they are awesome. So it’s not Christmas at Aunt so and so’s house, but who cares. It’s Christmas Eve at Taos Pueblo with bonfires and Native American dancing. It’s Thanksgiving in New Mexico at our friend Gina’s house, which is always packed with the most fabulously eccentric mix of artists, doctors, ex-Wall Streeters and ski bums. It’s the cheesiest card competition on Valentine’s Day and our annual Vegas vacation with my hilarious father-in-law and his wife Beth, who I adore.

I could go on, but this post isn’t really about me. It’s about you and the emotions you’re avoiding. I can promise you this, the pain of avoidance is so much greater than the pain of acceptance. In fact, acceptance feels amazing, like a giant weight has been lifted. Acceptance allows the light and love to come flooding in.

It can be scary as hell to confront our emotions. But the alternative is a destructive monster called avoidance, and that monster so often leads to depression, violence, addiction, loneliness and yes, obesity.

I’m not going to tell you what to do. But the next time that familiar feeling rises up – you know the one – remember that you have a choice. You can avoid it or you listen to what it’s trying so hard to tell you.

If that frightens the shit out of you, start with a single question, what is perfect about this situation?

Releasing the resistance that prevents them from getting the results they want.

One of the things we have been working on is Marketing.  I recently released my Coach Marketing Online Course and we are discussing a lot of the concepts I’ve included in the class.

One of the points I keep making is that our clients hire us because of what they want for themselves.

They do not hire us because of who we are.

They believe we can give them something, show them something, teach them something, or help them with something. That is the only reason they hire us.

So, when you are creating content for your website, you must remember to talk about what it is they want or need and how you are going to help them get it.

You can’t simply tell your story or talk about you.  You do this on your about page, but the rest of the site is about your client.

This is what I have for you. These are the products I am offering you. This is the answer to your problem. This is what I can give you to help you with that.

Your site is your offer to your client.  They have come to you because they want something.

Make sure you let them know you have it.

How High Cholesterol Helped Me Write a Book

Let’s say we put High Cholesterol in the C line. Humor me (because I can prove it in court, dammit!).

C = High Cholesterol

What happens next is mind-blowingly, brilliantly, framazingly, I-don’t-believe-I-could-ever-believe-that ca-razy thinking. At least I thought so.

What I’ve been putting in the T line has impacted my whole life. Yes, I am being melodramatic, but I am desperate to keep your attention.

You see, I’ve been doing a dance with High Cholesterol for a few years — at least that’s who I thought I was dancing with. Aha! This is where things get murky, where thoughts and beliefs and actions get all twisted up into one big honkin’ chocolate mess.

Fine… I’ll give you the T line:

T = Oh my gawd that means I’m gonna die young!

Who knew? That bugger of a thought has been hiding in a trash-can behind the other trash-cans filled with old beliefs that have been buried in the garbage-shed of my mind. I thought I had pretty much emptied those cans of ick, but I always had a sneaking suspicion that I left some behind — I swear I could even smell it at times.

And lo’ and behold, I was right — sometimes I wish I would listen to me more often.  The underlying belief is this: “If I die, it will ruin everything.” As in: everything! 

And the most horrifying part of everything was: my death would ruin the lives of my four children — that they would not be able to live without me.

Which brings me to the F line:

F = FEAR– the mother of all feelings; damn you Fear, you really know how to ruin my life!

Yeah, ‘cause it’s fear’s fault. (That was sarcasm.)

I have been writing a book at the same time I started dancing yet a-gain with my old dance partner, High Cholesterol, which would step on my toes and hurt really badly and cause all this resentment which was disguised as I don’t care. I didn’t want to care. It was bo-ring.  But I should care, I argued — because it is probably going to kill me. So then I would shift to fear again.  Invariably I would kick High Cholesterol in the shins and stop dancing. I ran away. I pretended not to care. Then I pretended to care. WTF?

Which brings me to the A line:

A = I would scratch my head, wonder what’s missing, do cholesterol-lowering things, then stop doing them. Oy. Can you say spin cycle fast five times?

R = Book not getting written. Website not finished. Cholesterol still high.

This R makes sense to me because, heck, if I’m going to die young, I don’t even have to finish anything anymore. Why bother, right? (More sarcasm).

I have done so much in my life; I have created a wonderful life despite having allowed fear to have such a solid grip on my ass. This makes me wonder: what could I do without fear? How much more is there in me to create should I decide to kick fear in the ass?

Oh… just imagine the places I could go!

Which brings me to my book. All this dancing is great fodder for my book-no-longer-in-waiting. It has given me a newfound resolve: if I can clear the hidden garbage from the trash-cans of my mind, then just think of what I’ll be able to do as a coach, teaching others how to  do the same.

Stand back… because I have no idea how big I’m going to get.

Lin Eleoff is a certified Life Coach School weight loss coach and the creator and author of the crazy mom blog  . Her new class, Six Weeks to Smart Ass starts in October. 

I love this product. I think it is excellent and I can wait to share it with you next week.

As I was creating it, I kept thinking about the coaches who write me who don’t have any clients.

They know how to coach and they are damn good at it.

They know how to manage their mind and their fears.

But they don’t know how to get clients.  And, honestly, they don’t really want to know how.

They don’t want to do what we need to do to get them.

We have to make a decision about who we specifically want to serve and then we have to put ourselves out there and offer what we have.

It is intimidating and scary and confusing.

We want comfortable, safe, and clear.

So the answer to the question is yes, you are still a coach if you don’t have clients.  A coach is someone who coaches.

But you aren’t a paid coach.

If you want to get paid for coaching, you are going to have to get some clients.

Coaching a client and getting a client are two separate skill-sets.

Please make sure you learn them both.

by Forever Free with Bev Aron, Certified Weight Loss Coach

I turned the corner, and a woman opened her window and said “I love you”.
Life just keeps getting better, I thought.
She went on to say that she hurt her leg during power yoga, and instead of quitting, she remembered a blog post I had written about falling and continuing to run instead of using it as a valid excuse to quit.
This inspired her to continue the class, and although she found it painful initially, by the end of the class she felt energized and powerful and strong.

A few weeks earlier, an acquaintance thanked me. Her father died a few weeks before Father’s Day, and as she decided what to do that Sunday, she told herself that she had a choice – she could be sad, or she could celebrate his life. She asked herself “what would Bev do?” and she decided to celebrate. She had a big BBQ, was busy and celebrated an amazing Father’s Day with her husband, children and family.

Now, before you conclude that I am an amazing coach,
(and if you are about to fly me, based on these stories, to your deluxe yacht for private coaching, stop right here and email me directly)
I should let you know that I have not coached these women.

One is a former walking partner who witnessed me dropping pounds effortlessly and gaining joy as a result of examining and designing my mind and my thinking.
I don’t even remember us talking about ‘coachy stuff’ – I gave her a copy of If I’m so Smart Why Can’t I Lose Weight, and she is my biggest blog fan.
She’s since lost about 15 pounds, and become a toned, strong yogini  who balances in tripod and touches her heels to the floor in downward dog (man am I jealous).

The second woman attended one of my workshops and follows my blog.

That’s it.

It doesn’t always take much, in my experience.

We were talking about this during Weight Coach Training the other day -
How long it takes for people to change their thinking and the type of resistance our brains create.
Here’s what I told the students:

For many of my clients all it takes is permission.

Permission to think differently.

Permission to look at whatever happens positively.

Permission to choose to celebrate even when sad things happen.

Permission to test your strength and see how far you can go even when common wisdom says you’ve done enough.

Permission to love your body even if you’re overweight.

Permission to not care if other people think you’re too much, or too little, or too braggy.

Permission to decide you are lovable even if noone else tells you so.

Permission to decide how you will perceive this event, despite how everyone else is perceiving it.

Permission to choose peace, even if everyone else is fighting.

Sometimes, just knowing that one person is doing it
Is all it takes for another person to choose it too.

This blog is dedicated to our brave, intuitive, funny, strong, powerful and brilliant  Weight Coach students at the Life Coach School. I am so excited to think of each of you giving people all over the world permission to think in a way that feels better, no matter what, and inspiring them to do it by doing it yourselves. Namaste.  The Light within me honors and respects the Light within you.