Ep #121: Friday Coach Like

Welcome to the Life Coach School podcast, where it's all about real clients, real problems and real coaching, and now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.

Hello, hello, hello, summertime. How are you guys? Hey, I have a treat for you today. I am going to read to you from some of my pieces that I have done over the past year in my Friday Coach Like. What I've done is every week if you are on my email list you get a copy of Friday Coach Like, and that is any time you've signed up with me for anything, a webinar or anything like that, you will get an email from me that's very short that tells you what's going on, what's up with me and will also give you just a little bit of advice or a little bit of content or coaching suggestion, so if you're not on my list, the best way to get on that email list is to go to our training page and opt in to our video series, and then we will automatically add you to Friday Coach Like.

If you don't want to be part of the training series, that's fine. Just hit reply and say, "I just want to be added to Friday Coach Like," and then you will get these every Friday and they will brighten up your weekend possibly. The other thing I'm going to do is towards the end, I'm going to add some of my writings from back in the day. I'm going to do a little flashback at the end from some of the writings I did from when I was a coach, when I was coaching one on one, and just share with you some of my previous writings that I did when I was kind of in a different place but I think they're still very applicable to learning all of the things that I'm still trying to learn today, so let's begin.

Friday Coach Like and Honor. As most of you have heard me say, this has been a huge year of learning for me. First, I learned constraint. I learned how to limit the number of decisions I was making. Second, I learned decisions ahead of time. I learned how to make decisions and honor them later. These 2 things have changed my life in ways that I could not have imagined even 1 year ago. The most significant change is the amount of honor I have accumulated for myself. I make decision for myself in the future and then I honor it no matter what. I say I won't drink wine and I don't. I say I'll create a new program and I do. I commit to working out and I work out. I just do it because I told myself I would.

This is such a simple, beautiful thing to do, but it wasn't always so. I used to make promises to myself and then betray those promises. I used to make commitments and then answer them with excuses. I destroyed my relationship with myself by undercutting my own integrity by not following through. It was more devastating than I can relate when it comes to having an honorable relationship with myself. I have realized how important that is. I love honoring myself. It feels amazing on both sides.

Friday Coach Like and Focus. You can choose to focus on the people you don't like or the people you love. The money you don't have or the money you do. The money you have or the money you don't. What has worked out or what hasn't. How far you have come or how far you have yet to go. It's a simple thing to understand but not so easy to remember. You are in charge of the direction your brain goes. You are the one with the controller. If you choose to focus on the negative then that is how you'll feel. If you focus on the abundance, the wonder and the success you'll have, then you will feel amazing. You have running water and lights and a computer and eyes that see and curiosity and love and me. Yes, you have me, and I have you. Thanks for being here.

Friday Coach Like and Letters. This past weekend I went to a resort with my extended family for our dad's 70th birthday. It was fun, but I tend to have lots of negative thinking when I'm around my family. My sister tends to say things to me when she's been drinking, that, well, upset me. She has thoughts about me and my husband that she thinks we should know. Um, not so much, so I decided to write her a letter. I required myself to write 2 drafts. The first draft was angry and yell-y and finger-pointing. Then I went through and edited it and tried to sound more like an adult. I felt so much better. I made good points about how I felt and why. I tried to see it from her point of view and explained it the way I saw it. Then I put it in my saved folder and slept on it.

When I woke up, the negative feelings were gone. Not one trace of them. My thoughts were clear and my heart was light. I never sent that letter and I most likely never will. I don't need to change how she acts towards me. I just need to change the way I think about it. Write a letter and never send it. A simple way to clean your mind.

Friday Coach Like and Decisions. I'm obsessed with the idea of decision fatigue and how it affects us. I've been studying willpower, the brain and choice every second I get. I'm doing it mostly for my students in Stop Overeating Masterclass but I want to share it with you. Here's a useful summary you can apply right now. Decisions require mental effort. You have limited mental effort. When your mental effort is depleted, you have no willpower. Willpower is needed when you want to maintain and create better habits, for example, eating less, procrastinating less, exercising more, managing your emotions, so the obvious solution is to make less decisions, except we live in a world where we have more decisions to make than ever. What to do when each email comes in? Where to work and how to live? What brand of toothpaste to buy? What should I make for dinner?

I've created 2 solutions for myself, constraint and decide ahead of time. The most interesting thing about willpower is the people who have the most of it need to use it the least. The reason? They create a life for their daily decisions are few. Trust me and try this. It can change everything.

Friday Coach Like and Good Enough. Most of my students worry that they aren't good enough, they don't belong. I can totally relate to this. I spend a large amount of time trying to be better than I am. I want to be kinder and more lovely and softer and patient. I want to say better thing and react to everything with peace, but I don't most of the time. I react and say things in anger. I'm bitchy and grumpy. I worry about things I can't control. It's my human experience. I try to remind myself that we aren't supposed to do all light and goodness. We have both the light and the shadow by design.

To accept and love ourselves might include accepting and loving the parts that aren't better, so instead of trying to be better than we are, I think the best way to belong is to recognize that we all feel this way. No one has found a way to be better than they are in this moment. It's not necessary or possible. Good enough is available to all of us, now.

Friday Coach Like and Approval. What if you didn't want anyone's approval? What if disapproval didn't bother you at all? My guess is your life would look completely different, so if you spend a lot of time in your life seeking approval, it's important. We understand it. What is it? How do you know if you have it? What I have learned is that approval is a mental construct. It's not even about the other person. It's our interpretation of what we think they think. Let me review. We spend a huge portion of our lives seeking approval and approval is our idea of how someone else thinks of us. Very seldom does someone say, "I approve of you," and even when they do, we don't really know what that means. Does it mean they like what we're doing for their sake or that they like what we're doing because of their idea of what we should be doing with our lives? Either way, it's an inauthentic way for us to live. If other people don't approve of us, that's okay. What then?

Friday Coach Like, Investing vs. Spending. Are you guys out spending a lot of money on holiday gifts? I want to give you a reminder. There's a huge difference between money spent and money invested. Both are important. When you spend money, it's gone. No financial return coming to you. When you invest, you get a return on your money. I believe you should have a nice balance of both, so whenever you take money out of your wallet, as yourself what you're doing. Does the money you are spending have the potential to make money in the future or does is it just a spend that is worth the money? If it's neither, put that trinket down and walk away.

Here are some of my favorite spends and investments. Spend. First class airfare, vacation to Paris, dinner at my favorite restaurant, Ella's, my cars over the years, my 2 puppies, clothes and gifts that delight my kids. Investments. My Apple laptop, office space, coaching with Frank Kearn, life coach training, books, tutoring for my son, Christian, my Life Coach School team. What are yours?

Friday Coach Like and Negative Emotion. I embrace the idea that I will feel negative emotions half of the time. This makes my life better. It keeps me from resisting, avoid and reacting to all those pesky emotions. I recognize the truth - that human beings are meant to experience contrast. Unhappiness makes happiness better. Excitement doesn't really have much meaning without boredom, so when those emotions come, I don't panic. In fact, I've learned to invite them in. When I lock the door and try to keep them out, they just bang and break windows, so I open the door and give them space. Restlessness has a place. Agitation is welcome. Frustration visits often. It's all fine. I don't treat them like strangers or predators. I don't try to control them. They're all a part of the human experience. They come and go. I know this. I am not afraid.

Friday Coach Like and Creating Reality. Often, I get new students coming to me wanting to learn how to create their reality. I start with the good news. You're already creating your reality. This is not something you will begin doing. This is something you've been doing your whole life. Your thoughts create your feelings and your feelings create your actions and ultimately your results, so you see what you look for, and what you look for depends on what you're thinking. The only reason you don't have the results you want to have is because you aren't deliberately choosing your thinking. Why not? You know this stuff. You understand that thoughts really do determine your results. You want a different reality? You have to put some time into deliberately choosing and practicing different thoughts. You can't just think about the concepts. You have to do the work of changing your mind, so this week, just choose 1 thought to practice. Practice thinking and believing it. Notice the huge different 1 new, believable thought can make.

Friday Coach Like and I'm A Life Coach. I'm a life coach. It's what I do for a living. It's how I support my family. It's how I make a contribution. It's my purpose. If someone doesn't understand it or belittles it, I don't take offense. I don't justify or try to explain. If they smile a patronizing smile and metaphorically pat me on my head, I smile back and don't say a word. I'm a life coach. I can't think of more important work. I love what I do. I help people live their most amazing lives. If someone thinks their corporate cubicle job is somehow more important, that's fine with me. I know that no work matters more than another, but what I do from home and my laptop matters. It matters a lot. I'm a life coach. It's what I do. It's who I am. I never try and hide what I do. I never try to think of another way of saying it. I couldn't be more proud. I'm a life coach.

Friday Coach Like and Create a Career. Everyone talks about getting a career. They talk about asking for one and interviewing for one and getting offered one. I say you should just create one. Depend on yourself. Create what you want and do it, and please do it well. Do it as well as you would if it were for someone else. Better. Show up and do your best. Give your best to your clients. Wear something nice for them, even if you're just on the phone. Give them way more than they expect. Love them and love yourself. I often thank myself for creating this dream career for myself. It wasn't easy, but I'm worth it. So are you.

Friday Coach Like and Overeating. I'm always fascinated to watch people who never overeat. They simply just stop eating when they aren't hungry. They will leave a sandwich half-eaten on the plate without a thought in the world. If they only knew. So many of my clients want this effortless relationship with food. They struggle to stop overeating. They struggle to lose weight. They struggle to know what and when they should eat. None of it seems to come naturally. I've been there, and honestly it was the hardest thing I've ever overcome. I remember thinking if I could figure out how to have a normal relationship with food, I would share that answer. I did and I am.

The desire to overeat is the problem, not overeating. You can't just try to stop overeating without understanding that desire, otherwise it will always be a struggle that requires willpower and is not sustainable. Remove the desire and there is no struggle.

Friday Coach Like and Obstacles. Think about what you want. Seriously, let yourself dream. Now, think about all the obstacles to getting it. Yep. Think about all the things between where you are and where you want to go. Those things will tell you exactly what needs to happen to make it happen. Don't be afraid of the obstacles. Don't avoid them. Write them down in detail. Just like every problem has a solution, every obstacle has a strategy. Those strategies take you from here to there. How will you overcome those obstacles? You would not be given a dream without the ability to achieve it. 1, write down your goal, your dream, with a due date. 2, write down all the obstacles between where you are now and being there, and then write down the strategies to overcome each obstacle. That's your to-do list.

Friday Coach Like and Do Something. We are too obsessed with the nuts and bolts of our dreams. We're stuck in the inaction because we don't know exactly what to do. My suggestion: Do something. Anything. The universe likes to find you working. You'll never know what you will learn or who you will meet by doing something. You for sure won't find that opportunity sitting at home, trying to decide. Stop trying to decide and start doing. Now. Yes. Do something, anything, right now.

Friday Coach Like and The Heavy Purse. Have you guys heard me talk about the heavy purse? It's my metaphor for allowing emotions. Sometimes we have an emotion we want to avoid. We'd rather overeat, overdrink or escape rather than allow the emotion. The option of allowing an emotion seems debilitating when we're busy or tired, but the truth is it takes just as much energy to avoid as it does to feel, so instead of trying to reject the emotion, practice carrying it. Carry it like a heavy purse. Pay attention enough to feel that it's there. Continue your day, get your work done, carry the purse. Emotions don't have to drive any type of negative behavior. We can feel them. We can allow them. We can carry them. It doesn't mean anything's gone wrong. It means you're a human being. Carry on.

Friday Coach Like and Try This. Okay, so try this. Find a mirror. Look into your own eyes and say "I love you." Hold your gaze. What do you feel? What thoughts come up? What do you feel compelled to do? Notice especially where your true focus tends to drift. Do you focus on your face or into your essence? See how long you can hold your own gaze. See how many times you can say, "I love you," and truly hear it.

Friday Coach Like and Feeling Better. So many of my students forget that how they feel is because of how they think. They think their feelings are outside of their control and dependent on their life's circumstances, but this is not true. Nothing has to change in your life for you to feel better. You get to feel the way you want to feel all the time, no matter what's going on.

Let's put my idea to the test. How do you feel right now? 1 word. Name a feeling. Happy? Sad? Bored? Angry? Interested? Whatever your answer, you can now locate the thought causing it, yes? Feelings don't happen without thoughts causing them. This is the most powerful information I can give you. No one, no matter how powerful, can create an emotion inside of you. Not without your believing what they say and thinking what they say on purpose. Best news ever.

Now I'm going to switch to a couple flashbacks from back in the day when I was writing as a one on one coach.

We All Just Want Love
Here's a thought that gives me peace. We all just want love. I think it when I feel someone has done me wrong, when a customer service can't find my pottery barn desk I ordered 2 months ago, when a friend says something mean about me and someone else tells me about it, when my son tries to hit me because he's so frustrated, when someone cuts me off in traffic or cuts in line at the store, when someone doesn't return an urgent email. I remind myself that these people, just like me, want to be loved. I haven't met anyone who doesn't want everyone to love them. Love is awesome.

I also want to feel love. I want to give love so much more than I want to feel frustration or anger. Somehow reminding myself that we both want the same thing, that even though we might be on the opposite sides in this moment, we really just want to be loved. It frees me from the conflict and drops me right into what matters. Even though you yelled at my face, you just want to be loved. Even though you said things about me that aren't true, you just want to be loved. Even though you're really angry right now, you just want to be loved. That's something I've got, love.

A Relationship With Yourself
Many of the hours I spent coaching are spent showing people themselves, not in a judging, "you should be different" kind of way, but in a "notice how you act, feel and think" kind of way. It's amazing how distant and different and distracted we are when it comes to what is really going on with us. How do you feel right now? Do you have a memorized answer to that question or can you hear what's really true in this moment? What's going on with you in your life? Do you look to your family and career to define this answer or can you access your own mind for what you're creating?

Mostly my clients are quietly desperate for their own attention. They want to know themselves on a deeper level. They want to see who they are. It's a scary process because getting to know anyone is. We aren't sure we will like what we learn, and that's okay. We don't have to like everything about ourselves. We don't have to pretend, but I do believe that it's our work in the world to know ourselves, the real truth of who we are beyond the expectations and the impressions. We need to know that someone cares what we think, feel and do. That's all consciousness is. Noticing what you're up to. The ultimate relationship is the one you have with yourself, and therefore that which created you and guides you.

The Universe is Good
It's just something I choose to believe. I don't like it when people complain about the world or the times or the way things are going. It doesn't serve us. It makes us part of the problem. I love the world. We live in the best of times and things are going great in so many ways. Is everything perfect? No. Thank goodness, but it's amazing, fantastic, exciting, beautiful. There's so much love and grace and brilliance. I know there's horrible, but I don't think focusing on it and worrying about it makes it better. I think more love is the answer, and more love is found in looking for what lights us up. It's found in what reduces our suffering, because when we are strong, we can help others, and when we are happy, we put more happiness into the world, and that's what we need. We need goodness, and the universe is good.

Trust Your Guidance
A few weeks ago we went to San Francisco to meet our extended family for the day. We met up with them in Japan Town and then planned ahead to the restaurant at the wharf. We'd never been in this particular restaurant before so although it wasn't far away, we put in the car's GPS. It comfortably started telling Chris what to do, where to turn and how many miles to drive. I dozed off in the passenger seat for a few minutes. When I woke up and looked around, I saw that we were driving out of the city. "Babe, where in the hell are we going?" "What? I'm just following the GPS." "Dude, you must have put it in wrong. We're going the wrong way." "I know this seems weird, but this is what it says."

I checked the address he had entered. It seemed right so we kept driving. About 10 minutes later we ended up on an empty pier. The GPS robotically said, "You have arrived at your destination." Um, no, we're at an empty, abandoned pier, so that didn't stop us from looking around as if it might appear. I called my sister, who'd been at the restaurant for 20 minutes and told her we were lost. She told us we were about 20 minutes away, the wrong way, in traffic. We looked at each other. We knew where the wharf was. How the hell did we end up so far away? Because we'd ignored our own guidance. We didn't listen to our internal GPS that knew where to go. We listened to something else. We let it override our knowledge.

As we drove back through traffic, all I could think about is how often we've done this in our lives. How often so many of us look to something or someone else to find our path, our way, our destination, at the expense of our inner guidance. It was a very good reminder. You know the way. Trust your instincts. Trust your guidance.

Not Your Business
Sorry, but you can't know what is best for someone else. You may think you have answers for how they should live in their life, but you don't. Thinking you do is nothing short of arrogant. You may think they should stop drinking or overeating or watching so much TV. You may want them to be kinder or more ambition or better at cleaning the house, but you want that because you think you know better. You don't. You have enough work to do in your own life, don't you? What do you want to be better at doing? Focus on that. Your judgment of others is hurting you. It's making you angry. It's making you crazy because you can't control them. You tell yourself it's out of love, but judgment isn't loving. Try to control isn't loving. You don't have the answers. You have your answers. Get to work on those.

The Satisfaction of Not Quitting
I want to quit all the time. I think of quitting on myself often, but I don't. It's easier to quit on a relationship than to do the work of making it strong and unconditional. It's easy to quit on your own business when work gets hard and no one acknowledges you or pays you for what you do. It's so tempting to quit on goals and dreams and ideas. They require courage, hard work and faith. Quitting on yourself requires nothing special. Not quitting is better, way better. Sometimes what's harder is better. Not quitting is a skill. You have to practice it. You have to not quit often.

I practice it when I work out, when I create new products, when I design a new class, when I dread a difficult conversation, when I feel a feeling instead of reacting to it. Quitting might give you temporarily relief. Quitting might give you the indulgence of releasing a challenge, but it denies you the honor of completion, of kicking fear and doubt in the head, of overcoming the garbage that stands in the way of you getting what you truly want, a satisfaction of knowing when it got hard, you didn't quit.

All right, my friends, that's what I have for you today. I am so excited to leave from recording this podcast to enjoy 2 weeks in Italy. Don't worry, I have recorded podcasts for you, so you will not miss 1 week's worth of podcast, but while you're listening, please know that I will be in the beautiful country of Italy, truly enjoying myself, my friends and my family. I hope you're having a beautiful summer. I'll talk to you guys when I get back. Bye.

Thank you for listening to the Life Coach School podcast. It is my honor to show up here every week and connect with people that are like-minded, wanting to take their life to a deeper level with more awareness and more consciousness. If you are interested in taking this work to the next level, I highly encourage you to go to the LifeCoachSchool.com/HowToFeelBetterOnline. It is there that I have a class that will take all of this to a deeper application, where you'll be able to really feel and experience how all of these concepts can start showing up in your lie. It's one thing to learn it intellectually. It's another thing to truly apply it to your life. I will see you there. Thanks again for listening.