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Brooke Castillo

Loving Someone Who Hurt Us


At the school, I teach the concept of unconditional love.

Not the Mother Teresa have to be a saint kind, but the selfish kind.

When we love something or somebody, we feel good.

So love is a very good choice when it comes to how we want to feel about anything.

Many of my students push back and tell me that the person they don’t love doesn’t deserve their love.

I tell them that’s the same as saying. “He doesn’t deserve for me to feel good.”

They understand intellectually, but still find it difficult to feel love towards someone who hurt them.

They can’t see how loving someone who abused them or violated them makes sense.

I tell them that, to me, the alternative doesn’t make sense.

Hating hurts the person doing the hating, so how does it make sense to choose hate?

Or anger? Or resentment? Or vindictiveness?

Loving someone who hurt us is something we do to take back our emotional power.

We get to decide how we want to feel no matter what the other person has done.

We get to feel good. Period.  On our own terms.

And that DOES NOT mean we condone what they did, or how they treated us, or what they said.

And it DOES NOT mean we have to spend time with them or call them or talk to them.

It means that we see them as a lovable spiritual being no matter what their transgressions.

It means we understand that they were created with the same source of energy that created us.

It means that what they did or didn’t do-isn’t who they are.

That who they are can be loved.

And we can selfishly make that choice, so we feel love and bring more love (not less) to the world.

Love is always the best, first choice.