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Ep #12: Boundaries

Most often people get confused about what boundaries are and what they are not. In this episode, we will set the record straight by looking at the difference between this amazing tool for creating intimacy and simply setting expectations for other people.

I would like for you to think about boundaries as a way that we take care of and protect ourselves rather than something that we create for other people. Tune in to learn how we can prevent others from violating important spaces in our lives and how to do it from a place of love.

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What You will discover

  • What boundaries are and, most importantly, what they are not.
  • Why it is extremely important to understand the difference between the two.
  • The similarities between personal boundaries and those of our home.
  • Why it’s important be clear with others about your personal boundaries.
  • Important things to remember when you’re setting boundaries.
  • The positive effect boundaries can have on your mental health.

Get the Full Episode Transcript:

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Episode Transcript:

Welcome to The Life Coach School podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems and real coaching. And now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.

Hey everybody, what's up? Oh my gosh, you guys, how fun has it been for me to do this podcast? I had no idea. I would have done this a long time ago. I have loved, loved, loved hearing all of your feedback and getting all your emails and seeing all the comments that you're doing on the website. By the way, if you want to go and make a comment, it's whatever episode it is. This is episode 12, so if you want to go there and leave me some comments, today we're going to be talking about boundaries. This is something that comes up with so many of my clients, and mainly, what people think boundaries are, they aren't.

I'm going to go through them in some pretty close detail here and talk to you about boundary issues and some things that aren't boundary issues, so it's good to now. I talked about this a little bit before but I'm going to really spend some time talking about it today because it's something that is really related to what I talked about in the last episode, which was on manuals, and this is very different than that. This is boundaries. A lot of people think that what boundaries are, they are things that we do to control other people and that is not the case. Boundaries are a way that we take care of and protect ourselves. Boundaries are not something that we create for other people. We create them for ourselves.

Let's start and let me just give you a visualization that will really help with this. If you think about your house and living in your house and the boundary line you have around your home, then it's really clear what a boundary is. All of us have either a really clear boundary around ourselves or we don't, and when we don't have clear boundaries, then people don't know if they're violating them or not, because if you don't have a clear boundary set up, then people don't know where it is. The first thing that all of us need to do is be really clear with ourselves as to what our boundaries are. An example I can use is most of us have a boundary that we will not be physically struck by anybody else, right?

We don't go around telling people, "Hey, by the way, please don't hit me and if you do hit me, I'm going to leave or I'm going to call the police." We don't have to say that. It's one of those unspoken really clear boundaries that most of us have. That's true for a lot of us when it comes to verbal boundaries too. Many of us will not tolerate being yelled at by other people, and that's a pretty clear boundary for many of us. For some of us, it may not be as clear of a boundary, and what it means to have a boundary is that you're really clear as to what you will stand for basically in your life and what you will expose yourself to. Once you have these really clear boundaries, then you can speak them to other people and you can talk to them about them when necessary.

The only time you need to use a boundary or talk about a boundary is when there's been a clear boundary violation. Now, if you're picturing the image of the house and you have this house and you have this boundary line around your house, if somebody comes into your backyard or if someone comes into your house, they have crossed into your boundary. That is a boundary violation. At that point, you can either freak out, shoot them, yell at them, scream at them or let them know, "Hey, I'm going to call the police." This is how I'm going to handle this. You need to leave, we inform them that there has been a boundary violation and then we let them know what we are going to do because they have crossed our boundary.

It is the same in life. We're not talking about the physical boundary of our house, but we're talking about the boundary of our emotional life, of our physical life. What a boundary is it's a really clear request of somebody else with a really clear consequence. Now, the word consequence there, it can be misunderstood, and so I want to make sure that you really are clear. The consequence is something that you will do. It is a behavior that you will take. Let me give you an example of a really clear boundary. If you smoke a cigarette in my house, I am going to ask you to leave my house. That's a pretty clear boundary. We don't really allow smoking here. This is what I will do if you smoke.

Now it's really important to remember that the person that you're making the request of can continue to do whatever they would like to do. Human beings can smoke cigarettes if they want. It is not a boundary violation until they come into our home or come into our car or come into our space, and notice how when I make the request, "Hey, if you continue to do that.", the consequence is the behavior that I will take. It's not you need to do this or you are going to die, something crazy like that. It's always you're making the request and then you're explaining what you will do.

Another example is if you raise your voice to me at the dinner table, when you're at someone's house as a guest, I am going to leave. If you continue to berate me on the phone, I am going to hang up. This can be really clear in working situations too. Even with people that are your superiors at work, it's really important to establish clear boundaries there as well. If you continue to raise your voice at me, I'm going to walk out of the room until you stop raising your voice at me, or if you continue to raise your voice at me, I am going to go speak with the HR Department because this is not something that I feel comfortable in this environment.

You make the request, you give them the option to do whatever they would like to do, and then you follow through on that request. A lot of people want to make requests with things that are not boundary violations. Here's what I mean by that. Some people will say, "Well, I would really like my husband to take out the garbage, or I would really like my husband to be more romantic, or I would like my boss to give me more praise, or I would like my girlfriends to call me back when I call them." Those are not boundary violations. Those are not boundary issues, and therefore, boundaries are not appropriate in that situation.

If for example, when you call your girlfriend, if she doesn't call you back, she has not crossed a boundary. She hasn't come in to your property and to your space, so then that is not a boundary violation and it's not appropriate for you to make a request with the consequence there. That's more of a manual issue. You would prefer that she call you back, but because it's not something that's infringing on your rights basically or your space, then it's not appropriate for a boundary. Now you could always say to her, and this is something I talked about in the last session, you can always say to her, "Hey, I would really love it if you'd call me back.", but just don't hang your happiness on what she does, because then we've moved in to trying to manipulate and control someone else's behavior for our own benefit. That's very different than somebody crossing into your life and into your boundary, and violating it and making it necessary for you to create a consequence.

Let's use another example. Let's say that somebody keeps coming by your house unannounced and knocking on the door and wanting to come in and see your kids. Let's say that this person is your mother in law. This is actually a real client situation that I had with one of my clients recently. The mother in law would just come by, knock on the door, want to come in, and in fact, sometimes, she wouldn't knock on the door. She would just come in to see the kids, and this is clearly a boundary violation. This is where it sounds like it's not clear that there's even a boundary there because my client just kept letting her come in, didn't say anything to her about it. Now, she needs to let her mother in law know that there is a boundary there, first and foremost, and that's really important because the mother in law may not even have any idea that that's a boundary issue and that it's something that is important to my client that she understands.

The first thing you say is, "Hey, I'd really appreciate it if before you come by, you give me a call." That's the first part, we've made the request, and the consequence is the behavior that we'll take, "If you're unable to call, the door will probably be locked and I may not be able to answer it or I may not answer it, just so you know. It would be better for you and for me that you call ahead and then I can let you know if it's a good time to come over and that way, it's not like you're going to come over and have a locked door and not be able to get in the house or I may be working on something else and not answer the door." That is a very valid boundary.

Now, here's the tricky part. Most of us want to have clear boundaries, but we don't want to follow through on the consequence part. We don't want to take the action that we say we're going to take, and that is the most important part of the boundary because otherwise, that boundary won't be taken seriously. There won't be any validity to that boundary because even though you've stated it's there, you're not following through on establishing it.

In this example, my client was going to have a really hard time locking that door and not answering it when the mother in law came by because of how she imagined the mother in law would feel. This is why boundary work is so, so important, because as long as she's not establishing a clear boundary there and as long as she is not taking care of following through on it, what's happening is the mother in law is coming over, she's coming into the house and my client is getting filled with resentment and anger and frustration, and she's biting her lip and she is ultimately creating a lot of resistance and a lot of problems in this relationship with her mother in law. Now, her mother in law is totally oblivious to this. She's coming over just to see the kids. She may assume, "Oh my gosh, my daughter in law loves this. She loves that I'm coming over and playing with the kids and aren't I a great mother in law?"

My client is really creating a lot of unnecessary resentment and drama, but the alternative is that she has to speak her truth and then follow through on it, and I will tell you what, this is hard work. I have done this work myself. This is hard work because this is the work of true intimacy. This is the work of really honoring ourselves and what's authentic and true for us, and being willing to let other people interpret it and make it mean what they will. We can explain to them, "Hey, this has nothing to do with you as a person. We love having you here. We'd love spending time with you.", but what this is about is me planning my day and just really wanting to know when you'll be here so I can prepare myself and be ready, and then the rest of the time, I can just know that I'm not going to have anyone knocking on the door and not possibly being ready. It's really important for me to know when people are going to be coming over to my house so I can plan for it.

These kinds of conversations are so difficult for so many people, so what we do is we stay in these relationships where we're pretending, and then we wonder why our relationships aren't deep quality, intimate relationships because we're all just smiling at each other, pretending that everything is great, and not really telling each other the truth and not having the conversations that really matter. This is something that I really, really encourage because I feel like it gets us locked into relationships that end up blowing up and having so much drama involved because what happened is we blame the other person for our lack of boundaries. My client is sitting around complaining about her mother in law, raging to her husband about it, complaining, constantly seething every time she comes over.

What she's doing is creating this for herself and in her relationship, and that ultimately is just going to explode. The mother in law is either completely oblivious because my client hasn't been taking care of her boundaries, or she's doing it on purpose but why not, because there's no consequence. There's no reason not to. One of the best books I've read on boundaries is a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud, and in this book, he talks about the idea that we have to love ourselves enough, we have to honor ourselves enough to tell the people in our life the truth, and to set proper boundaries, not just for the sake of ourselves and our own honor, but also for the sake of the person that is doing the boundary violating.

We need to take full responsibility because when we start blaming other people and resenting other people, not only are we powerless but we've created this unnecessary conflict with somebody else. I would say I did some boundary work with my families and people in my family, and I would say it is the most difficult thing because, as Henry Cloud says, you have to be willing to sacrifice the relationship if there is a consistent boundary violation, and when you're dealing with your mother in law or your mother or your father or someone else in your family that means a lot to you, are you willing to let that person walk away from you versus letting them violate your boundaries?

I know for me, some of the work that I had to do was telling people like someone in my family, "This is what's important to me. I need you to understand this." Of course, the person didn't need to understand it and they didn't understand it, but regardless, I still stated it and I said, "This is important to me. This is my boundary, and if you don't honor my boundary, I just won't pick up the phone. I just won't answer the door because it's that important to me." When I did this in my life, it really did sacrifice me having that relationship. That person was so upset that they didn't talk to me for a long time. It was very challenging, but I will say there was this level of I think honesty and purity that came over me, where I just felt clean. I felt like, "Aah." What happened is even though it was very difficult for me to have this person be upset, I knew that I wasn't ultimately responsible for their feelings. I was just responsible for mine, and I was the one creating all this resentment. I was hating on this person.

I was so frustrated with this person. What happened after that was we came back together basically as family members in a new and healthy way that had the established boundaries. This person doesn't necessarily like that. This person may want there to be fewer boundaries so they can do whatever they want, but there is that boundary that has been established and is respected. Let me tell you what's amazing about that. I no longer have any resentment. I no longer have any frustration, so when I am with this person, because I have honored my boundaries, I'm in a space of much more love and connection and intimacy.

Even though I was in a situation where I had to risk the relationship, kind of all or nothing, what ended up happening is something so much more true and real and honest between us. One of the things that comes up again and again for us is this idea that if we tell people the truth, and we're not telling them our opinion of them, we're not attacking them. We're not yelling at them. We are simply telling them our truth from our perspective. Now, if they choose to use that to be hurt or if they choose to use that to be upset, that honestly is not on us. Our truth isn't about them. Our truth is for us, and that is one thing that I did say when I was establishing my boundaries. This isn't against you at all. This is for me and for my family.

That was the same thing that happened with my client because she was so worried about being viewed as bad, and being viewed as rude and being viewed as uncaring. I told her it's so interesting because that's how you act, when you don't have proper boundaries. When she comes over unannounced, you are rude to her and you do act frustrated and you do snap at her, and then you have this pasted on smile that is just seething underneath, and you're doing those exact things because you don't have a proper boundary, and the reason why you're not setting the proper boundary is because you're afraid of doing those things. You can see how it's catch 22, but I will say when you set a proper boundary, when you tell someone the truth about yourself and about where your boundary is, that opens up the space for honesty and truth.

Let me just say this. There are some important things to remember when you're setting a boundary. One of them is all boundaries can come from a place of love, so if you're frustrated and angry and mad, my suggestion is you work through those emotions, you write down your feelings about them and you work through those until you can get to a space of calm, peace and love, before you ever talk to someone else. The reason why you are frustrated and resentful and upset is not because of this other person, not because the person is coming to your door and trying to get in and coming over unannounced. The reason you're frustrated and resentful is because you don't have proper boundaries and you haven't been speaking the truth. When you own that and you really take that on as your responsibility, then from that place, you can clean up those emotions, then you can have a conversation with someone else and you can tell them how you feel, what your boundary is and what you will do if the boundary isn't honored.

Really important, this is not manipulating someone's behavior. This is not expecting them to change for your sake, and that's the hardest part is I've worked with clients before that they set boundaries with people and they think, "Well, of course this person should honor my boundary. I've told them what it is.", and a lot of times people don't honor them, so then you have to follow through on that consequence. The following through on the consequence can sometimes come from a place of real frustration and anger, because you're like, "What the hell, I asked you not to come by. You came by and now you're forcing me to lock the door." They're not forcing you to do that. That is your boundary and your consequence, and try to get yourself in a space where you can do that from love.

When this happens, this is how I take care of myself, this is for me, not against you. Make sure you're really clear with your boundaries. The example with the mother in law coming by, let's say you do lock the door and let's say the mother in law does come by and you don't answer the door. Well then maybe the mother in law calls you later, and you have an option there. You can be furious that she came by, "Look, I told you not to come by. You came by so I had to lock the door. I mean I don't know why you're calling me.", and being angry, or you could say, "I understand how you're feeling. I just want to remind you that I talked to you about this before. This is the boundary I'm honoring. I'm happy that you want to come by and see the kids but it's just not something that we're going to be doing without some pre-arranged appointment."

You can do it from a place of love and you don't have to ridicule anybody or make them wrong or bad because of their behavior. I will tell you what, that's a beautiful thing because a lot of times, people have learned how to violate your boundaries because you haven't had any, and so they're going to keep doing what they've always been doing of course, and you just continually honoring yourself and taking care of yourself by following through on your boundaries will change that for you.

Here's how you know if you're not doing boundaries in a really proper way. If you don't feel peaceful, it's not time to set a boundary. If you don't feel loving towards the other person, if you are trying to manipulate their behavior for your own benefits so you won't have to follow through on any kind of consequence, if you are blaming and negative and frustrated, if you are trying to delete someone from your life. Let me expand on that just a little bit. A lot of my clients will come to me and say, "Okay, I'm ready to set some boundaries so here's what I'm going to do; I'm basically going to remove this person from my life. I'm done; I don't want to deal with this anymore." That is not a boundary. That is an escape route. I understand the desire to delete people from your life, to not talk to them because they trigger you in a way that's difficult.

If you can just eliminate that person from your life, then you won't have to deal with what they bring up in you. I want to encourage you to explore the idea that the people in your life that trigger you the most can be your greatest teachers, and I know that sounds so clichéd and my clients get so annoyed with me when I say that, "Well, that's great, but I don't want this person as my teacher. I don't want this person in my life.", but the reason why you don't want the person in your life is either because you haven't learned how to set proper boundaries or you don't have them at all, so this person is able to violate your boundaries in such a way that you haven't been able to follow through on any kind of consequences and you haven't set them properly.

Those are the people in your life that will give you an opportunity to learn how to be in relationship with people without having them violate your boundaries. You don't have to eliminate the person completely in order for that to happen, and you can notice that there is that temptation to just remove the person or you can really sit down and consider, "What can I learn from this relationship?", especially if it's a family member, somebody that really has been involved in your life for a long time. How can I use this as an opportunity to take care of myself and actually create some real authenticity in my relationship with this person through this conversation?

I think that it's challenging to be on the other side of that, then I will say that I've had people in my life that have set boundaries with me, and I will say it triggers also on the other side of that too, because we think, "Oh my gosh, I've done something bad. This person thinks I'm a bad person. This person doesn't want me in their life." We go through this drama around it, and if we can just stay present and notice, "Hey, look, this person has taken the time to tell me the truth about how they feel about something. They've told me how they have a boundary that I'm violating."

That's a pretty intimate challenging thing for most people to do, and the fact that this person felt like they could tell me that means, and it was probably pretty difficult for them to say that to me, that means there's something here. There's something important here. I will say I've seen it happen with my clients so many times and I've seen it happen in my own life so many times that when you're honest with someone and you're really clear with them what your boundaries are, then it's this established thing and it doesn't mean if they violate your boundaries, you have to eliminate them or it also doesn't mean that you have to get angry at them.

I have a girlfriend. She was always late to everything, and I told her, I said, "Hey, I just want to let you know that if I'm going to meet you for lunch or I'm going to meet you somewhere and you're more than 15 minutes late, I'm really genuinely just going to leave. I'm not just saying I'm going to leave, I'm just going to leave and I'm not going to be mad at you and I'm not going to be frustrated, but I'm just not going to wait." I actually planned on that happening. It's important enough for me to still have lunch with her, so in many instances, some of you may have just decided, "Look, I'm not going to make lunch plans with you anymore because you don't show up on time.", or "I'm only going to make lunch plans with you when there's other people involved and then you can just show up when you want.", or "I'm going to make lunch plans with you and if you're more than 15 minutes late, I'm just going to leave."

Now, I don't have to berate her. I don't have to tell her that she's wrong for being late. I don't have to make it mean that she's a horrible person or inconsiderate or doesn't respect my time. I don't have to make it any of that. All I need to do, instead of attacking her, is take care of me, and it leaves me in a space where that I don't have to be resentful and I don't have to be upset and I can just let her be who she is and I can work around it if I want to. I may decide at some point that I don't want to have lunch with her anymore, but I'm not there yet and I don't want to be there.

That's true for a lot of us. It's like I don't want to not have dinner with my dad but I'm going to let him know that if he brings up my mom and starts talking about her, that I'm going to leave. I'm going to ask him once to please stop and if he doesn't, I'm going to leave. That way, you set the boundaries from the beginning and you can maintain that relationship without having to say, "Well I'm not going to see my dad anymore because all he does is talk about my mom and so I don't want to be anywhere near him." Now, you've just completely blocked the opportunity to continue a relationship with your dad when there may be so many wonderful things there, but because you haven't set the boundary, now you don't even have him in your life at all because you've built up some resentment about him.

I just think that boundaries are the most amazing, wonderful and difficult things to implement. They are beautiful tools that we need to use in our life to create intimacy, not to block it. A boundary doesn't keep people out of our lives. A boundary just keeps people from violating important spaces in our lives, and when we have boundaries; the intimacy is increased, not decreased. The truth is told more often, not less often. I feel like I can tell, the people in my life that I have boundaries with, I can tell them, "Hey look, this is one of those boundary things for me. I'm just not feeling like it's okay for this to go on and I just want to let you know that if it happens, if you do that again, this is what's going to happen and I love you and I think you're magnificent.", instead of, "I can't believe you did that to me and that's so terrible and I hate you and I'm never talking to you again."

How many of us do that, and then we lose these relationships that are so important to us because of this all or nothing thinking. Now on the other flip side of that is we misuse our boundaries to try and manipulate people and get them to behave in a way that is much more manual oriented versus boundary oriented. Make sure that you recognize the only time you set a boundary with someone is when there's a boundary violation, someone has come in to your property and is violating it in some way, either emotionally or physically, and only then do you set a proper boundary, by making a request to someone and having a consequence that you are 100% willing to follow through on with love and with peace.

If you are able to do this, it will increase the intimacy in your life. It will increase the authenticity and the honesty in your life. If you are willing to have enough courage to honor yourself, tell the truth and ultimately, protect yourself from any boundary violation. I would love for you guys to go to the Comments section,, because this is episode 12 and ask me any questions you have about boundaries and whether you need to set one, whether you did set one, whether someone set one with you, what feelings you have coming up around boundaries, and you know, it doesn't have to be big boundaries. It can be little boundaries that you're setting in your life. I would love to hear about them and I would love to talk to you about them.

Head on over to the website, check out the Show Notes and tell me about your boundaries. Otherwise, I will talk to you all next week. Take care, have a good one. Bye bye.

Thank you for listening to The Life Coach School podcast. It would be incredibly awesome if you would take a moment to write a quick review on iTunes. For any questions, comments or coaching issues you’d like to hear on the show, please visit us at


  1. I really like this episode and I feel like it applies so well to parenting! Kids are still learning about what they can and can’t control and so are therefore always crossing boundaries. I notice in myself that it is when I don’t set or honor my boundaries that I get especially frustrated with my children. For example if I allow my children to yell at me and I try to just stay calm and pleasant with them, I will eventually get resentful and maybe even explode with an angry outburst. If I can set a clear boundary that I will not interact with them if they are yelling at me – expressing it from a place of calmness and love – and I maintain this boundary, then I know my feelings of anger and resentment will diminish and we will all learn to come back to resolving an issue when we can speak more respectfully about it.

    Thanks so much for these amazing podcasts!!!

    1. Hi Brooke,

      The content of this podcast is resonating big time– just like all of the episodes I’ve listened to so far. (I’m late to the party, just starting from #1 in the past few weeks). I just wanted to drop a note and share how helpful your insights have been to me as I’ve been listening. Your wisdom and generosity really inspire me. I have a new ritual that I really look forward too most evenings after putting my daughter to bed– listening to your podcast while taking a hot bath and then journaling in bed afterwards about my reflections on your gentle nudges. This feels so much better than my previous habit of falling asleep in front of the television and rolling into bed with an unwashed face.

      Again, just wanted to say thank you!

    2. Brooke, I’m so excited to have found you and your podcast! I started at the beginning and have been listening to an episode every day. So great!!! Thank you so much for your public service! I especially related to ep 12 and felt compelled to comment… It has been four years since I cut off contact from my parents, after repeated boundary violations. As they’re growing older, so too is my guilt about maintaining my boundary. How do you know when it might be time to rethink a boundary? How will I know when or if I’m ready to reestablish contact with my parents? How might I begin to think about doing so?

  2. Hi Naomi!

    Yes! I totally agree with this and love that you shared such a great example.

    We can set ourselves up for a much more peaceful life if we set proper boundaries ahead of time. Especially with our children!


  3. Brooke,

    A few years ago I took a class with you and Christy Inge on boundaries. The most important lesson I learned from that class was that setting boundaries and speaking my truth would lead to a more real relationship with the people in my life. I had a lot of boundary issues with my mom and I was consumed by the belief that I would hurt my mom by setting the boundaries I wanted to set. Of course, I was hurting her already by not setting them because she was often in my space emotionally and I’d lash out and we’d fight all the time.

    Setting clear boundaries with my mom was so hard, but I held on to this idea that whatever relationship we had at the end of the process would be more real and more intimate than the one we had — even if it meant we only talked on the phone for 5 minutes a year.

    I had to consciously CHOOSE to believe that thought instead and oh my God am I glad I did.

    My relationship with my mom is so different now. I don’t know if she would describe it as more intimate — but I would for sure. What I give now, I give willingly and with no resistance. We have so much more fun together and I really love and enjoy my time with my mom and WANT to spend time with her because I know I can trust myself to protect my boundaries in a way that’s loving to me and to her.

    I do spend less time with her and I talk to her less — but not as much less as I feared. I was really willing to give the relationship up if I had to and that certainly hasn’t happened. We are even taking a road trip together in a couple weeks. She noticed the difference for sure, but she has also noticed how much happier I am when we are together.

    The biggest lesson about boundaries for me is that I thought not setting them made me closer to people. What I wanted was to feel close and connected and I was doing everything I could think of to get those feelings. When I decided to get close and connected with myself first, my boundaries became clearer to me and I got amazing feelings without all the disappointments and stresses.

    Thanks for sharing this podcast because listening to it I could really see how far I’d come on my own journey and how my own thoughts about what closeness is have changed. Setting boundaries used to feel selfish, now it feels like one of the most generous things I’ve ever done — for myself and the people I’m close to!


  4. Hey Angela!

    So fun to see you here.

    I love how you share your lessons here. I had the exact same experience, boundaries made my relationships closer and more loving! Who knew?

    It’s so generous. Well put.


  5. How do we establish boundaries with someone else’s addiction? I understand that “using” in my home, my relationship is a boundary breach, but what about not seeking treatment (“dry drunk” mentality) or refusing to follow through on agreed protocols?


    1. Hey Turkey-

      You can establish boundaries with someone’s addiction. You can only establish boundaries for yourself.

      If someone doesn’t want to seek help that is not a boundary violation, that is their choice. It’s your choice what you will allow in and around your life.


  6. Hi Brooke,

    I really, really loved this episode of your podcast, and I find that I am someone who struggles a lot with the distinction between having a manual and setting a boundary. I think I feel particularly vulnerable setting a boundary because in my mind it is like telling someone who has hurt me in the past how they can hurt me in the future. Even if I don’t think the person is motivated to hurt me, having to enforce a boundary against someone I care about turns them from someone who means well into a potential threat. Now, if they violate my boundary in the future, they have done it knowing it would hurt me.

    So, instead of setting reasonable boundaries, I think I go from communal living to total nuclear. I wonder if you would be willing to give more examples, or even maybe do another podcast, about levels of boundary setting and ideas for how to set reasonable boundaries before making a choice to totally remove someone from your life. I feel like your example of telling the mother-in-law that the door may be locked in the future was great, and that is the type of thing I am talking about, but I am particularly interested in this with friends and significant others, like turkey’s question above.

  7. Hi Brooke,

    I’m really enjoying your podcasts and have told my mother about them and she is now listening to them as well.

    Having clear boundaries is something that’s important to me.

    My husband works long hours and is often unavailable both physically and emotionally to me and the kids. We are taking a family vacation with a few other families that we know. My husband has invited a single friend from work to join all of us. I was unhappy that he was invited because I wanted the environment to be families. I also don’t want to compete for my husbands attention. In the end I have accepted the friend coming. Now my husband wants this work friend to ride in our car on the trip. The friend has not asked for this or complained about driving alone, nor has my husband made the offer yet. We are still discussing my husband wanting to make this offer. I feel like I need to protect how I feel about our family time but am worried I will come off as bitchy and selfish. I get upset when my husband accuses me of not being inclusive. He is generous with others but sometimes at a detriment to the family. Is this boundary violation or am I just being selfish and trying to control everything?

  8. Brooke,
    I was given your book Self Coaching 101 roughly 10 years ago and have used it in coaching conversations with leaders, individuals, and in my own personal life. I recently discovered your podcasts (LOVE them) and listened to the one on boundaries. The timing couldn’t be more perfect as in my infinite wisdom I just sent a boundary with my sister and felt so proud for doing it correctly. But then I heard you say some key things which confused me; don’t set a boundary and eliminate people out of your lives. But what if that is my consequence and I feel “clean” in sacrificing that relationship if my boundary is violated? I didn’t see any other consequence I could set with the boundary violation that would have been authentic, honoring myself, and telling my truth. I will say I feel peace with my consequence but I did not do it from love – that’s for sure. I felt betrayed and hurt and angry. So I could have done a better job there but I feel secure in my consequence so wanted to get your insight as I was a tad confused by your advice. THANK YOU in advance!

    1. Great question, Adrianna! Brooke will answer this for you in an upcoming Questions & Answers podcast, so stay tuned!

      Carina | The Life Coach School

  9. This episode is the first I’ve heard and it was amazing! I’ve been working a lot with boundaries in therapy. I understand boundary violations occur when someone comes into my space, the physical boundaries make more sense. But what I struggle with most are emotional boundaries. How do I know when someone has violated my boundary, emotionally?
    I think I am also struggling with knowing what exactly my boundaries are. I have had some pretty painful emotional experiences in my life and there are some people that have showed me over and over again they do not have the capacity to hold the pain I’ve experienced. Yet, one person seems to think I should tell them everything that ever happens to me and when I don’t the relationship struggles, but there are just some things I don’t want to tell this person. How do I become clear about what my boundary is and then what I’m going to do if the boundary is violated?

  10. Hi Brooke,
    I just recently started listening to your podcasts and I love them. I have a question about boundaries with inlaws. My sister in law and I have a unique relationship. We tolerate each other in person but seem to have issues that get unresolved. I have run into situations where to has lied to me repeatedly. Recently we opened up to one another. I was calm and none judgemental, she on the other hand lost it on me and said my issues are not her problem which I never even said. We ended getting into a big fight. We deleted her off of Facebook and haven’t talked to her since last July. She made one attempt in October to say happy thanksgiving and that’s it. As of right now we don’t talk to her because we are still catching her lye. At some point I would like to see us be a family again but not sure how to set boundaries for when this happens. I would love be yo hear your advice. Thx

  11. Currently I’m in a work situation, small Mom & Pop business. We all work closely so personal issues are shared to a certain extent. A very sad event took place a couple weeks ago, my 18-yr-old cat was experiencing kidney failure and was suffering. My daughter and I chose to take him to VET, hold him, and say goodbye so he could go to Kitty Heaven, Cross the Rainbow. A person I work with is into animals compassionately and I respect her input but she verbally attacked me because she was upset I hadn’t called her 2 “animal whisperers” to find out what I needed to do to keep Indigo alive. She was verbally abusive and also said “waa-waa-waa” when telling her I was not able to watch him suffer. Please tell me how to “boundary-friendly” respond as I asked her to not speak to me. I still interact with business, just no more chit-chat/social time… THANKYOU!

    1. Hi Joniann,

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I can completely relate, as I had to say goodbye to my 18 yr old cat just two weeks ago myself. Thank you for posting your question here. Brooke will answer it for you in an upcoming Questions & Answers podcast, so please stay tuned!


  12. I’m 3 years late, but I’ve just recently started listening to your podcasts and they are helping me work through difficult situations in my life!

    I have always been called a pushover for most of my life and I can attest to that. I’m working through it and voicing my opinion in a respectful way and I’m learning to remove myself from situations that do not benefit me. But here is where it gets difficult for me. I still live with my parents and the hardest thing for me to do is setting boundaries with my mom.

    I’ve just recently started dating this guy. I brought it up to her because I didn’t want to lie about where I’ve been. Since then, she has not stopped asking about his last name and his address and I assume it’s because she wants to run a background check on him. I tried as best as I could to tell her I’m not ready to share it with her and she replies, “There you go again. Always protecting the guy you’re dating. Always choosing him before your family. What are you so afraid of? I deserve to know his name. I am your mother. Just because you’re 24, you think you can do whatever you want. You still live in my house…” You get the idea. And this doesn’t just happen with my personal relationships. She speaks this way when I forget to rinse the coffee maker or when I leave a plate unwashed in the sink. I honestly feel so depressed when I come home. I’m trying to work through my feelings, but I need our advice. Am I not allowed to keep things to myself ? I feel so guilty all the time that I throw myself back into the cycle of binge eating.

    Thank you so much for all that you are doing
    – Carol

  13. Hi Brooke –

    I dated a guy for 6-7 years starting my Freshman year of college. We took about 2 years off and I really started to find myself, my strength, my independence, and confidence. We started talking again a year ago and slowly moved back into a relationship. I moved in with him a month ago. He’s become much more affectionate this go around but during our break he started to feel vulnerable and went through a phase where people let him down and he came out of that much more defensive and with high expectations for himself, people he’s around and myself. I constantly feel like I’m not living up to his expectations… because he pretty much lays that out for me. He has a need for power and control and is more hot tempered/sensitive to things he doesn’t “approve” of and shows it with anger/disappointment/frustration. I don’t know how aware of it he really is. I think he’s accepted this new way of thinking and acting and expects everyone to step up their game. He’s often trying to save people from themselves (especially me) if he thinks that person isn’t doing enough for themselves. We’ve been together so long and I’m certainly more sensitive than he is (I’m not nearly as sensitive with other relationships) so when I express my feelings, he either gets defensive and turns it around on me or just thinks here she goes again and brushes it off. How do I start to implement boundaries in a relationship I’ve been in for years and attempted to before but clearly didn’t do it properly. I’ve been growing up with this guy for the last decade and have been trying to figure out who I am and find my inner peace while still trying to make sure I’m respected and treated as an equal in this relationship. I’m doing a lot of self-work right now but I come home and he starts chipping away at me again. I’m losing the confidence, independence, etc I built when I was single those 2 years. He appears lost and searching for more in his life but he’s fairly guarded and turns to pulling others down or getting frustrated. I do retaliate when he raises his voice or tells me what he thinks I’ve done or said wrong because im in that defence mode. That’s not who I want to be. I want to be happy and enjoy this relationship. Is it too late to try to set boundaries? When is a good time to do it? I know I’d rather do it when we’re neutral and from a loving place but if I bring this up out of the blue while we’re having a nice evening on the couch, it’ll turn into an argument or at least just change the tone of the evening for the worse. How do I approach this? I talked it through with a therapist and she got concerned he’s emotionally abusing me. Which I could see where she’s coming from. That freaked me out. Is there no hope for this relationship? For him? Is setting boundaries the first step?

    1. Thank you for your question, Jen. Brooke will be answering questions in an upcoming Questions and Answers episode. Stay tuned!


  14. Hi!! Thank you so much. I love your podcast. If you have time I have a question. I have an adult daughter who lives a life very contrary to what my husband and I believe, she has a boyfriend who is obsessed with guns, sculls and old war memorabilia enter in natzi and third Reich conversations he is very affectionate with my youngest and they both give me the creeps so bad. Every time I start to let her back into my life she asks if her and her boyfriend can take my youngest out to do things like shooting range and what ever. I don’t want her to go ANYWHERE with them even if they said they were going to the grocery store! When she asks me and I say no the cycle of separation starts all over again. I have told her that it’s not an option for my youngest to hang out with them unless we are with them but she keeps asking and I don’t know how to handle this super awkward weirdness. Please HELP!

  15. I am concerned about my husband’s drinking. He is a very successful engineer with his own company. The drinking does not interfere with work, or exercise, but when he does drink it is quite excessive.
    I am unclear whether this is an issue with my “manual” for him or if this is a boundary issue and was hoping you could clarify.
    I am worried about his overall health (I am a physician) and his risk of cirrhosis, etc. In addition, when he drinks too much, I feel uncomfortable and don’t want to be around him. I also think it sets a bad example for our children.

    I have brought up the subject before, and he has moderated for a time, but it usually recurs after a year or so. The conversation is uncomfortable for me, and I would like to do it from a place of love, rather than judgement and frustration.

    Thank you!

    1. Thank you for your question. Brooke will be responding to questions in an upcoming Questions and Answers episode. Stay tuned! –Brecklyn

  16. I am so thankful for these podcasts. I am realizing I have a problem with my spouse’s boundaries. I have set boundaries for my in-laws which they largely respect, but they when they want to get around my boundaries, they do it when I am otherwise engaged. For instance, recently I went on vacation with them and while I was out getting something at the store they invaded our hotel room. I can’t expect my spouse to have my same boundaries, but I was uncomfortable and angry with their stuff all over our space. I don’t want to confuse my boundaries and my manual. I am not sure how or even who to ask to make sure this doesn’t happen again.


    1. Thank you for your question. Brooke may address this on an upcoming Q&A episode. Stay tuned! –Brecklyn

  17. I’m concerned about a friend who hates on other women very easily. She tends to put them down, whether it be a stranger on the street or a friend in a social circle. I felt really un-comfortable to address this with her when i’m usually okay to talk to someone about my boundaries. She is older but I am seeing a toxic trend.

    1. Good question! Brooke may address this in an upcoming Questions & Answers podcast. Stay tuned! –Brecklyn

  18. Hi Brooke, thankyou so much for doing this episode! I have had such a struggle with setting boundaries with my mother in the past few years and it has caused us both a fair amount of hurt. I will be revisiting this one a lot while I practice these skills. I am in a space of devouring and applying your teaching almost full time at the moment as I have been in a self made hell for longer than o care to admit. I seem to remember hearing you say somewhere that your deepest life suffering was your inability to control your weight/ thoughts and that in your journey to master those things you discovered and developed your gift to help others in life coaching. I just want to let you know that you have inspired me to work on myself, to design my life and to use my suffering to help me help others.

    1. Thank you so much for the feedback! Brooke appreciates it very much. –Brecklyn

  19. wow! amazing.
    thank you brooke!

    how do you not get mad when your friend is always late and you are leaving after 15minutes?
    i get angry….
    but it helps that you say that you have to take care of yourself.
    but why do you leave after 15minutes? if it doesn’t trigger you, why you don’t just wait for her?
    what is your goal if you leave after 15minutes?

    thanks for responding

    big big hug

    1. Thank you for your question. Brooke will be responding to questions in an upcoming Questions and Answers episode. Stay tuned! –Brecklyn

  20. Brooke, I was introduced to your podcasts by my sister and I am already forever grateful. I am still learning and will continue to keep my ears and eyes open as I navigate all these tools you are presenting. I am feeling a shift in my life as I reflect on how I can use them in my everyday life, thank you! I did have one question about this episode on boundaries and I wondered how to best navigate boundaries with a mother in law when your husband doesn’t see any need for boundaries to be placed. How do I navigate both relationships while trying to focus on my own needs?

  21. Hi, Brooke,
    First, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for developing the Self-Coaching Model. I took a teaching-focused class from Kelli Wise this summer and it has been life-changing, I feel, primarily because of the CTFAR model. I began her class in July, started using it daily (I began with where my mindset WAS and on the same page, then wrote how I could think about the circumstance DIFFERENTLY) and have begun my mornings with a 5-min daily practice that includes blessings and a CTFAR about whatever is on my mind that day. It has helped SO much, in so many ways, so thank you for letting Kelli share it in her class! In fact, I am teaching a short unit to my students in 7th grade this week and next, about how what we think changes our brain, and have been showing them a few school-appropriate TED talks, leading with brain psychology, pessimism vs. optimism, thinking and our brain (the school counselor will talk about growth vs. fixed mindset), and then the CTFAR model.:)

    So, on to my comment. This summer, when Kelli kept talking about you, I began listening to your podcasts. I have started at the beginning and am only in the teens, so I hope the comment you mentioned at the end of your podcast #12 and encouraging us to write about possibly boundary issues is still possible, and that you would respond.
    I THINK I have problems setting boundaries–both for myself and for others. Yet, I don’t know if the 4 situations I will describe are “invasions” of my boundaries or not.
    Situation 1: I am teaching my students. The door is closed. TEACHER A walks in the door without knocking, walks in the room, to my desk, throws my mail onto it, makes a comment, and then leaves, disrupting my train of thought. I think it’s rude, but is it a boundary issue?

    Situation 2: I am working in my classroom before or after the school day. (I am only 3/4 time this year due to low enrollment at my school, so I am working feverishly at getting my work done ASAP so I’m not working a ton of hours over my contract.) TEACHER B walks in my room without knocking, to ask how I “feel” about something or asks how a student is doing. She claims to be an introvert, but I am one, and I find her incessant talking extremely annoying. She doesn’t come in for anything I “feel” is important. She may want to get my “take” on something, but I see her do this to numerous other teachers, going from room to room, to ask a “quick” question.” She is a new teacher, who has a mentor assigned to work with her (but isn’t very good.)

    Situation 3: My mom listens to talk radio ALL day long, and is basically a hermit. When I do call her, politics (which I don’t care to discuss with her) always come up. I try to change the subject, but I don’t want to engage with her about it. It’s annoying, but she lives alone with her dog, is retired, has only one friend, and rarely gets out. She knows I don’t even like watching the news–it’s too negative. Is this a boundary issue?

    Situation 4: My mom belittles me when my husband and I visit. I’m in my mid-40’s. The last time he and I were home, we both addressed it with her separately, and she said I was “too sensitive.” My husband and I discussed leaving early from our holiday plans and staying in a hotel instead. We did cut our trip short by one day (but she thought it was due to my husband’s work, not her behavior.) Things were very strained when I left. For 6 months after, I did not call her, nor did she call me (we usually talk once a month; I live 300+ miles away.) Yet, I caved, missed talking with her, and called her. Is her belittling me a boundary issue?

    I greatly respect your opinion. Thank you so much for your time and all of the resources that you make available online!
    -K.M., Minneapolis, MN

    1. Hello Kristen, Thank you for sharing your stories and challenges. Brooke will be answering questions on an upcoming Q&A podcast, so stay tuned. In the meantime, try listening to podcast episode #163, Boundaries 2.0 for more help. –Lori

      1. Thanks, Lori! I will listen to that one next!
        I love listening to Brooke’s podcasts while I do tasks around the house!

  22. Hey Brooke, I really love all your podcasts and this podcast spoke to how I was feeling. So basically I love traveling and it’s something I am doing recently but my parents have been very strict about it. I haven’t been able to go out much more and this creates a lot of emotional triggers in me and they don’t even realize it. I also do understand where my parents come from they want me safe, they worry if I might get in trouble so it’s reasonable for them to act that way. But something that really matters for me is to able to go out . From your podcast I am gonna share how I feel to my parents by acting calm and we both can come with each other boundaries . I really hope this would also build good relationship with my parents and also be able to do things I love. Thank you Brooke, any suggestions would be really appreciated 🙂

    1. Thank you for the feedback. Brooke appreciates it. Glad to hear her podcast has been helping you during this time in your life. –Felicia

  23. Brooke,
    I have a couple of brothers-in-law that we’re having serious issues with. When you have a history of toxicity between you, how do you know when it’s time to walk away and when to stay and set a boundary? One brother-in-law has a problem with alcohol and has repeatedly started arguments and physical fights with my husband, the other is a religious zealot who resorts to name calling when you don’t agree with his politics. Because we don’t get along with these two, other family members who side with them, have excluded us from family functions. In the case of my sister and her husband, we have always been tolerant of their views, but it is not reciprocated. We have been going along to get along, but in 2017, we had a disagreement over politics and have not been invited to see them since. Now what?

    1. Thank you for your question. Brooke will be responding to questions in an upcoming Questions and Answers episode. Stay tuned! –Felicia

  24. I just left my in-laws and my mother in law and her mother (90 yr old with Cancer) have an extremely Co-dependent relationship. I would love to hear your podcast on Co-dependency. I’m sure it would include boundaries, the Manual, The model, emotions, etc. But I would love to hear how you put it all together! I know you would provide a lot of clarity and guidance. Thanks!

    1. Thank you for your question. Brooke will be responding to questions in an upcoming Questions and Answers episode. Stay tuned! –Felicia

  25. Hi Brooke
    I have a family member that my husband and I have tried to set clear boundaries with but she is still violating them even when we’ve followed through with the consequences we’ve set. Do you have any advice on how to handle a situation like this? Thanks!

    1. Thank you for your question, Brianne. Brooke will be responding to questions in an upcoming Questions and Answers episode. Stay tuned! In the meantime, I recommend listening to Ep #163: Boundaries 2.0. –Felicia