You are listening to The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo, episode 431.
Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems and real coaching. And now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
Hello my beautiful friends. I’m excited for this podcast. This is the second half of a bunch of questions that you all sent in or texted in for me to answer. And we got some good ones.
But before I get started, I just kind of wanted to give you all a bit of an update on what I’ve been doing over the past couple weeks. And I say this to you, especially those of you who are my fellow coaches who are trying to build your businesses, who are really working hard through the summer to try to get your businesses to the next level, I am so appreciative of you.
I am appreciative that you are contributing to the value that will be put into this economy, and we have to remember that value is what we need. And our human brains and our ingenuity and our effort are what create value. And we need it now more than ever.
This is not a time to be freaking out and not working and not utilizing our brains. This is a time to double down. And so I am, as you know, many of you know, I am in Colorado with my family. I have my chosen family too. It’s both. I have my son Connor here and Camo and Eyob and Mason who are basically my godchildren.
And they have all been doing social media and helping me create ads for YouTube and Facebook. We’ve been doing a lot of video, video editing, conversations about it. Two of my best friends, Alex and Leila Hormozi are here with me. They’ve been here for two weeks. And we have all just been grinding, working.
And so we basically get up in the morning and I go for a walk and workout, so does Leila. We get up, we workout, do our walks, and then we come back and we have what I call super thinking time where I sit down and I create. I contribute. I’ve been writing copy for my business. I’ve been creating webinars. I’ve been trying to really look through the content and create value for you and for everyone who I believe needs this work in the world.
And I have been producing at a very high level and I have to tell you that it feels amazing. We are at a place in our business where we are trying out a whole bunch of new things. And my team has been responding amazingly to, “Let’s try this, and let’s try this,” and we’ve had so many things that have been doing so well and we’ve had some things that aren’t doing so well.
And so it has me reignited into truly understanding what is this next phase of our business, and what can I do to create enough value for all of you to keep growing at the same pace that I am growing.
I was having a conversation with Alex this morning and we were talking about what makes us top 1%, what makes us so we’re able to produce at such a high level. And I think one of the misconceptions is that because I work three days a week, and actually, during the summer I’ve been working every day.
But normally, I work three days a week, that I don’t work hard, that I don't produce a lot, that I don’t create a lot of value. And I think it’s easy to kind of look at someone’s life from the outside and think, “They have it made. They’re already set. They already have money.”
And I think when you are in this work, when you are doing this work for your own personal evolution because you believe that when you become the best version of yourself, that that is a contribution, that is value that you’ve added to humanity by making your human self the most high-capacity version of yourself, then that is motivation enough.
And that is not arrogant. I don’t feel like there should be a misconception around that. When I look at my life and I see it as a possible contribution to humanity, that is not arrogant because I believe that about every human life. I believe there’s a reason why each of us are born 100% worthy and each of us have the opportunity in our lifetime to see what we’re capable of, to see what we can do.
And for some of us, we measure it through money and business and helping people, and for others, it’s totally different things. Most of you who are my students, who are my clients are looking to expand who you are in your own eyes.
And I just want you to know, that requires so much work. It requires so much growth. It requires sitting down and doing the boring hard work when you don’t want to. Leila and Alex used to own a gym company and they had these great sweatshirts on the back, it said, “Do the boring work.” And that’s that 50% of that work that you genuinely don’t want to do but you have to do in order to get yourself to the next level.
And I think when there’s so much exciting work to do, like standing on stage, or recording podcasts, and interacting with clients and coaching, it’s hard to sit down and, for me, create slides for a webinar, or rewrite copy on a sales page. For me, that is the boring hard work, but I need to be able to do that in order to take myself to that next version.
So for those of you who are in the grind right now, and surprisingly, I find that the people who are making the most money are in the grind the most, and the people who are the most successful are in the grind the most. That is not to say they’re sacrificing themselves or that they’re hustling or that they’re not taking care of themselves.
That is not what I’m suggesting at all. I’m suggesting that we plan our time so we have those hours to grind. And I love the word grind. Some of you may not like it, but I want to give you an example. I was talking about funnels, and for those of you who don’t know about funnels, funnels are a marketing term that we use to create a pathway to our products.
So if I think about people out there in the world that need my work that don’t know about me yet, I may reach them through word of mouth, or I may reach them through my podcast, or I may reach them through something on social media that someone else passes around.
But one of the ways that I can really control that is to send out an ad into the world. A Google ad, or a Facebook ad, or a TikTok ad, or something, where someone will see an ad that I have created and they will click on it. And if they click on it, they have now entered into my funnel.
So they’ll click on that ad and they’ll be taken to a page where I will offer them something for free, possibly. They may click on a podcast ad and go listen to one of my episodes, or they’ll click on a Facebook ad or a Google ad and go to a page where I’m offering them a free book that they can read about me and get to know me, or maybe watch a video, or maybe watch a webinar.
And then once they watch the webinar or the book, I can invite them to join Scholars, or maybe join Certification as a coach. That’s the funnel. So it kind of starts off really wide and then it gets narrow towards the bottom where fewer people are going to sign up, but the ads reach a lot of people.
One of the things that Alex told me, which I thought was mind-blowing was he encourages all of the companies that he works with to spend four hours a week making new ads. Every single week making new ads to test against the current ads.
And this is something I had never considered. I had basically made a few ads and then hoped that they worked and hadn’t been really working on doing those ads myself, hoping that maybe my team would be able to do something, put something together so I wouldn’t have to do it.
And when he said that to me, I kind of went, “Wow, this really is something that I can do, I can put into my schedule, and I can work harder at doing if I choose to.” Maybe it’s not weekly. Maybe it’s monthly. But it would be better than what I’m doing. So it just really showed me where I’m not really doing my best to reach the people that I want to reach.
In my mindset, I’d kind of gotten to this place where I was like, “This next level, I really need to be considering lots of different options.” And that is true, I need to be looking at mergers and acquisitions and bringing in other people that can really help our business grow to 100 million. But I also need to be working on the basics and remembering that my job as a coach first and foremost is to create value for the people who don't know about me yet.
And when I remember that, when I think about that, it’s very easy for me to go to work. Because when I think about that person that I used to be that didn’t know the Model, that didn’t understand how to manage my mind, and all the unnecessary suffering that was going on, it makes me want to go to work for them. For that person who is waiting for me.
So for any of you who are maybe having a hard time this summer, remembering why you’re doing this, remembering why you’re working hard, two things. You’re working for you so you can evolve, so you can become the best version of yourself. But you’re also working for the people that you can help. And they are waiting for you, and they need your help.
And when you’re tempted to just go lay in the sun and not put a couple hours of work in, I want you to remember that person who is in the room waiting for you. We can’t keep them waiting. We have to help them.
Okay, that’s enough of my little rant. My little pep talk for you all. And now I want to get to the questions that you have. So question number one is, “How do I deal with jealousy with my boyfriend?” So this is a great question. I’m not sure where the jealousy is. Are you jealous or is he jealous? So I will address both.
Let’s start with the concept of jealousy in the first place. So jealousy in a relationship is when you are threatened typically by a third party. And so we as primal beings are possessive and attached in some way to our partners. The way that I like to think about this is that it’s just a normal, biological, primal thing that is not anyone’s fault.
And when you can think about it this way, your communication will stay so much better. So if you are jealous of something that your boyfriend is doing, maybe it’s flirting with someone else, or talking to someone else, or has an ex-girlfriend that he’s having conversations with, or maybe it’s the way he looks at other people, or maybe he’s watching porn.
I don’t know what it is, but when you are in the space of feeling jealousy, you have to remember that it’s always caused by a thought in your mind. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel it. That doesn’t mean that it’s not appropriate. That doesn’t mean that it’s not normal. It just means that it’s a thought, and it may be a thought you want to keep, especially if he’s out doing things beyond the boundaries of your relationship that cause you to feel jealous.
Maybe he’s sleeping with other people, or dating other people, or talking to other people in what you would say is in an inappropriate way. So don’t misunderstand. Just because it’s caused by a thought in your mind doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be experiencing it or that you don’t want to.
Okay, so when you recognize that you’re feeling jealous, find the thought causing it. And once you find that thought causing it, run your whole model on it. So the thought may be, “He likes her better than me,” or, “He thinks she’s prettier than me,” or, “He’s going to leave me for her.” Whatever the thought is.
And you’ll be surprised at some of the ridiculousness that can go in the human brain when it comes to our primal fears. So a big emotion of jealousy can feel overwhelming, can feel like you need to react to it, can make you want to do craziness. We’ll talk about that in a second. But once you recognize that it’s just a thought in your mind, it will calm you down.
So step one, just get the thought down. What is the thought causing it? Separate it from the circumstance. Put the circumstance in the C-line. What exactly factually happened? Not what you think is going on, not your story about what’s going on, but what actually happened, then the thought, then put jealousy in the F-line.
Once you’ve done circumstance, thought, feeling, really experience jealousy and what the vibration feels like. And the best way to do that is to become the watcher of yourself. So as your body is experiencing the vibration of jealousy, just watch your body experience it. Describe it. What does it feel like? Where do you feel it in your body? How does it vibrate? Does it hurt? Why does it hurt?
Stay out of your head when you’re evaluating the emotion of jealousy and get into your body as a witness. And witness your body in jealousy, and just constantly say to yourself, “This is jealousy.” Because if you start believing this is a threat, or this is dangerous, we’re going to lose him, you are going to experience more than just jealousy. You’re going to drop into some primal fear, which we don’t want to have happen because then you’ll react to that in a way that won’t serve you.
Just allow the jealousy to be what it is. Now, ask yourself, you’re going to pause as you do that, ask yourself, what does it make you want to do? When you feel jealous, what do you want to do? So if you’re anything like me, it makes you want to yell and scream and protect and cajole and control the other person. Get rid of the threat and control the other person.
It doesn’t make you want to understand and communicate and connect. So notice what that action, that desired action is from jealousy and do not do it. Pause yourself before you do it. But allow yourself to explore what we would like to do because of that emotion.
When you look at it that way, when you understand that your jealousy, that emotion of jealousy is driving a primal reaction, you can step back from it and witness it from afar and see that you also have a prefrontal cortex that is very reasonable and can override that primal fear.
And ask yourself, if you were to react to jealousy the way that you most want to from that primal way, what would be the result? And typically, what happens is when we’re in a relationship with someone and we get jealous, we actually separate from that person. We yell, we cajole, we try to control, we blame, we shame them for our feeling of jealousy, regardless of what is actually happening there.
And when you think about what you actually want to do in the relationship that you are perceiving is being threatened is you want to connect. You want to feel secure. You want to communicate. You want to get closer. And so when you can see your jealousy model and see that the effect of that is not going to be what you ultimately want, then you can create a new model.
And you can go to the person maybe after you’ve done your own work on yourself and express what you’re feeling and express why you’re feeling that way. And when you can communicate with someone without expecting them to solve for your emotion, without expecting for them to change their behavior, but to simply help you understand where they’re coming from and what’s true for them, it will open up the lines of communication.
The last thing you want to do when you’re feeling jealous is to get your partner to shut down and start hiding from you. Because even if what they’re doing is very innocent in their own mind, they won’t want you to see it because they won’t want to “hurt” you. That’s where the separation innocently can start.
So once you’ve done that jealousy model, being able to sit down and be like, “Wow, I’m kind of tripping over here, here’s what’s going on in my brain, is that crazy or is there something going on over here?” And really having clear boundaries about what’s appropriate and inappropriate in a relationship, and both of you having want matches and agreements on that will really help with these types of conversations.
I will say that oftentimes when we are trying to set boundaries in a relationship to avoid jealousy, we really turn into control freaks. So I have found that when I’m in a relationship with someone, if I allow there to be room for jealousy, I allow there to be space for that to be a normal emotion in the relationship, the connection can be so much more open.
So in my example, if I’m with someone and they want to look at another woman, if they want to appreciate her beauty, if they want to even comment on her body or how she looks or anything like that, that is totally fine with me. That doesn’t mean that I won’t feel jealous. I might. But there’s enough room there for me to kind of say that’s an appropriate conversation, we don’t have to pretend that we’re not looking at other people and finding them attractive.
And that is because I have done work and I know that I can handle jealousy. I know that for some people, they’re trying not to ever experience jealousy, so they’re cajoling their partners to never look at other women, to avert their eyes from them, to not appreciate their beauty. That sort of thing.
So that has to be something that’s up to you, but that’s just one example of how I allow for there to be emotion there without trying to control my partner. I also have very clear boundaries when I’m in a relationship, a committed relationship with someone, even in an open relationship with someone of what is appropriate.
So if I’m dating someone and I’m in an open relationship, I don’t want to hear about the other people that they’re dating. I don’t want to have conversations about that. I don't want to know about it, even though I know that they may be dating other people, I don’t want to talk about it.
That’s something that we have to agree on and have a want match ahead of time, right? But if I’m in a committed relationship, there’s a level of trust that you aren’t going to be dating other people and here’s what’s appropriate. If you’re at a bar, is it appropriate? We have these conversations.
Is it appropriate for you to touch someone else? Is it appropriate for you to flirt with someone else? Is it appropriate for you to get someone’s number or share their social media? Whatever. And you kind of have these ground rules, and you have conversations back and forth about what is and isn’t appropriate.
I think one of the thoughts in my mind that really helps me is if my partner, whether I’m committed or not to them, wants to be with someone else more than me, I don’t want them to be with me. That is true. I want them to be with who they want to be with. And if that is something that’s available to them and that’s something they want to do, I want there to be freedom for them to go and do their life the way they want to.
And as much as I would love to control everyone and control the universe for my own benefit, it doesn’t work that way. Now, if he is the one that is jealous of you, just take everything I said and reverse it. You be the one that opens up and asks, “Hey, tell me everything. Why does this bother you? What are you worried about? What are you thinking about? I want to tell you what’s really going on for me. Here’s why I’m doing these things. I want to understand why they make you jealous.”
Because a lot of times, there are things that we’re doing that we don’t even care about doing. There’s people we’re talking to that we don’t even need to talk to, that if it bothers our partner, it’s like, oh, that’s an easy fix, I just won’t do that anymore. But you always have to have a conversation about it because you don’t want to be trying to control the universe to be able to control your partner’s emotions.
And the reason why is you will get into a people-pleasing mode and you can end up inadvertently and innocently lying to them in the name of protecting them. And that will pull you apart in your relationship instead of putting you together. Okay, hope that helps, my friend that is experiencing jealousy in their relationship.
Next question, “How do you know when you’ve outgrown a friendship?” This is a really interesting question and I think it’s kind of like, you know when you know. You will know when you have a relationship with someone and you can feel it changing because you're changing, because you’re moving in a different direction. Then all of a sudden, the chemistry and the connection and the love that you have is no longer there.
And this has happened to me many times, but I will give you some steps to take, some things to think about before you’ve kind of stated that you’ve outgrown a friendship. And I also want to note that when you’ve outgrown a friendship, there isn’t necessarily something that needs to happen, like a definitive conversation like, “I’ve outgrown you and now we’re no longer friends.”
It can just be a gentle changing of the relationship. It can change forms. It doesn’t have to necessarily end in an abrupt way unless there is a complete value disconnect. And a lot of times, when we grow, our values change. What we value, what we’re focused on changes.
When our life changes, sometimes our values change, and there are certain things that we value that we don’t value anymore. I know, for example, for me, when my kids went away to college and they were no longer in my house and I got a divorce that I no longer valued the community in my neighborhood as one of the most important things that I wanted to put a lot of energy into.
That was for a lot of my friends that lived in that neighborhood and people I was communicating with regularly, those relationships just kind of faded away because they were more based on the value of proximity and being connected and being in person. But I didn’t have to state that that was happening. I just basically moved.
But there’s also a lot of relationships where I have moved away and stayed very close friends with people from all over the country that the relationship wasn’t based on that value. So really understanding, what is it I value in this person? Why am I friends with this person? If I met this person today, would I choose to develop a friendship with them?
And if the answer is no, it doesn’t mean that you break up with them. It doesn’t mean that you have to do that. It just means that you let the relationship kind of take a different form and you can still be friendly and you can still love that person, but it just shows up in a very different way.
The other thing that I want to be really clear about is there are times when you are in a relationship with someone that you have been sharing something that is unhealthy, or maybe you buffer together, or maybe you hold each other back, and that has been the relationship.
Maybe you drink a lot together, or smoke a lot of weed together, or watch Netflix together, or overeat together. Maybe there’s been this commonality where you’ve been in a relationship with someone to kind of hide from the rest of your life.
And if that is the case, very often, a clean break from that type of relationship can be important. And maybe it’s temporary, and maybe it is forever. But I have found that the most powerful way to do that, depending on the person, is to actually communicate it honestly.
Be like, “Hey, you and I, we usually go out and get drinks all the time together and I’m trying not to drink anymore, and so that’s really challenging for me when we go out. And so I just need some space from that. If you want to get together and go on a walk, if you want to get together and do something else, we could try that.”
But what I have found is a lot of times, when you’re in a relationship with someone where you’re co-buffering with each other, pulling that buffering out of the relationship can be kind of depressing because you can kind of realize maybe that was the only thing that was really holding you together.
So again, use your own judgment. Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the other person when it’s necessary and when you think it will be helpful. I do not think it’s always necessary or helpful to tell someone, “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.” It’s just not necessary. In many cases you can let the relationship just kind of change forms.
Next question, “When will it be enough for you? When will you have enough money?” I love this question. The answer is a long time ago. I had enough money a long, long time ago. I am actually a very simple human being in many ways.
I’ve talked about this a lot. What brings me joy is a clean home, lots of sunlight, my friends, my dogs, and a hiking trail. Throw in a bookstore, a library, or Amazon.com and bunch of books, I’m pretty happy. That is enough for me. And that will always be enough for me. And I get a huge sense of confidence and freedom and abundance from knowing that. That is just the truth.
My favorite days are days when I go hiking with a girlfriend, go hiking by myself even. Those are the best days, especially right now in Colorado, it’s perfect temperature in the mountains and the mountain hikes are gorgeous. Flowers everywhere, it’s just beautiful.
So I don’t need any money for that. I had enough money a long time ago. Me trying to earn money is not about getting enough money. It’s not about having money so I can feel a certain way. It’s about challenging myself to light my own world on fire, to see what I’m capable of, to blow through all the ceilings that I have put on myself and that society has put on women, and to be an example of what is possible for other women and little girls who want to live the biggest version of themselves.
One of the most amazing things is that we have the ability to create a tremendous amount of abundance in our lives and nobody is showing us how. When we are little to now, nobody is showing us how. We’re actually being so limited by the current education system, by what we are told we’re capable of, that I feel like it’s my obligation to show and to tell that that isn’t the case.
Money is one of the coolest ways I know of how to utilize my brain within the world to create abundance. It doesn’t have to be money. I happen to have the most extraordinary job in the world. I absolutely believe it is the perfect career, being a life coach. Because I’m unlimited in the amount of money I can make, and I can only make money when I’m helping people. Period.
I have to create value for people that helps them live better lives, that helps them be happy, that helps them understand themselves, that helps them process negative emotion. If I don’t do that, I don’t get paid. So not only am I getting and making so much money, I’m also equally and at the same time helping people.
I can’t even imagine a better combination. And I love it, and I’m good at it, and I can do it from home, and I can make my own hours. One of the things I’ve been doing a lot lately is giving a lot of money away. And giving it away, not only to charity through my company, which I do a lot of, but also to individual people. To friends I care about, to people in need.
Giving large sums of money and large gifts and large purchases and trips and events to the people around me. And it just creates this incredible sense of abundance. And one of the things that I’ve noticed about new friends and new people that are exposed to me is that I’m helping them literally see a different way to live just by coming with me on a trip, or just by going out to dinner with me, or just hanging out with me. The possibilities that they hadn’t even considered.
I had a friend of mine tell me that they wanted to get rich and they’ve always thought that they didn’t because they always thought rich people were awful. And he said to me, “You are the only cool rich person I’ve ever met.” He’s like, “You’re just so real and you’re just so generous and you’re just so fun and you just seem genuinely happy, and you use money to have a better life.”
And I told him, “I just don't think you’ve been around enough rich people. I think there’s a lot of people that have a lot of money that are just super awesome, cool people.” And we are taught and socialized to believe that rich people are bad. Look at all the movies, look at all the cartoons, you look at all of it.
And so I think for me, I love changing that message. When I was young, my mom told me, “Don’t ever be dependent on a man for money. You should always earn and take care of yourself.” And I really did believe her and take that to heart, and I’m so glad that I did. I’m so glad I have the independence and the freedom to create my own money.
I also feel a deep sense of honor to the women who went before me who made it possible for me to live this life. And I’m going to take it all the way. I look back, I have this vision of all these women fighting so hard for me to have my own credit card, the right to vote, freedom to be a woman who can literally write her own paycheck. All the women that went before me that struggled to be able to live the life that I’m living.
And I’m just like, ladies, I got you. I am not going to let that work be in vain. I am going to stand on your shoulders and create as much as I can and help as many people as I can, especially women, with this journey. So the answer to the question is it’s already enough and it will never be enough, and that’s a beautiful way to live in my opinion.
The next question is, “When do we change the thought versus sitting with a negative emotion?” And the answer is always sit with a negative emotion first. Be willing to process emotion. Do not resist. Do not buffer. Do not hide from your negative emotion. Always be willing to open the door to it and allow it to be in.
And what you will find is that when you allow a negative emotion to be there, you stop being so afraid of it. And so you’re not in a big hurry to change your thought. And oftentimes when you allow the emotion to be there and then you see the thought causing it, it simply releases.
You don’t have to come up with a new thought, you don’t have to even come up with a new model. You can just let it go. It’s a more advanced way of doing it. I feel like in the beginning, it’s important to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts so you can feel the effect of how your thoughts create your emotions. But once you’ve been at it a while, just simply be with that negative emotion, find the thought causing it, and then notice that maybe you just let it go.
The next question is, “How do I forgive myself?” So I want to approach this from a different angle and ask you what’s preventing you from forgiving yourself. And I promise you, it’s just a thought. There is a thought that is holding you in a place of shame or guilt about something that you’ve done. And that thought is not necessary. It’s not helping you, and it’s certainly not helping anybody else.
And when you understand the thought that’s preventing you from feeling forgiveness towards yourself, and letting go of the past, and rewriting it in a way that serves you, you will always be perpetuating a cycle that doesn’t serve anyone. A lot of the damage that we do is not the actual act of what we’ve done or the acts of what we’ve done, but the story we tell afterwards, and the self-loathing that comes afterwards, and the beating ourselves up that comes afterwards.
So if you want to perpetuate some act and make it worse, don’t forgive yourself. But if you want to let it go, if you wish it hadn’t happened, if you want to let it go, then you simply see that everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen. You find the truth in it, you find a way to grow from it, and you realize that this is your human life and that you are fallible and that you will make mistakes.
And the only choice you have is not whether you will make mistakes because you will, but the choice you have is will you use it against yourself or will you use it as a way to love yourself more? I think all of our mistakes in our lives, all the things we do wrong, all the hurt we’ve caused other people is an opportunity for us to love more.
To drop into I have your back no matter what, you are 100% worthy no matter what. Your human life matters, even with all your mistakes. And I got you. And I love you.
And the last question is, “Is your self-coaching tool the only one that works?” And of course the answer is no. I don’t know if you’ve heard me say, but I will say and I do say all the time, if you find something that works better than the Model, I want it immediately. I am not professing that my tool is the best tool that works because I want you to believe that. It’s because I believe it.
If there’s something better, I’ll believe that as well. The Self-Coaching Model changed my life, it’s changed thousands of people’s lives, it’s a very elegant and clean way to look at and manage our minds in the world. That being said, I did not come up with the reality of it. You cannot come up with the truth. It just is what it is.
And the way that I present it and the way that I teach it and the way that I use it is simple and elegant and useful. And I think it’s an amazing tool. But there are thousands of other tools and thousands of other approaches and therapies and coach tools that work just as well. And I’ve tried most of them and I do use some of them and I have just found that this is the one that works the best for me, and I ultimately hope it’s the one that works best for you.
But if we find a better one, my friends, we’re always going to upgrade. We’re always going to keep evolving. We’re always going to keep becoming the best versions of ourselves.
Alright my friends, I am about to go and do some e-bikes for Leila’s birthday. We’re going to the top of Vail, I cannot wait. I hope you’re all having a beautiful summer grinding and playing. Have a beautiful day. Talk to you next week. Bye-bye.
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