You are listening to The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo episode number 410.
Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems and real coaching. And now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
Well hello, my friends. How are you? I’m so happy. I’m so happy to be here with all of you. I just watched my son play golf in Scottsdale. He was trying out for the Phoenix Open. He missed it by one stroke. Yikes. I have never seen – he shot a 65. This man of mine that I made from scratch is tearing up this golf course, my friends. I’m so happy.
We are going to do a podcast. He texted me one day and said, “Hey, I want to do a podcast with you on success and doubt, on having doubt when you’re being successful.” And I thought that was such a great idea. And I love talking to him about stuff like that. And he has such a great mental coach that he’s been working with. And it will be fun to tell you what his mental coach told him.
And he just played such beautiful, amazing golf. I’m so, so, so proud of him. And then, I just got back from Miami. I spoke at my friend Tonya Leigh’s event. That was a great time. And I really enjoyed being with my girl, my Tweedledee.
We had so much fun together on that stage. So, I’m looking forward – she’s going to come speak on my stage for the mastermind that we’re doing in April for certified coaches. And so, excited to have kind of repeat of that. It will be amazing.
But today, I want to talk to you about that part of you that you don’t like. Because I feel like I’ve done a lot of coaching with people on this recently, and one of the things that we have to remember is that we are human beings, and that we come with complete worthiness, complete perfection at our core.
And what that means is that, as humans, we are going to have amazing, wonderful, extraordinary experiences where we’re giving and we’re kind and we’re lovely and we’re amazing. And then, we’re also going to have the other half, the part where we’re not all those things and not the things that we want to necessarily be.
And I want to help you address the part of you that you don’t like because there’s a lot of, I think, unnecessary suffering and unnecessary judgment. When it comes to getting feedback or discovering other people’s opinions or getting other people’s judgments or seeing where we think we fall short in certain areas, that I think is completely unnecessary, and that we can drop the suffering on top of the suffering if we just accept that we are not perfect human beings in the sense that we are not meant to show up completely aligned with how everyone would have us. But we are perfect human beings in that we are the 50:50.
One of really cool authors – she’s a late life coach. Her name was Debbie Ford. And she talked about embracing our shadow side. And I think she was the first person that really gave me permission to embrace the part of me that’s kind of a bitch and not try and hide it and not try to pretend I’m not that, but just to really embrace it.
And I think Oprah was the other person that kind of gave me permission, when she was talking about how she’s not nice, but she’s generous. And that rang true for me too. I’m very generous, but I’m not very nice in the sense that I’m just not. I’m very kind and I’m very generous, but nice is not something that I am.
And so, it’s really fun to have other people in your life that are these things and to see the contrasts in your energy, and to also see that you don’t have to be everybody’s best asset in order to be amazing. And when you embrace and accept who you are and the parts of you that are not your favorite parts but you embrace them anyway, that is a really good time.
So, I think one of the easiest ways to start with this conversation is to just start with your physical body and really tell yourself the truth, what you aren’t liking about it. Do you wish you were taller or shorter or younger or prettier or had better hair or had different skin? What is it? What is going on for you? And noticing how this is kind of maybe running in the background.
And it’s interesting because I talked to Tonya Leigh a lot about self-image and looking in the mirror. And you can listen to that podcast that we did on that. And a lot of us kind of avoid even seeing the parts of us that we, quote unquote, don’t like, so we don’t get a chance to kind of explore them and accept them and allow them, so we end up just resisting them and pushing them away and keeping them unconscious.
But when you think about what is it about maybe your physical body that you’re not truly allowing or accepting? I’m not even talking about liking it or learning to love it. I’m just talking about acknowledging that it’s there and that it’s real and that you have thoughts about it instead of just avoiding it. And also, really understanding your relationship with yourself as it starts with your physical body. So I do think it’s a wonderful place to start.
So, one of the things that you might have heard me say and that I say a lot, like when I look in the mirror, I’m like, “This is what we’ve got today, sister. This is what we’re dealing with.” And there are things that are happening to my body as I get older that are fascinating to see. There are things that are happening to my body as I work out, Five Pounds Stronger, still going stronger, still there, still lifting, still not enjoying it.
There are parts of growing my hair out and different kinds of makeup and different outfits, and all of these things bring up all different kinds of thoughts about myself. And there are things that I don’t like.
And so, how do we deal with those things that we don’t like? We don’t pretend to like them, but we just acknowledge that we don’t, and try to understand them and let it be okay.
“Do I wish this were different? Yes, and…” and how can this be what we have today? How can we embrace all of it and accept all of it?
And one of the other ways that I really find it powerful to do is I was given all of this for a reason. There’s a reason why I don’t look like that, or there’s a reason why I don’t look like this. This is what I have, and this is perfect for me in all the ways.
And especially in the ways that I don’t like or in the ways that don’t match socialization or the ways that don’t match the standards of beauty. This is an opportunity to be with me in that space. And it doesn’t mean that we don’t try to improve ourselves and we don’t take care of our health and that we don’t change the things we want to change.
But we change them or work on them or accept them from a place of love, even though we don’t like those things. Do you hear what I’m saying? I’m not saying we have to love every single thing, but we can be loving to ourselves as we don’t like something about ourselves.
And as we move past the physical part of us, we can start evaluating maybe our personality and ways that we don’t show up in the way that we wish we did or we’re not perceived in the way that we would love to be perceived because that’s not who we are, that’s not our personality, that’s not what comes naturally to us.
And can we accept those parts of ourselves? Do we yell too much at our kids? Can we accept that without beating the crap out of ourselves? Do we procrastinate a lot? Do we luxuriate a lot? I say luxuriate instead of being lazy because I learned that from my friend Lauren, who is my luxuriating idol. She owns her life in a way that inspires me. And she would never, ever use words like lazy to describe herself. She would use words like, “I’m luxuriating.”
And she is right. And I love learning from her. I told her I thought she should be a coach, to teach people how to do this. Because we’re not as good at this as she is. She treats herself with such love and care and respect in that way. And so, what are the parts of you that maybe aren’t the same as other people, that maybe aren’t as ambitious or hard-driving or hustling, or maybe aren’t as relaxed and calm and present as you want them to be?
And can you acknowledge those things and not use them against yourself and not beat yourself up for them, but acknowledge and accept and love yourself anyway? Love yourself. Change what you want to change, but don’t change what you don’t want to change. And be who you are, not in a way that’s like, “Too bad, this is who I am. Deal with it,” but in a way where you’re gentle and kind with a loving presence with yourself of understanding that.
No one is meant to be all things to all people. When you look at all of the personality characteristics of great people, and they’re kind and they’re loving and they’re ambitious and they’re altruistic and they’re relaxed and they’re ambitious, like, you look, there’s so many contradictory positive assets that one person literally cannot have them all.
And when we idealize people and put them on pedestals and then compare ourselves to them, we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering. So, when you look at yourself, I like the idea of looking at yourself with all of the ingredients that make up you.
I want you to look at the spicy part of you, the grumpy part of you, the lazy part of you, the challenged part of you, all of those parts of you, the part of you that doubts yourself, that’s scared, that runs away, that part of you that nobody knows you’re judging, the part that you try and hide from the world, that’s the part I’m talking about.
Can you find a way to be in relationship with that part of yourself, that’s nonjudgmental, that’s non-hateful, that’s accepting and loving?
One of the ways that you can probably do this is, when you think about your favorite people, the people you love the most, unless you’re idealizing them and putting them on a pedestal in your mind, you do recognize that there are parts of them, not so great, not their best features.
And you know that and you accept that and you love the heck out of them anyway. If you’re smart, you don’t try and change them. You just try and hold space for them to be human and to let them, as humans, be who they are. But can we do that same thing for ourselves?
Can we be less punitive with ourselves? Can we accept the part of us we don’t like and actually like that we don’t like it?
Because I don’t know a person on the planet that doesn’t have something about themselves that they wish were different. So, what if we just accepted that and didn’t let it cause us so much pain, didn’t pretend it wasn’t there, didn’t resist it but just saw, “You know, I’m not good at holding down a job. I’m not good at paying my bills. I’m not good at…” whatever it is that you’re struggling with in your life, “I’m not good at being in a relationship, I’m not good at listening.”
And can we embrace the shadow, as Debbie Ford would say, and see that there are benefits to those things and there are things that make your life harder because of them, and God bless you. Blessed is you to know that you are worthy anyway.
I was giving some feedback to an employee. And it was really challenging feedback for me to give because the feedback I was giving to this person is also feedback I have received.
And sometimes, we work so hard to be one way because we want maybe to be more confident, we want to be more successful. And then, we get criticized for that very thing. And it’s just so defeating.
It’s like, we worked so hard to be this way, “And now you’re telling me it’s wrong and it’s bad and I shouldn’t be this way.”
And one of the things I said – and it was really profound for me to think about afterwards – is, “Sometimes the thing that makes me so successful is also the thing that is the most challenging when it comes to being with other people or playing nice. And so, how do we hear that feedback, still know that we’re worthy, still know that we’re amazing, make choices that make our life easier without debilitating ourselves? Without the crushing shame that comes with, “There must be something wrong with me because I’m experiencing so much shame when I’m given this feedback.”
And I will say that when I do this work on myself, I don’t like this about myself, “And that’s okay,” is what I add to the end. I am impatient, and that’s okay.
Notice how just saying, “I’m impatient and that’s okay,” makes me more patient. It’s wild. It’s like when we accept that we are experiencing this thing, then we can allow it to be there. There’s less tension around it. There’s less fuel for it.
And then maybe instead of saying, “I am impatient,” we can just say, “I’m experiencing impatience right now. It’s not who we are, it’s just what’s happening right now because of what I’m thinking.” And then all of that becomes lighter. All of that becomes less heavy in our lives.
We can separate out who we are as worthy, perfect, human, fallible human beings, then we can see that everything else is just part of the experience of being alive. And we can make it mean something.
And so, I have found that listening and hearing and accepting – this is something Byron Katie really taught me, is that when somebody has an observation about me, that instead of resisting it, I can allow it and accept it and find the truth in it. And that has really set me free in so many things in my life, when people accuse me of things, I’m usually agreeing with them.
And now, we just apply that back to ourselves and when we’re accusing ourselves of things and when we’re judging ourselves of things and when we’re not liking certain things about ourselves, how are we handling that? Are we even taking the time to handle it?
So, here is my suggestion to you. Sit down one day and write down what you don’t like about yourself and try to be playful with it, and try to be loving with it, and try to be compassionate with it, and separate it out from your value as a human, your worthiness as a human, and see it for what it is; just an opinion that you’re having about you. Not in an effort to change it. Not in an effort to create an alternative reality for yourself. But just to notice that you’re not liking certain things about yourself.
We have to bring them to the light of day and acknowledge them before we can change them, if we decide to. And ironically, the easiest way to change something is to establish some authority over it, to acknowledge it, to talk about how true it is.
And when you’re defensive with your own self, when you’re denying with your own self, you affect that self-love relationship. You’re like, “You shouldn’t be this way. You shouldn’t look this way. You shouldn’t wear that. You shouldn’t show up this way. You shouldn’t be so lazy.”
Whatever it is that you’re telling yourself that you shouldn’t be because you don’t like that about yourself, what if you just accepted that, “Yes, it is normal to have parts of me I do not like? That is part of my human experience today.”
It’s all part of it. We’re not supposed to eliminate it. Now, the way we’re socialized is every single thing that could be wrong about us, we are supposed to solve, on every single commercial we’ve ever seen.
What if there’s nothing to solve? What if it’s, “Yes, and… I’m this, and I’m also that. I’m this, and that’s part of my human experience,” and I can accept that about myself and own that.
And when it hurts other people or other people have feedback about it or other people want to tell me about it, I can open to it and say, “Yes, that is who I am.”
You’ve all seen me do this with money, right? You’re so – I hear all the time, “You’re so outspoken and you brag about your money all the time and you talk about how much money you make all the time and you’re so over the top about it.”
Yes, yes, I am. And that’s where I’m at. That’s what is. And there are parts of that that I don’t like about myself. I’m very direct when I talk to people. And sometimes that doesn’t work out very well. And sometimes, I end up having to apologize. And sometimes, I end up wishing I hadn’t said a certain thing in a certain way to a certain friend.
And I know that’s true about myself. I don’t like that about myself sometimes. And I love myself anyway. What is it for you?
I hear in some of your minds that you think, if you accept that maybe you’re overweight or you accept that you procrastinate or you accept that maybe you’re always late all the time or you accept that you’re impatient, that that will prevent you from changing those things that you maybe want to change because you don’t like them about yourself.
And I want to tell you, the exact opposite is true. In order to change something you don’t like about yourself, you have to own it. You can’t pretend it’s not true. You can’t hate on it and resist it and expect to change it. You have to accept it first because that’s where you get the authority.
And when you carry it around as a truth and with acceptance and knowing that for sure for the rest of my life, stuff’s going to come out of my mouth, it’s going to be out loud, that someone’s not going to expect, and they will end up feeling hurt.
I know this is true. I don’t like that it’s true, but I know that it is. And I love them and I love me anyway. And I know that’s how I am.
That very thing that I don’t like about myself in that context is the exact thing that makes me such an exceptional coach. I’m not afraid when I coach people. I know how to hold space. I know how to communicate to them. I know how to be honest with them and tell them the truth.
And so, I accept all of it as this big, all-encompassing life and humanness that is me, Brooke Castillo, including all the things I do not like. I’m not going to pretend I don’t like them anymore.
What are the parts of you that you don’t like? Don’t try to talk yourself out of them. What if you just accepted them? What if you just winked at them? What if you just owned them? And when other people bring them up to you, what if instead of being defensive about them, you just walked right up to them? The thing, not the person. Walked right up to the thing that you don’t like about yourself and hugged it and owned it?
I’ll tell you a funny story. I was talking to someone on a dating app and I asked him how tall he was. And clearly, this was not the right thing to ask this person. This person was not very tall, and clearly did not like that they were not very tall, had not accepted that they didn’t like that they were not very tall.
And that was not my intention of asking the question. That was not preventative for me of this situation. But we came back like, “What a rude question. I find you very rude.” I was like, “Wow, that is not sexy, my friend.”
But had I asked how tall he was and he would have owned it and been like, “Yeah, this is how tall I am and this is what’s up,” and maybe he wishes he was taller but owned that he wasn’t, it would be just a very different experience. Not only for me with him, but for him with him. Do you see what I’m saying?
So, what are those things in your life that you can explore? What are the parts of you that you don’t like? Don’t try to like them. But find a way to accept them and own them and be with them. It’s part of our human experience, my friends.
Have a gorgeous beautiful day, even all the parts of you that you don’t like, bring them along. It’s all part of the journey, my friends. Have a beautiful week. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
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