You are listening to The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo episode number 403. You’re going to want to share this one.
Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems, and real coaching. And now, your host, Master Coach instructor Brooke Castillo.
Well, my friends, welcome to the podcast. I’m actually out on a walk right now. And when I go on walks, I often listen to books on tape or podcasts or inspiring materials. I sometimes listen to my own classes when I need help in certain areas.
But today, I was walking in silence. And as I’m walking, I get tons of ideas. So, I start Slacking my team. I start creating content. I start trying to type as I’m walking. And I got this idea for a podcast and I decided, “Huh, maybe I will try to record it with my earbuds.”
And then, I noticed how much background noise there is, and Pavel – who is the most amazing podcast editor in the world, is very picky, as he should be. That’s what I pay him for – about sound quality. So, this will be completely unacceptable to him. Maybe to you. But I’m going to record it anyway and hopefully the message will come across.
And as I was walking, I was thinking about haters. I was thinking about people that hate on other people and complain about other people and judge them and put them down. And one of the things I realized is that haters don’t know they’re haters. Isn’t that crazy?
There’s a group of people that hate on me that, if you asked them, “Are you haters? All you guys sitting around in here talking shit, are you haters?” They wouldn’t say there was anything hateful about them. They think the object that they’re hating is hateful. They blame me in this case, right?
And so, for me and for so many of my friends, we laugh because we literally feel sorry for people that hate. Because they’re the ones feeling the hate. They’re the ones feeling bad about the person.
So, for example, if somebody hates me because – I’ll give you some examples of why some people hate me. So, I had this example where this one woman was furious at me and talking all sorts of garbage about me because she didn’t feel like she could spend enough time personally with me. Which I think is hysterical.
I’m like, “Do you think hating me is going to make me want to give you more things and spend more time with you? I think you’re confused.” And so, when she is sitting there thinking, you know, “Brooke Castillo isn’t doing what I want her to do…” which is basically all hate is people should behave differently. They have manuals for us.
And so, she ends up hating. And then not just hating me herself quietly in her mind, but she wants to share the hate with the other haters. That’s what we do tribally. We all want to get together and hate together. We all want to get together and love together. And then, we all want to get together and hate. That’s what this whole cancel thing is all about, people wanting to cancel other people because they can feel powerful in their pulling that person down. We love to build people up and then we love to pull them back down.
But the problem is, if we are part of the hating crowd, we feel justified in our hate. We feel justified in hating people that we think are doing it wrong. But the problem with that – and they may be doing it wrong according to you. They may be doing life wrong. And you may be super mad about it and you may want to talk to other people about that. You may want to build up some energy around that.
But I just want you to ask yourself why. Is it serving you? How has you hating me or hating my school or hating other people helped you? Has it?
People sitting around complaining about how other people have done them wrong or aren’t doing it right, how does that serve you in your life? One of the things that it does is it makes you feel some camaraderie with the other people that are hateful. There’s a connection.
And I’m not going to underestimate feeling part of a tribe, how important that is to all of us. But connecting through hate, connecting through complaining, connecting through negativity is a poor substitute for connecting through love and excitement and joy and success.
So, I always want to say, “Listen, it’s okay if you hate me. It doesn’t affect me. It doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t change my life at all.” I know that’s disappointing because I think part of our hate is we want other people to feel the pain of our hate. And we don’t even realize that we’re doing this, right?
But what if, instead of not liking me, hating me, being mad about me, or whoever it is who is the object of your hate, what if instead you all collectively together decided who you love? Obviously, it’s not me. Who is it? Who do you love? Who do you want to rally behind? Who do you want to support? Who do you want to believe in?
And if you can’t find an object of your life, like you found an object of your hate, have it be each other. Instead of getting together and commiserating, get together and start celebrating each other, start building each other up instead of tearing other people down.
You will still feel that sense of camaraderie. You will still feel that sense of connection. But it will be from a more positive place and it will create positivity in the world.
So, notice how it feels to say, “She’s doing it wrong. She’s bad. She let us down. She should…” whether you’re talking about me or someone else. I’m going over an overpass. Hang with me, Pave. We’ve got this. So, notice how that feels. There’s some connection. There’s energy behind it, right, because we hate her. We hate her.
And if you have this hate within you, I know for sure that most things are a projection. And I know for sure that hate begets hate. So, if you’re hating on me, you’re probably hating on yourself. So, just notice that – okay, here’s the other sidenote that’s super funny.
So, I’m walking on the trail talking very loudly so Pavel can hear me over the water dam and the noise, and other people are staring at me like I’m insane. So, there’s that.
But as you get together, there are opportunities to talk about what isn’t right, who’s doing it wrong. And you could all agree on it. But, so what? What does that get you?
And listen, I’m having the best freaking life. I’m winning. There’s no amount of hate that’s going to stop me from winning, from having an amazing life. I have chosen never to hate myself, no matter what happens. No matter what they take from me, no matter what they say about me, I love myself. I’m all set.
So, whatever your intention is in the hating of me or complaining about me or of anyone else – I mean, there are so many celebrities and politicians you could choose to hate for whatever reason and sit around and complain about.
Some of you just complain about the world. You just hate on the world. It’s just wrong. But where is that getting you? And how is it feeling? And for some of you, let’s say it feels powerful to have a collaboration of hate. Maybe it’s the one place have connection. It’s the one place you feel powerful because you feel justified in that, right?
So, let’s say that’s the only place you’re getting it. That’s sad. It’s so sad. Don’t have your most powerful place be feeling hate for someone else. I mean, if you can’t let go of the hate, if it’s super important to you to hate on someone, it’s fine if it’s me, but also give equal airtime to loving something, to throwing yourself into something positive, to looking for opportunities to build people, especially women, up.
Listen, women, the last thing we need to be doing is spending our time tearing each other down. What a freaking waste. Even if you don’t agree with other women. Even if you think some women are doing it wrong, what in the actual heck are you doing spending your time trying to tear down a successful woman? That is not helping us serve our mission in life.
But maybe that’s not your mission in life. Maybe your mission isn’t to build other people up. Maybe it is to tear them down. But you need to acknowledge that that’s true about you.
Haters don’t know they’re haters. Are you a hater? I’ll help you figure out if you are. Are you part of groups that talk shit about other people, that complain about other things, that look for opportunities to hurt other people, to cancel them, to bring them down?
Do you get excited when someone else hurts or struggles or is in pain? Are you mad about someone else’s success? Do you feel like the world isn’t treating you right, that people aren’t treating you right? Are you complaining about all the injustices and not doing anything in your own life to create a wonderful experience?
If you had a bad experience, what are you doing to make sure other people have great experiences? What is it you can do? Are you focused on that?
So, listen, you don’t have to be in a big huge Facebook group or a big huge group of people to be doing this. You could just do it with your three friends down the street complaining about Becky, complaining about the principal at school, complaining about your kid’s science teacher. It doesn’t have to be on a large scale. It doesn’t have to be a large celebrity. It could just be in your local community.
How often do you hear yourself talking shit? And what in the world for? What is that actually getting you in your life? It’s pathetic for so many of us who have so many amazing opportunities right now.
You’ve heard me say this before; as women, this is our freaking time to shine. There is so much opportunity out there. The things that have held us back have opened up right now. Are you part of that movement? Are you part of that solution? Are you part of that growth? Or are you trying to anchor and drag other people down because you’re not winning?
The answer to you not winning is not other people failing. It’s you winning. What are you doing with your thoughts? What are you doing with what you say? How are you spending your precious mental energy?
If you’re spending it writing negative review to Amazon about products that you’re really mad about or you’re spending time commenting on, you know, YouTubes about how someone looks in a negative way, you are wasting your precious opportunity to build people up and to grow.
Why would you do that? Maybe because you don’t even realize that you’re a hater. Maybe you have no idea that you’re doing that. Maybe your lack of awareness is so low, you don’t even know you’re doing it?
So, listen, I want to make a suggestion. Ask your friends, “Am I a hater? Do I complain? Do I put other people down?” And listen to the truth. And when you are around people that are hating, you might want to point it out to them. Like, “Yo, do you realize that you’re hating? You’re spending your time hating on this person when you could be growing your business. You could be winning instead of hating. You could be loving instead of hating.”
Why would you ever choose hate over love? You don’t have to love the object of your hate. Love yourself. Love something else.
What do you do when you find out that maybe you are a hater? You realize, “Oh shit, I am sitting around complaining about her and what she’s doing and how she’s done me wrong and how I’m not winning.” You’ve realized that.
That might be like a sucker punch in your gut. That might feel like, “Whoa, okay, I am doing this.” Do not beat yourself up over this. Do not start hating the haters. That’s a complete waste of time. But ask yourself, “What can I do instead? What do I want to do to generate more love, more joy, more positivity in the world? How can I get out of this group, stop talking to this gossip clan down the street? How can I make a change?”
Now listen, some of you are passive in this. So, you’re not complaining. You’re not the one saying the mean things. But you’re reading it and you’re paying attention to it and you’re putting it in your brain. Maybe you’re even enjoying other people hating other people, other people failing, falling down.
Do not let yourself off the hook for that because that’s hurting you. Filling your brain with negativity, why? Why would you do that? I can’t think of one upside for you. Not one. And listen, if you’re the leader of the haters, you should not be proud of that. That is not a good place for you to be. Where will you go with that? Where will you go?
Be a leader that enacts positive change, that focuses on the good that can happen. Complaining is not justice. If you need to fight for something, if you need to fight for justice, do it from love and positivity because of what you want to create, not of what you want to tear down.
Generate that positivity because then that energy will take you to the solution that you want. And it doesn’t mean you have to hate and it doesn’t mean you have to make people suffer. You can enact change from love. Believe that. It’s so much better for you.
Who do you want to be? And does that person say the shit you’re saying? Would you say that shit to the person’s face and then be proud of yourself? Would you be like, “I said that in a way that was constructive and that mattered and that changed the world for the better? I wasn’t being petulant. I wasn’t having a toddler fit. I wasn’t, you know, trying to stand up for myself,” energy?
That’s not going to get you anywhere. You have to think about, what is it you want? What can you create? And come from your powerful stance. And sometimes, that’s going to mean confronting someone in a constructive, positive way. But just ask yourself, why? Why are you doing that? Is there something positive and wonderful and amazing that will come from that? Or could your time be better spent somewhere else? Maybe on you growing what you want, being who you want to be.
Maybe I’m not who you want me to be, but are you? Are you the best version of yourself? Or are you just sitting around and complaining that I’m not the best version of myself for you? Do you see what I’m saying? It doesn’t hurt me. That hurts you. That doesn’t hurt another celebrity or the friend you have around the corner that you’re talking shit behind their back. That doesn’t hurt her life while you’re doing it. She probably doesn’t even know you’re doing it.
But it does hurt you. Do not underestimate how much that hurts you. Do not underestimate how much your words affect you, how much your negativity affects you. Stop it. Do not engage in it, even if you think it’s justified.
Unless you feel love and compassion and positivity for yourself – and you will know by the vibration in your body – stop it. It’s not constructive. It’s not useful. It’s buffering. You’re sitting around complaining about other people and how they’re doing it wrong because you’re not doing it right.
You’re not showing up in the way you want to show up. So, it’s easier to bring other people down than it is to rise up to their level. Trust me, I know this. I have done this myself many times, commiserating about how other people don’t treat me right and they’re the reason why I can’t succeed, they’re the reason why I am not as successful as them. It’s their fault.
And I have tons of evidence that it’s true and it still leaves me wanting. It still leaves me in a place where I’m not winning. I finally just told myself, “Enough is enough. I’m not going to hate on myself anymore. And I’m not going to hate on other people. It’s not a good use of my time. If I can’t build someone else up, I’m going to keep my mouth shut and build myself up.”
Are you a hater? The answer is probably yes. When I ask that question, I can find it. Go in, what are you complaining about? Who are you talking shit about? And maybe it’s you. But usually, if you’re talking shit about yourself and you’re negative towards yourself, you’re probably complaining about other people.
Maybe it’s someone in your family. Maybe it’s your sister-in-law you’re all hating on Maybe it’s your mother-in-law. Maybe you’re all sitting around talking about the ex-husband, and you feel so justified because he did her wrong, so you just sit around and complain about him. What’s that doing? Nothing. It’s doing nothing. It’s adding more negativity to the world. Not a good use of your time.
And if you’re participating in it passively, you’re still participating in it. Get yourself out of that situation. Confront that situation. You don’t even have to be negative. You can just be like, “Hey, can we talk about something more positive right now? I don’t want to talk shit about this guy anymore.”
Like, “Oh, but it makes the wife feel better.” No, it doesn’t. Talking about the ex-husband and what an asshole he is doesn’t make her feel better. I promise you. She was married to the guy. And she might even have kids with him. Stop it. Hating, stop it.
What can you do right now to make the world better? What can you do to make you better, to be more of who you are? Who do you want to be? Do you want to be that hater person? It’s a very simple change. You just commit to not doing it, period.
I went out on a date with a guy and we were walking down the street and a woman was walking towards us. And she was very attractive. She had an amazing outfit. And as she walked by. I said, “Girl, you are gorgeous and you look amazing.” And she was like, “Oh, thank you. Oh, my goodness, thank you so much.”
And I do this often. I celebrate the women. And he was so dumbfounded. And he said, you know, “Most women that I date would be very jealous of another gorgeous woman that maybe I would be looking at.”
I’m like, “What are you talking about? We’re both looking at her. How could you not look at her? She’s gorgeous.” And he was just like, “Oh my god, I’ve never seen life from that perspective.”
He was saying, you know, a lot of other women would put her down, find something negative about her to put her down so they could somehow feel better. Which of course, just makes you look terrible. It shows your character. And it’s not who you truly want to be. Complaining about other people does not look good on you.
You think it’s making the other person look bad. It’s making you look bad. And the people that are listening to your garbage, they feel bad too. So, not only are you making yourself feel bad. But you’re making all the people that are listening to you, all the rallying you’re giving about hating other people, the ex-husband or the ex-wife or the girl down the street, the slut down the street, whatever it is, everyone’s feeling bad.
There’s no joy in that. There’s no joy in trying to tear other people down. What’s the solution? Literally just stop. See it as buffering. See it as indulging. And listen, you will have withdrawal. If you are a good hater, if you’re a good complainer, if you’re in lots of groups complaining about other people, you take yourself out of those groups, you refuse to be part of it passively or actively, you’re going to go through withdrawal.
It’s so crazy. Because you’re buffering and you’ll be left with you. You’ll be left with your life. And that’s exactly what you want to be left with. Instead of bringing people down, bring yourself up. Create a life that’s magnificent.
Other people are going to do it wrong. And sometimes, you’ll need to acknowledge that they have, in a loving way, in a way that serves the world. I’m 100% for it. I listen to people complain about me constructively a lot and I hear it and I change for the better because of it, and I love that.
And I hear people whining at me and I ignore that shot because it’s not a good use of anyone’s time, especially theirs. Are you a hater? Answer the question honestly and then decide to change.
Let today be the last day you hate on purpose. Let today be the last day you hate consciously or unconsciously. Go out there and love what you love and stop talking about what you hate. You can still hate it. Just do it quietly. I’m tired of listening to it.
We want to hear what you have to say that’s positive. And I know that you have something good to say. You’re probably a very good person with lots of goodness. Share that with the world. Have a beautiful week, everyone.
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