Hi, this is The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo, episode number two. Hit it.
welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it's all about real clients, real problems, and real coaching. And now, your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
Hi, everybody. welcome to the podcast. I'm stoked that you're here for round two.
I hope that you'd listened to the first one already and you enjoyed it enough that you're back for a second helping of the work that I'm doing. It means a lot to me that you're here, and I am really focused on giving you everything I can to help you understand the power of coaching and how it can apply to your life. And when I was thinking about kind of the order I wanted to go through with these podcasts and what I wanted to offer you, I really thought about what most people struggle with.
I started the first podcast with lack of action, because most people, that's what they present with when they come. There's something that they want to do that they're not doing, or there's something that they're doing that they can't get themselves to stop doing. And the second most common thing that people present with is how they feel.
And so that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Today, I want to talk about how to feel better, basically. I mean, most people, that is their goal.
They just want to feel better. When you ask people what they really want in their life, they usually break it down to, I want to be happy. And when you ask them what that means, like when you really have them break down, what exactly do you mean that you want to be happy?
They'll say, you know, I just want to feel happy all the time. And I think that most of us would agree that that's something that we would all want. We love the idea of being happy.
And so I want to talk about being happy, and I also want to talk about all of the other feelings that go along with living a life. We talk about happiness as maybe being something that comes upon us. Most of my clients will come to me and they'll say something like, it just wasn't a happy day or I just didn't have, you know, a happy childhood or I just don't have a happy life.
We refer to things such as emotions as something outside of us. And so we kind of have to dial it back in and go back to the basics and talk about exactly what it means to be happy and remind ourselves that that is completely within our control. It has nothing to do with who we're married to or how many kids we have or whether we don't have kids or what kind of job we have or, you know, whether we have a car that we love or a car that we don't.
All of our emotions, including happiness, are created in our minds. And if you were to watch anything on TV, it would tell you otherwise, right? It would teach you that all of our emotions are really created outside of us by something we purchase.
If we buy this certain car, if we buy this certain food, then we will be happy. And so many of us are literally brainwashed by this idea, believing that we have to chase something external outside of us in order to change the way that we feel. And really, all advertising banks on you believing this.
And especially with my weight loss clients, this is a huge issue because really, you know, the idea is that all of the diet industry, and all of the diet foods, and all of the exercise equipment that you see on late night TV, they're all selling thinness as the secret to happiness. And if you could just have those six pack abs, and if you could just have that butt that that girl who's 18 has in a bikini running down the beach, then you would be happy. And so many of us have bought into this idea, hook, line, and sinker.
I know that I did for so many years. When I was first trying to get thin, and I was trying to figure out what was going on with me that I couldn't, I remember asking myself, would I rather be thin or happy? And it got me that question.
It stalled me because I really, really, really wanted to be thin. And I thought about it. It got me because I thought about it.
And I said, but if I was happy, would I care so much about being thin? And in fact, are those two things different to me? Or did I believe that being thin meant I would be happy?
Now, of course, you don't have to choose between those two things, but presenting them to myself in that way changed my life literally forever because it slowed me down enough to decide that what I really wanted was to be happy. And the reason why I wanted to be thin so badly is because I believed that thinness meant happiness. I have since learned that that is not true.
I have many clients who are thin and miserable. And in fact, when I think about the times in my life where I probably had the quote unquote best body is when I was in my teenage years, which were probably the most unhappy of my entire life. So if thinness really did equal happiness, then I should have been much happier than I was during that time.
And even when I've lost weight and gone on crazy diets before when I was younger, I never found that elusive happiness that was supposed to accompany that feeling. I did feel that shot of adrenaline kind of when I put on smaller size clothes, but then I kept spinning with why wasn't all of this making my life better. I do a cool exercise with my clients and I teach this to my students at the school.
And one of the things we ask when it comes to weight loss is we ask our clients, what will be different when you lose weight and what will be exactly the same? And that's true for any of you or any of our clients, right? With any goal that they have, you know, when they get married, when they have a baby, when they make their first million dollars, whatever it is, what will be different when you achieve that goal?
And what will be exactly the same? Like really think about that because a lot of us want to put a goal out there because we believe that everything will be rainbows and daisies as soon as we achieve it and it gives us some sense of control over our lives. But what I really want to teach you and what I really want to make sure you understand and all of my students is that the only reason why any of us ever want anything is because how we believe we will feel in the attaining and getting of it.
So for me, the reason why I wanted to be thin was because I believed it would make me happy. Whatever it is you want in your life, it's because you believe that you will feel better in the having of it. And so first identifying how is it that you really want to feel, would you answer that question the same way?
Would you say, I just really want to be happy? I remember asking this question to my mom a long time ago, and she just said, I just want to be at peace. Other people will say, I just want to be excited.
What is it that you want to feel? What is it that seems so elusive? And then ask yourself what you think would give you that feeling?
And are you focused on something externally, and something that you think you need to achieve? Or are you believing that you can create whatever emotion it is that you want now? I mean, I think when I found this out, when I really understood that my thinking is what creates my feelings, I remember thinking that I had just won life's lottery.
I had just won the emotional secret to the universe. And all I needed to do to have anything I want, because if what I really want in my life is just to feel a certain way, that's why I want all these external things. And the only way I can really feel that way is by controlling the thoughts that I'm having in my mind and deciding to deliberately think what I want to think, then I can create any emotion I want.
It was like, booyah, what am I messing around with all this other stuff? I'm just going to focus on how I want to feel. So for you, if it's happiness, for some of you, it's joy.
For some of you, it's excited. Whatever feeling you most want to feel, really think about that feeling and remember, the way that we describe feelings is that they're a vibration in our body. So we teach our students to focus on those vibrations and to focus on the experience of having an emotion and really describing it.
Like really describe that emotion in your body and how it feels. And this is true for negative emotion too. And we actually, you know, really want to teach our clients and students how to feel any emotion, because if you're willing to feel any emotion, there's nothing you're not willing to do.
Because just like everything you want to do in your life and everything you want to have in your life is because how it will make you feel. The same is true for everything you don't want to do in your life, right? Everything you avoid in your life is because you're afraid of how it will make you feel.
So if you're willing to feel any emotion and you really get good at feeling your emotions, then you can go into any situation with very little fear because there is no feeling that you're unwilling to feel. And you also know how to create positive emotion and therefore feel positive emotion whenever you want. So here's how you feel emotions that you want to feel.
You think about that emotion. So if that emotion is happiness and you really identify what happiness feels like in your body and you really understand why you want to feel it, then you have to go back to that truth that all emotions are created by thoughts. So then you ask yourself, what would I be thinking if I was feeling happy?
What would I be thinking if I was feeling excited? And you kind of trace it backwards. And so you think, okay, I don't know.
That's what most of my students and clients will say. I don't really know what I'm thinking when I'm happy. And I say, okay, so what do you think would make you happy?
People always say to me, nine times out of 10, they'll say either I want to be thin or a million dollars. If somebody gave me a million dollars right now, I'd be happy. And I used to, it's so funny, this is kind of a little side note.
I used to think about when I would hear someone won the lottery, I'd read about it in the newspaper that they won like a hundred million dollars. And I used to like fantasize what it would be like for that person. I'd be so happy for them.
And like trying to imagine like what they were thinking when they won that money, like what would be going on in their mind that would make them happy? I mean, they don't even have the money yet. They just found out that they won it.
And they literally don't have in their possession one more dollar than they had the day before. In fact, they have a dollar less probably if they bought a lottery ticket. And yet they are experiencing an emotion that is so different than anything they've probably ever experienced.
And the only reason why they're experiencing that emotion is because of a thought. Now, people will say, well, in order for the emotion to be real and to truly be felt, that the thing has to be true. And I always say, that's not true, though, because if somebody said to you that you won the lottery and you believe them, you would feel excited.
You would feel ecstatic probably. Now, they could be lying. So it doesn't have to be true.
All that has to be true is that you believe it. If you believe a thought, it will create an emotion. And so when you think about that lottery winner, what do you imagine that they would be thinking when they found out they won that lottery?
And that thought is what makes them happy. The money doesn't make them happy. And in fact, the money just sits there.
It doesn't do anything, right? It's all the ideas that are going through the person's mind, all of the thoughts that are going through that person's mind that are creating that happiness. And so when you think about, for you, what would make you the most happy?
What do you believe would really, without a shadow of a doubt, make you so happy? Then think about what thought you're thinking when you imagine that, when you think about it. And can you identify that that thought is something you could choose to think now?
So if somebody wins a lottery and they start thinking, my life is always going to be great now. I'm going to be able to do all the fun things I want to do. I'm going to be able to buy everything I have ever wanted to buy.
And that is going to be so amazing because I'll never have to worry again. So if you grab a thought like I'll never have to worry again, that thought right there, if you believe that thought, you are going to feel so amazing. Like, can you think that thought right now?
I never have to worry again. And of course, they're thinking about money. But the truth is none of us ever really have to worry.
Worry is not a requirement. Worry is not even necessary in order to live an amazing life. And in fact, worry most of the time has nothing to offer us that's useful.
Because most of our worry is about nothing, is about stuff that hasn't even happened nor will ever happen. We just spend our time spinning our wheels on it. So maybe you don't win the lottery, but maybe you do start to adopt this idea that you don't have to worry.
And let's say you're able to really start believing that and thinking that, because there is so much truth to that. And maybe you start to notice that you feel better even without anything external having changed. That really is the secret to feeling happy.
People will say, just think happy thoughts. Oh yeah, I'll just think happy thoughts and then I'll feel happy. And it just sounds so silly.
But the truth is, you can't think happy thoughts if you don't believe them and feel better and feel happy. But you can think happy thoughts and feel happy if you believe those thoughts. That is the secret to the universe.
That is the secret to everything in your life, to feeling amazing. You have to think thoughts that are amazing feeling thoughts and truly believe them. Every emotion that you ever experience is because of a thought you're thinking.
Now, inevitably, when I introduce this concept to my students, they always come back and say, well, what about this? They always have a scenario where they don't think a feeling is caused by a thought, and they'll say, well, what about when somebody dies? And that's typically the example that someone presents.
And I say to them, I said, well, I understand that that's a pretty intense feeling. But the feeling does not come from the person dying. The feeling comes from the thought you have about the person dying.
And that's why everybody's death doesn't have the same experience for every person, because everyone's thoughts about that person dying are different. So, for example, if someone dying caused grief, then their death would all cause us the same amount of grief, which it doesn't. And in fact, the death itself doesn't cause the grief, because we don't feel any grief until we think about the person dying.
If we don't know that the person has passed, then we don't feel grief, right? Because it hasn't hit our brain yet. We haven't had the thought about it.
Now, I know that some of you are probably thinking, well, what does he mean? That's just semantics, but it's everything because how you decide to think about something determines how you feel about something. So how you decide to think about your spouse will determine how you feel about your spouse.
You may think that your spouse determines how you feel about them, but they don't. You're the one in charge of how you feel about them, despite what they do or don't do. Whatever you decide to think about them will determine how you feel about them.
And that's the same with anything that happens in your life. How you decide to think about it will determine how you feel. And that's why people of very different means and very different relationship status and very different social situations can be equally as happy.
Because it has nothing to do with any of that. What determines your level of happiness, what determines any emotion that you're having is how you are thinking. So if you are thinking that you're a wonderful person with a wonderful life, and that you're lucky and that you are grateful for everything that you have, you're going to have a certain level of happiness and gratitude and appreciation in your life.
You could have that exact same life with very different thoughts about not being lucky, not getting your breaks in life, not having the people that you want in your life, and with the exact same life, be miserable. So the only thing that determines the difference there is how you decide to think. How you think is going to determine how you feel, because all of your thoughts cause feelings.
Now, I know for some of you, this is repetitive, right? You're hearing me say this many, many times. But I'm doing that on purpose because it's not something that's well known.
And for those of you who are new to me or this podcast, I want to make sure that it's something that is really clear by the time I'm done speaking. So if you want to know why you're feeling anything you're feeling, all you have to do is ask yourself, what is the thought that I'm currently having that is causing this feeling? Okay?
So if you're feeling excited, it's because you're having a thought that's exciting you. If you're feeling sad, it's because you're having a thought that's creating sad for you. So ask yourself right now, what am I feeling?
Name that feeling that you're feeling right now. And then ask yourself, what are the thoughts that I'm having, or the thought that I'm having right now that's creating that feeling?
I hope that you really did that, because that is one of the most powerful things you can know. Knowing that you can have any feeling you want, if you can find a thought you believe that will create it. And any feeling that you're having that you don't want to be having, the good news is, is that you're the one creating it.
I know that may not sound like good news, but it totally is good news, because if you're the one creating your feeling, then you're the one that can create a different feeling. So let's kind of back up a little bit and go back to what we were talking about in terms of happiness and saying, I just want to be happy. And believing that that's something that is created, those feelings are created by what's happening on the outside of your life, by whether you've made it in the way that you want, whether you own the stuff you want to own, whether you're in the job you want to be in.
And remind yourself that has nothing to do with any of that, that everything that you feel is a choice. Let me just repeat that for a minute, because this kind of can blow your mind if you allow it. Everything you feel is a choice.
And I'm not suggesting that you should feel happy all the time. And in fact, most of us don't want to feel happy all the time. We might say, oh, I just want to be happy all the time.
But the truth is, we don't. When someone dies, we don't want to feel happy. When one of our friends is in pain, we don't really want to feel happy.
We want to feel sad. And we want to feel grief when someone dies. And we want to feel neutral sometimes.
And sometimes, we just want to feel chill, right? We don't always want to be happy. We don't always want to be excited.
But we get to decide. That's a choice we get to make, okay? It's something that nobody decides for you.
And it's not something that anyone can take away from you, is your ability to choose how you want to feel about anything. So, here's where I want you to really think about your life. And one of the exercises that we do is I want you to think about the three feelings that you have on a regular basis.
What would you say are your top most common feelings? And I'm going to put the worksheet that we use with our clients and we give to our students in the show notes, so you can play around with this. But we call it the top three feelings.
And what you do is you really think about the three feelings that you have most often during the day. And please don't beat yourself up if you happen to have three very negative feelings. It doesn't mean anything about you or your character or anything like that.
Okay, so just be honest about it. Just write your top three feelings. And then what you can explore is what are the thoughts that you're having that are creating these top three feelings?
If you're the one that creates your feelings, then what are the top thoughts that you're having regularly that are creating these feelings? Then the next question that you ask yourself is, what are the three feelings I want to be having more regularly? What are the feelings that if I could choose, I always create this imagery, right?
You're at a party, it's black tie. There's a guy in a tuxedo, he's walking around with a big silver tray. And on that tray are all the emotions that are available to you.
You know, the guy that's walking around, he's like, hors d'oeuvre, hors d'oeuvre, hors d'oeuvre, right? So he comes up to you and says, feeling? And you get to choose from this huge tray of all the feelings available to you.
What one do you want to choose? And if you could choose three feelings to have on a regular basis, what are your favorites? What would you choose to feel?
You know, I think personally, one of the best feelings is to feel proud of myself. And I'm not talking about the kind of pride where you think you're better than other people. That's not what I'm talking about here.
I'm not talking about that kind of, you know, boastful kind of thing. I'm talking about, like, really having the ability to overcome something and then to kind of have your own back and be proud of yourself for it. I think that feeling is the best feeling ever.
I also love feeling joyous and I love feeling excited. And so those are really the feelings that I like to create as often as I can. And so, for example, one of the ways that I feel proud is by reminding myself of my accomplishments, reminding myself of what I'm doing for my family, what I'm doing for my business, what I'm doing for my clients, what I do for my students, what I do for myself, how I take care of myself, you know, stuff that I do every day.
But when I take the time to think about it on purpose, then I get to experience that feeling of being proud of myself. And it's the same with excitement, you know. Excitement can be pretty elusive if it's not, you know, some big huge event coming up that I can think about and then be excited about.
But if I deliberately think about things that I'm excited about and I deliberately think thoughts that create excitement for me, then I feel excited a lot more often. That it's a feeling that I create for myself. And I feel that way about like my goals, because I set goals for myself.
And then I feel very excited about them because I believe that they will come true, that I will create them, that I will do the work necessary to have that result that I want. And so when I think about those outcomes, those results that I want, I get very excited because I believe that they will happen and they're big and they're audacious. And I'm so excited because I know on some level that I will have them.
Right. And then also the same with happiness. Like really, for me, happiness comes from knowing that that is my natural state and that it's all of our natural state.
And that really the purpose of our lives, I believe, is to find a way to endure happiness. I just recently read the book by Gay Hendrix called The Big Leap. And one of the things he talks about in there that makes so much sense to me is that we are evolving as humans into a whole different world, right?
It used to be that we'd have to worry all the time in order to survive. We had to be on edge. We had to be stressed out, literally, or we would die.
Like sleeping with one eye open, having insomnia was actually a good thing. It's something that we were kind of, you know, created. And it's to do and it helped us survive.
I think all of us warriors, all of us stressed out people are the ones that made it. But now, here we are still using those same genetic predispositions in a world where it's completely unnecessary. And one of the things that Gaye talks about is that we have to evolve into being able to endure happiness, to be able to practice and stay in happiness, because it's not something that we've had a lot of practice doing as a species.
And so when I know that, when I know that like happiness and feeling happy is about the thoughts that I'm thinking, and that that's really a skill that I can practice, and I can really, you know, literally practice being happy, practice creating those thoughts that generate happiness for myself, then I can do that in a way that serves me. So please take that time and do that exercise for yourself, because there's so much to be learned from understanding what's going on in your mind, and what you're creating in terms of your feelings in your life. And by writing down the three feelings that you have most often, and the thoughts that are causing them, and then writing down the three thoughts you want to have, and exploring what thoughts you would need to believe and think in order to feel that way, you're much closer to finding a way to feel that way than you are if you don't pay attention to what's going on in your mind.
It's very difficult to be happy when your mind is filled with negative clutter. So that's the assignment that I have for you. And I really hope that you won't just listen to this podcast, that you won't just use it as entertainment or to go, huh, that's kind of interesting.
I really want to challenge you to do the work that I'm asking you and to apply what I'm teaching you. Because if you do, you will feel the effect of it. You won't just hear it.
You'll feel it in your own life. And you'll see what a game changer it is. So please do that.
Make some comments in the notes. Underneath the show notes, let me know what your top three feelings are and what you would like them to be. And share any thoughts that you have about this podcast.
And I will respond to you personally. I look forward to seeing you there. Have a good week, everybody.
Bye bye.
Thank you for listening to The Life Coach School Podcast. It would be incredibly awesome if you would take a moment to write a quick review on iTunes. For any questions, comments, or coaching issues you would like to hear on the show, please visit us at www.thelifecoacheschool.com.
