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The Three Secrets to Feeling Better

Do you have almost everything you ever wanted—a good job, a good family, your health, etc.?

Yet despite having these things, you don’t feel amazing.

You really just want to feel better.

Most of my clients come to me for this very reason.

Their lives seem great on the surface. They have a good job, a good family, they’re in good health, and generally, they have everything they thought they ever wanted. But something is off. They don’t feel great about their lives.

This is where I come in. I have built a career around helping people feel better.

I was introduced to self help at the age of 15. Immediately, I became obsessed.

I’ve studied all the self help books, gone to countless seminars, and built an entire school for the most elite coaches in the world.

I’ll share the three secrets to feeling better with you below, but before I do, click the box below to get exclusive access to my free video training and worksheet, which will help you put this information into action right away.

Let’s start with what it really means to not feel good. This will help you understand how to solve the problem.

What It Means to Not Feel Good

At the root cause of why you don’t feel good is what you’re thinking. It’s your thinking that is causing your suffering.

What I teach in the Self Coaching Model (and the way the world works) is that your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your actions, and your actions create your results.

At the causal level of your not feeling good is what you’re thinking.

The only way to really feel better is to change how you’re thinking.

I don’t want you to feel bad about your thinking, though. You are human. These thoughts are normal. You just haven’t learned how to manage your mind.

There is no need to feel bad about feeling bad.

In fact, there are many times when you probably want to feel bad. When someone dies or someone you love betrays your trust—you probably don’t want to be happy about it.

Negative emotion is part of the human experience. The goal is not to avoid, resist, or react to negative emotion, but instead, to open yourself up to the experience. When you stop resisting, avoiding, and reacting to it, you get authority over it.

That is negative emotion that you want to feel. There are some negative emotions that you don’t want to feel—like self pity or worry, which are two negative emotions that aren’t useful.

Here is how you can feel better and get yourself out of the negative emotions you don’t want to feel.

The Three Secrets to Feeling Better

The way you feel better is by managing your mind—not changing your life.

I have been doing this in my own life for years. For the past 12 years, I’ve been teaching this to students to change their own lives.

Because so many people want coaching from me personally, I created Self Coaching Scholars, my monthly coaching program. This is how I help so many people feel better on a daily basis. This is how I serve the world and teach people how to get the results they want in their lives.

Here’s how you can start to do it in your life.

Secret #1: Other People Do Not Hurt Your Feelings

The first secret to feeling better is that other people do not hurt your feelings. Your thoughts cause your feelings. When you think something, you feel something. Other people can’t jump in your body or your head and make you feel something.

For example, I was in a movie theater once and there were people talking behind me for most of the movie. I began to get so angry about it. Then I realized that one person was translating for the other person. Once I had this new thought, my anger immediately went away. What changed? My thought.

An example I hear a lot from my clients is with marital problems. One client will say she is angry her husband always comes home late. The reason she feels anger is that she’s thinking he doesn’t care about her or about being on time or their relationship. The truth is that her husband is actually thinking he can never please her, he hopes she’s not mad again, and he doesn’t want to disappoint her. The anger my client experienced is from her thoughts about her husband being late, not the circumstance of him actually being late.

Other people don’t hurt you.

Your husband cheating on you is a circumstance. Your thought about the cheating is what’s causing you so much pain. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel pain. This means that you choose what you want to feel. You probably don’t want to be the type of person who feels happy and joyous when your spouse cheats on you. But by owning the fact that you are choosing to feel anger, sadness, or heartbreak, you get your power back. It’s your choice to feel this way. You are feeling this way because you want to.

Secret #2: Your Brain Is Innocently Working Against You

The second secret to feeling better is to understand how your brain works.

Your primitive brain is the part of your brain that is always trying to keep you alive. It seeks pleasure, avoids pain, and aims to conserve as much energy as possible (this is known as the motivational triad). This was very useful for our evolution as a species because we knew to seek food and sex and avoid getting eaten by tigers.

It’s not so useful now, because we’re using it in our emotional lives to fear our bosses, ignore our goals, and escape our negative emotions by overeating, overdrinking, and overspending. We are becoming addicts, overweight, alcoholics, laying around, and expending the least amount of energy possible. We used to be forced out in order to survive. Now, in order to survive, we have to force ourselves to do it.

The other part of your brain that’s relevant here is the prefrontal cortex, which is the planning part of your brain. This is the forward thinking, rational part of your brain that you set big goals from.

When you set a big goal from your prefrontal cortex, you create something new for your future. Almost immediately after that, your primitive brain goes into fight or flight mode and tries to protect you. It is doing this because it wants to repeat what you’ve done in the past. That’s the way it was designed. It knows that if you repeat the past, you’ll stay alive. It’s just trying to keep you alive. What your primitive brain doesn’t know is that you don’t need to be protected from your goals.

When you try to take action against your brain, you’re always going to lose. You have to understand your brain is just avoiding the unknown to try to protect you. It’s doing this to protect you and keep you alive.

Failure does not mean death. You don’t need to make failure, fight or flight, or any other negative emotion mean anything. Failure only happens in your brain.

Feeling bad and scared about something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your brain is just telling you something negative. Once you know this, you can understand it and change it.

Secret #3: You Don’t Need to Change Your Life to Feel Better

The third secret is that you don’t need to change anything in your life to feel better.

Your thoughts cause your feelings. In order to feel better, all you need to do is change your thinking.

This is very good news because most of us can’t change our world right this second.

Control is an illusion. You can’t control the world. You can’t control other people, your past, or your circumstances. But you can control your mind. You can control your thoughts and what you make your circumstances mean.

When you say, “You should do this to make me feel this way,” you leave it completely up to the other person for how you feel. You are giving your power away.

Trying to change the world so you feel better is backwards. You need to change how you feel to change the world.

Next Steps

Remember, your thoughts cause your feelings. To change your feelings, you must change your thoughts.

This is how you manage your emotional life.

Join me right now in this free video training, where you can download your worksheet and learn how to feel better.

To learn more about my monthly coaching program, visit