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How to Stop Beating Yourself Up

Beating yourself up feels important. It feels like you care.

So many of us are trained to believe that if we don’t beat ourselves up, we won’t get the results we want. If we don’t beat ourselves up, we’ll be complacent.

I want to suggest to you that the opposite is true.

You don’t need to beat yourself up to get the results you want.

When you make this decision from an abundant and conscious place, you’ll see incredible results. But you must be willing to make the decision to stop beating yourself up.

Before I dive into the details below, jump on over to my free How to Stop Beating Yourself Up mini training​, where you can get the step by step process for implementing this in your life right now.

There are three steps to take right now that will help you stop beating yourself up.

Step 1: Become aware of your thoughts when you make a mistake.

The first step is to become aware of what you’re thinking when you make a mistake.

You have to think about your own thinking. You have to pay attention to your brain.

When you “mess up” in your life (you overeat, you skip working out, you procrastinate, etc.), what are you making it mean? I see so many of my students in Self Coaching Scholars, my monthly coaching program, beat themselves up.

They’re in the habit of beating themselves up when they’re in the moment of making a mistake without realizing it.

What you think about yourself and what you say to yourself in these moments is so important. It has a huge impact in your life.

When you make a mistake, acknowledge it. Then acknowledge that you can’t change it.

When you overeat, catch yourself. Acknowledge you overate. Then focus on how you’re thinking about it.

You have to learn the process of thinking about your own thinking.

One of the ways to do this is to write what you’re thinking and saying to yourself.

You will be shocked at how nasty you are to yourself. You will find yourself treating yourself far worse than you treat anyone else in your life. You’ll say mean things you wouldn’t dare ever say to someone you love.

Step 2: Notice how you feel when you think those thoughts.

The next step is to notice how you feel when you think those thoughts.

Your thoughts cause all your feelings. When you think a thought, it makes you feel a certain way.

How do you feel when you beat yourself up? Do you feel good? Do you feel bad?

For example, after overeating, you might think, “I hate myself.” The feeling you might experience from this thought is shame.

When you act from shame, you will take self-sabotaging action. You won’t take action to do better the next time.

The key here is to identify the specific thought from Step 1 and the exact feeling the thought is creating.

Identify the emotion as one word. Name it.

Then ask yourself if the emotion is serving you.

I spend a lot of time with my students in Self Coaching Scholars on this step. So often, the awareness alone changes their lives.

Step 3: Decide what you want to think instead.

The last step is to intentionally decide what you want to think instead.

The truth is that all your thoughts are optional. Instead of being so cruel to yourself, choose thoughts that are kind and supportive. This will generate positive emotions that will help you create new results in your future.

Think about how you would treat someone you really care about who had just messed up.

You probably wouldn’t say, “Oh, it’s fine. Who cares? It doesn’t matter anyway.” Instead, you might say something like, “You’ll get it next time. What went wrong? How can we fix this?

You’re a great person who did something that wasn’t great. Let’s fix it for the future.”

Think about that for yourself. Start treating yourself like you would treat someone you love.

When I do something I don’t like, I like to say to myself, “What’s wrong, love? How can I do better next time?”

Choose thoughts right now that you can use the next time you make a mistake. Then practice those thoughts the next time you do something you don’t like.

Next Steps

When you beat yourself up, you undermine your confidence and your ability to be a leader in your own life.

I challenge you to make a commitment to no longer tolerate this behavior in yourself.

Let me help you right now in this free mini training where I show you how to stop beating yourself up.

To learn more about my monthly coaching program, visit