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Ep #2: How to Feel Better

One of the fundamental questions that almost everyone asks us is how to feel better. On this week’s episode we are going to talk about what it takes to feel exactly the way that you want to feel. Most people think that they want to feel happy all of the time. I want to talk about exactly what it means to be happy and where all of our emotions come from. We will also discuss the keys to determining how to change the way that you think, and ultimately how you feel.

What You will discover

  • All of our emotions, including happiness, are created in our minds.
  • Why being thin does not always equate to being happy.
  • How to identify how it is that you actually want to feel.
  • Whatever it is in you want in your life, it is because you believe you will feel better in the having of it.
  • How you decide to think about something determines how you feel about something.
  • How to determine the three feelings that you have most on a regular basis.

Get the Full Episode Transcript:

download the transcript

Episode Transcript:

Welcome to The Life Coach School podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems and real coaching. And now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo. Hi everybody. Welcome to the podcast. I am stoked that you’re here for round 2. I hope that you listened to the first one already and you enjoyed it enough that you’re back for a second helping of the work that I’m doing. It means a lot to me that you’re here and I am really focused on giving you everything I can to help you understand the power of coaching and how it can apply to your life. When I was thinking about the order I wanted to go through with these podcasts and what I wanted to offer you, I really thought about what most people struggle with. I started the first podcast with lack of action because most people, that’s what they present with when they come. There’s something that they want to do that they’re not doing, or there’s something that they’re doing that they can’t get themselves to stop doing. The second most common thing that people present with is how they feel. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about today. I want to talk about how to feel better, basically. I mean most people, that is their goal. They just want to feel better. When you ask people what they really want in their life, they usually break it down to, “I want to be happy.” When you ask them what that means, like when you really have them break down what exactly do you mean that you want to be happy, they’ll say, “I just want to feel happy all the time.” I think that most of us would agree that’s something that we would all want. We love the idea of being happy. I want to talk about being happy and I also want to talk about all of the other feelings that go along with living a life. We talk about happiness as maybe being something that comes upon us. Most of my clients will come to me and they’ll say something like, “It just wasn’t a happy day,” or, “I just didn’t have a happy childhood,” or, “I just don’t have a happy life.” We refer to things, such as emotions, as something outside of us and so we kind of have to dial it back in and go back to the basics and talk about exactly what it means to be happy and remind ourselves that that is completely within our control. It has nothing to do with who we’re married to or how many kids we have or whether we don’t have kids or what kind of job we have or whether we have a car that we love or a car that we don’t. All of our emotions, including happiness, are created in our minds and if you were to watch anything on TV, it would tell you otherwise. It would teach you that all of our emotions are really created outside of us by something we purchase. If we buy this certain car or if we buy this certain food, then we will be happy. So many of us are literally brainwashed by this idea believing we have to chase something external outside of us in order to change the way that we feel. Really, all advertising banks on you believing this, especially with my weight-loss clients. This is a huge issue because really, the idea is that all of the diet industry, and all of the diet foods, and all of the exercise equipment that you see on late-night TV, they’re all selling thinness as the secret to happiness and if you could just have those 6-pack abs and if you could just have that butt that that girl who’s 18 has in a bikini running down the beach, then you would be happy, and so many of us have bought into this idea hook, line and sinker. I know that I did for so many years. When I was first trying to get thin and I was trying to figure out what was going on with me that I couldn’t. I remember asking myself would I rather be thin or happy. It got me that question. It stalled me because I really, really, really wanted to be thin. I thought about it. It got me because I thought about it and I said, “But if I was happy, would I care so much about being thin?” and in fact, are those 2 things different to me, or did I believe that being thin meant I would be happy? Now, of course, you don’t have to choose between those 2 things, but presenting them to myself in that way changed my life, literally, forever, because it slowed me down enough to decide that what I really wanted was to be happy. The reason I wanted to be thin so badly is because I believed that thinness meant happiness. I have since learned that that is not true. I have many clients who are thin and miserable, and in fact, when I think about the times in my life where I probably had the “best body” is when I was in my teenage years, which were probably the most unhappy of my entire life, so if thinness really did equal happiness, then I should’ve been much happier during that time. Even when I’ve lost weight and gone on crazy diets before when I was younger, I never found that elusive happiness that was supposed to accompany that feeling. I did feel that shot of adrenaline when I put on smaller-sized clothes, but then I kept spinning with why wasn’t all of this making my life better. I do a cool exercise with my clients and I teach this to my students at the school, and one of the things we ask when it comes to weight loss is we ask our clients, “What will be different when you lose weight, and what will be exactly the same?” That’s true for any of you, or any of our clients with any goal that they have, you know, when they get married, when they have a baby, when they make their first million dollars, whatever it is, what will be different when you achieve that goal, and what will be exactly the same? Really think about that because a lot of us want to put a goal out there because we believe that everything will be rainbows and daisies as soon as we achieve it and it gives some sense of control over our lives. What I really want to teach you and what I really want to make sure you understand, and all of my students, is that the only reason why any of us ever want anything is because how we believe we will feel in the attaining and giving of it. For me, the reason why I wanted to be thin was because I believed it would make me happy. Whatever it is that you want in your life, it’s because you believe that you will feel better in the having of it, and so first identifying how is it that you really want to feel. Would you answer that question the same way? Would you say, “I just really want to be happy.” I remember asking this question to my mom a long time ago and she just said, “I just want to be at peace.” Other people will say, “I just want to be excited.” What is it that you want to feel? What is it that seems so elusive? Then ask yourself what you think would give you that feeling and are you focused on something externally and something that you think you need to achieve, or are you believing that you can create whatever emotion it is that you want now. When I found this out, when I really understood that my thinking is what creates my feelings, I remember thinking that I had just won life’s lottery. I had just won the emotional secret to the universe and all I needed to do to have anything I want, because if what I really want in my life is just to feel a certain way, that’s why I want all these external things, and that the only way that I can really feel that way is by controlling the thoughts that I’m having in my mind and deciding to deliberately think what I want to think, then I can create any emotion that I want. That is like, “Booya!” Like, “What am I messing around with all this other stuff? I’m just going to focus on how I want to feel,” so for you, if it’s happiness, for some of you it’s joy, for some of you it’s excited, whatever feeling you most want to feel, really think about that feeling, and remember, the way that we describe feelings is that they’re a vibration in our body. We teach our students to focus on those vibrations and to focus on the experience of having an emotion and really describing it, like really describe that emotion in your body and how it feels. This is true for negative emotion, too, and we actually really want to teach our clients and students how to feel any emotion, because if you’re willing to feel any emotion, there’s nothing you’re not willing to do. Because just like everything you want to do in your life and everything you want to have in your life is because how it will make you feel, the same is true for everything you don’t want to do in your life, right? Everything you avoid in your life is because you’re afraid of how it will make you feel, so if you’re willing to feel any emotion and you really get good at feeling your emotions, then you can go into any situation with very little fear because there is no feeling that you’re unwilling to feel and you also know how to create positive emotion and therefore feel positive emotion whenever you want. Here’s how you feel emotions that you want to feel. You think about that emotion, so if that emotion is happiness, and you really identify what happiness feels like in your body and you really understand why you want to feel it, then you have to go back to that truth that all emotions are created by thoughts. Then you ask yourself, “What would I be thinking if I was feeling happy? What would I be thinking if I was feeling excited?” and you kind of trace it backwards and so you think, “Okay. I don’t know.” That’s what most my students and clients will say. “I don’t really know what I’m thinking when I’m happy,” and I say, “Okay, so what do you think would make you happy?” People will always say to me, 9 times out of 10 they’ll say either, “I want to be thin,” or “If somebody gave me a million dollars right now I’d be happy.” It’s so funny. This is kind of a little side note. I used to think about when I would hear someone won the lottery or I’d read about it in the newspaper, that they won like a hundred million dollars and I used to fantasize what it would be like for that person. I’d be so happy for them. I’m like trying to imagine what they were thinking when they won that money. What would be going on in their mind that would make them happy? They don’t even have the money yet. They just found out that they won it. They literally don’t have in their possession 1 more dollar than they had the day before. In fact, they have a dollar less, probably, if they bought a lottery ticket, and yet, they are experiencing an emotion that is so different than anything they’ve probably ever experienced and the only reason why they’re experiencing that emotion is because of a thought. Now people will say, “Well in order for the emotion to be real and to truly be felt, the thing has to be true,” and I always say that’s not true though, because if somebody said to you that you won the lottery and you believed them, you would feel excited. You would feel ecstatic, probably. Now they could be lying, so it doesn’t have to be true. All that has to be true is that you believe it. If you believe a thought, it will create an emotion. When you think about that lottery winner, what do you imagine that they would be thinking when they found out they won that lottery, and that thought is what makes them happy. The money doesn’t make them happy and, in fact, the money just sits there. It doesn’t do anything, right? It’s all the ideas that are going through the person’s mind, all of the thoughts that are going through that person’s mind that are creating that happiness. When you think about for you what would make you the most happy, what do you believe would really, without a shadow of a doubt, make you so happy? Then think about what thought you’re thinking when you imagine that, when you think about it and can you identify that that thought is something you could choose to think now. If somebody wins a lottery and they start thinking, “My life is always going to be great now. I’m going to be able to do all the fun things I want to do. I’m going to be able to buy everything I have ever wanted to buy and that is going to be so amazing because I’ll never have to worry again.” If you grab a thought like, “I’ll never have to worry again,” that thought right there, if you believe that thought, you are going to feel so amazing. Like can you think that thought right now, “I never have to worry again?” and, of course, they’re thinking about money. The truth is none of us really ever have to worry. Worry is not a requirement. Worry is not even necessary in order to live an amazing life, and in fact, worry, most of the time, has nothing to offer us that’s useful because most of our worry is about nothing, is about stuff that hasn’t even happened nor will ever happen. We just spend our time spinning our wheels on it. Maybe you don’t win the lottery, but maybe you do start to adopt this idea that you don’t have to worry. Let’s say you’re able to really start believing that and thinking that because there is so much truth to that. Maybe you start to notice that you feel better, even without anything external having changed. That really is the secret to feeling happy. People will say, “Just think happy thoughts.” “Oh yeah, I’ll just think happy thoughts and then I’ll feel happy,” and it just sounds so silly, but the truth is, you can’t think happy thoughts if you don’t believe them and feel better and feel happy, but you can think happy thoughts and feel happy if you believe those thoughts. That is the secret to the universe. That is the secret to everything in your life, to feeling amazing. You have to think thoughts that are amazing-feeling thoughts and truly believe them. Every emotion that you ever experienced is because of a thought you’re thinking. Now inevitably, when I introduce this concept to my students, they always come back and say, “Well what about this?” They always have a scenario where they don’t think a feeling is caused by a thought and they’ll say, “Well what about when somebody dies?” That’s typically the example that someone presents. I say to them, “I understand that that’s a pretty intense feeling, but the feeling does not come from the person dying, the feeling comes from the thought you have about the person dying, and that’s why everybody’s death doesn’t have the same experience for every person because everyone’s thoughts about that person dying are different. For example, if someone dying caused grief, then their death would all cause us the same amount of grief, which it doesn’t, and in fact, the death itself doesn’t cause the grief because we don’t feel any grief until we think about the person dying. If we don’t know that the person has passed, then we don’t feel grief, right, because it hasn’t hit our brain yet. We haven’t had the thought about it. I know that some of you are probably thinking, “What does she mean? That’s just semantics,” but it’s everything because how you decide to think about something determines how you feel about something. How you decide to think about your spouse will determine how you feel about your spouse. You may think that your spouse determines how you feel about them, but they don’t. You’re the one in charge of how you feel about them, despite what they do or don’t do. Whatever you decide to think about them will determine how you feel about them, and that’s the same with anything that happens in your life. How you decide to think about it will determine how you feel and that’s why people of very different means and very different relationship status and very different social situations can be equally as happy because it has nothing to do with any of that. What determines your level of happiness, what determines any emotion that you’re having is how you are thinking. If you are thinking that you’re a wonderful person with a wonderful life and that you’re lucky and that you are grateful for everything that you have, you’re going to have a certain level of happiness and gratitude and appreciation in your life. You could have that exact, same life with very different thoughts about not being lucky, not getting your breaks in life, not having the people that you want in your life, and with the exact, same life, be miserable. The only thing that determines the difference there is how you decide to think. How you think is going to determine how you feel because all of your thoughts cause feelings. I know for some of you, this is repetitive, right? You’re hearing me say this many, many times, but I’m doing that on purpose because it’s not something that’s well known, and for those of you who are new to me or this podcast, I want to make sure that it’s something that is really clear by the time I’m done speaking. If you want to know why you’re feeling anything you’re feeling, all you have to do is ask yourself, “What is the thought that I’m currently having that is causing this feeling?” If you’re feeling excited, it’s because you’re having a thought that’s exciting you. If you’re feeling sad, it’s because you’re having a thought that’s creating sad for you. Ask yourself right now, “What am I feeling?” Name that feeling that you’re feeling right now, and then ask yourself, “What are the thoughts that I’m having or the thought that I’m having right now that’s creating that feeling?” I hope that you really did that because that is one of the most powerful things you can know, knowing that you can have any feeling you want if you can find a thought you believe that will create it. Any feeling that you’re having that you don’t want to be having, the good news is is that you’re the one creating it. I know that may not sound like good news, but it totally is good news because if you’re the one creating your feeling, then you’re the one that can create a different feeling. Let’s kind of back up a little bit and go back to what we were talking about in terms of happiness and saying, “I just want to be happy,” and believing that that’s something that is created, those feelings are created by what’s happening on the outside of your life, by whether you’ve made it in the way that you want, whether you own the stuff you want to own, whether you’re in the job you want to be in, and remind yourself that has nothing to do with any of that, that everything that you feel is a choice. Let me just repeat that for a minute because this can blow your mind if you allow it. Everything you feel is a choice, and I’m not suggesting that you should feel happy all the time, and in fact, most of us don’t want to feel happy all the time. We might say, “Oh I just want to be happy all the time,” but the truth is, we don’t. When someone dies, we don’t want to feel happy. When one of our friends is in pain, we don’t really want to feel happy. We want to feel sad and we want to feel grief when someone dies and we want to feel neutral sometimes and sometimes we just want to feel chill, right? We don’t always want to be happy. We don’t always want to be excited, but we get to decide. That’s a choice we get to make. It’s something that nobody decides for you and it’s not something that anyone can take away from you, is your ability to choose how you want to feel about anything. Here’s where I want you to really think about your life and one of the exercises that we do is I want you to think about the 3 feelings that you have on a regular basis. What would you say are your top, most common feelings? I’m going to put the worksheet that we use with our clients and we give to our students in the show notes so you can play around with this, but we call it the top 3 feelings. What you do is you really think about the 3 feelings that you have most often during the day. Please don’t beat yourself up if you happen to have 3 very negative feelings. It doesn’t mean anything about you or your character or anything like that, okay, so just be honest about it. Just write your top 3 feelings, then what you can explore is what are the thoughts that you’re having that are creating these top 3 feelings? If you’re the one that creates your feelings, then what are the top thoughts that you’re having, regularly, that are creating these feelings? Then the next question that you ask yourself is, “What are the 3 feelings I want to be having more regularly? What are the feelings that, if I could choose ...?” I always create this imagery. You’re at a party. It’s black tie. There’s a guy in a tuxedo. He’s walking around with a big, silver tray, and on that tray are all the emotions that are available to you, you know, the guy that’s walking around, he’s like, “Hors d’oeuvre? Hors d’oeuvre? Hors d’oeuvre?” He comes up to you and says, “Feeling?” and you get to choose from this huge tray of all the feelings available to you, what one do you want to choose, and if you could choose 3 feelings to have on a regular basis, what are you favorites, what would you choose to feel? I think, personally, one of the best feelings is to feel proud of myself and I’m not talking about the kind of pride where you think you’re better than other people. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m not talking about that kind of boastful kind of thing. I’m talking about really having the ability to overcome something and then to have your own back and be proud of yourself for it. I think that feeling is the best feeling ever. I also love feeling joyous and I love feeling excited. Those are really the feelings that I like to create as often as I can. For example, one of the ways that I feel proud is by reminding myself of my accomplishments, reminding myself of what I’m doing for my family, what I’m doing for my business, what I’m doing for my clients, what I do for my students, what I do for myself, how I take care of myself, you know, stuff that I do every day, but when I take the time to think about it on purpose, then I get to experience that feeling of being proud of myself. That’s the same with excitement, you know, excitement can be pretty elusive if it’s not some big huge event coming up that I can think about and then be excited about. If I deliberately think about things that I’m excited about and I deliberately think thoughts that create excitement for me, then I feel excited a lot more often. It’s a feeling that I create for myself. I feel that way about my goals because I set goals for myself and then I feel very excited about them because I believe that they will come true, that I will create them, that I will do the work necessary to have that result that I want. When I think about those outcomes, those results that I want, I get very excited because I believe that they will happen, and they’re big, and they’re audacious and I’m so excited because I know, on some level, that I will have them. Also, the same with happiness, like really, for me, happiness comes from knowing that that is my natural state and that it’s all of our natural state and that, really, the purpose of our lives, I believe, is to find a way to endure happiness. I just recently read the book by Gay Hendricks called The Big Leap, but one of the things he talks about in there that makes so much sense to me, is that we are evolving as humans into a whole different world, right? It used to be that we’d have to worry all the time in order to survive. We had to be on edge. We had to be stressed out, literally, or we would die, like sleeping with one eye open, having insomnia was actually a good thing. It’s something that we were kind of created and it’s to do and it helped us survive. I think all of us worriers, all of us stressed-out people are the ones that made it, but now, here we are still using those same genetic predispositions in a world where it’s completely unnecessary. One of the things that Gay talks about is that we have to evolve into being able to endure happiness, to be able to practice and stay in happiness because it’s not something that we’ve had a lot of practice doing as a species. When I know that, when I know that happiness and feeling happy is about the thoughts that I’m thinking, and then that’s really a scale that I can practice and I can literally practice being happy, practice creating those thoughts that generate happiness for myself, then I can do that in a way that serves me. Please take that time and do that exercise for yourself because there’s so much to be learned from understanding what’s going on in your mind and what you’re creating in terms of your feelings in your life, and by writing down the 3 feelings that you have most often and the thoughts that are causing them, and then writing down the 3 thoughts you want to have and exploring what thoughts you would need to believe and think in order to feel that way, you’re much closer to finding a way to feel that way than you are if you don’t pay attention to what’s going on in your mind. It’s very difficult to be happy when your mind is filled with negative clutter. That’s the assignment that I have for you and I really hope that you won’t just listen to this podcast, that you won’t just use it as entertainment or to go, “Huh, that’s kind of interesting.” I really want to challenge you to do the work that I’m asking you and to apply what I’m teaching you because if you do, you will feel the effect. You won’t just hear it, you’ll feel it in your own life and you’ll see what a game changer it is. Please do that. Make some comments in the notes underneath the show notes. Let me know what your top 3 feelings are and what you would like them to be and share any thoughts that you have about this podcast and I will respond to you personally. I look forward to seeing you there. Have a good week everybody. Bye-bye.Thank you for listening to The Life Coach School podcast. It would be incredibly awesome if you would take a moment to write a quick review on iTunes. For any questions, comments or coaching issues you’d like to hear on the show, please visit us at http://www.TheLifeCoachSchool.com.

72 Comments

  1. I want to thank you for making this podcast. I have trouble sometimes controlling my feelings and I’m looking to feel less anxious. Your podcast is my favorite one I listen to and I appreciate your work

  2. Hey Oscar,

    Thank you so much for your comment! I am looking forward to helping you manage your emotions-it’s something most of us could really benefit from doing.

    Stay tuned!

  3. BROOKE!
    Once again you rocked my face off! As I make plans to take your classes and expand our community that I have been serving for 5 years I have been listening and reading and studying and becoming truly converted to my life. THANK YOU for your inspiration, motivation and insight to this journey.
    I wanted to share my CORE DESIRE FEELINGS with you….they were just pouring out of me while listening to this today!!

    colorful || rapture || calm || moxie || flourished

    Every day I sit with intention on what thoughts will help me to accomplish these feelings and the end result will be action that will reflect these things.

    The biggest lesson that I have learned as a recovering people pleaser (loved your podcast with Andrea Owen by the way about how people pleasers are liars!) I am learning that the MORE that I am living my life for my core feelings I am able to say no to things that do not reflect those thoughts, feeling and actions.

    I am truly living the LIFE that I WANT…not what others want me to have!!!!

    I look forward to learning from you more! Thank you again!!!

    Ashley Mitchell

  4. Hey Brooke, I wanted to say hey and that I’ve really enjoyed listening to your podcast so far. I’ve listened to the first three in the last few days after finding you in the business section on itunes. I’m new to the life coaching arena, and so I appreciate that you’re starting with basics and doing the podcasts in a sequential way.
    I also wanted to give a suggestion that would help me (and probably others) better engage. You gave an assignment or exercise in the first two podcasts. I came to the show notes when I had some time to work on them and expected to have the exercise laid out. Fortunately, I was able to scan through the transcript to find the steps of the exercise but would’ve found it really helpful if the worksheet you mentioned was available or even just the exercise bulleted above along with the highlights of the show. Hope that’s helpful to you and thanks again.

    Jared

  5. Hey Jared-

    Of course! Thank you for the suggestion.

    I have my team working on this and will make sure to do this moving forward.

    Thanks so much for listening!

    Brooke

  6. Ashley,

    I am thrilled that you are liking the show so much! Thank you for sharing your core desired feelings.

    Rapture is my favorite one so far!

    Here is to living the the life we want!

    Brooke

  7. Hi Brooke,
    I started listening to your podcast yesterday and am hooked! I really want to do the work and do it correctly. I’m a little confused thought on the last question asked in this podcast. you asked us to “write down the 3 feelings that you have most often and the thoughts that are causing them, and then write down the 3 thoughts you want to have and explore what thoughts you would need to believe and think in order to feel that way.” are the thoughts we need to believe in order to feel a particular way supposed to be based on a memory of a time we felt that way? what if we have never felt that way?
    please help as like I said I really do want to do the work. I feel like your podcast is a godsend!
    Stefanie

  8. Hi Stefanie,

    Thank you for listening!

    Yes. You will need to get creative when you think of new thoughts you can think to create the feelings you want.

    Feel free to do them here and I can help you!

    Brooke

  9. Hi Brooke.
    and thanks for the quick response!!
    I think the three feelings that I want to feel the most are
    1.Loved
    2.Happy
    and
    3. peaceful
    I guess I’m having a mental block because I’ve never felt unconditionally loved. and life has been too tumultuous for me to have ever had a truly peaceful feeling either. Being happy I can relate to. I live in Puerto rico. we don’t have “winter” here like in other places. one year a friend of mine in Arizona sent me a bag of pinecones that are cinnamon scented. I loved them so much! I was happy someone cared about me enough to find something they knew I wanted and ship it all the way here to Puerto rico just for me. so that’s what I draw on for my happy thought.
    Im just lost on the other two feelings
    Help!!

  10. Stefanie-

    The issue you are having is in believing that what happens in your life or with other people is what gives you happiness. What gives you the feelings you want are your thoughts and the way you choose to think about your life.

    What can you think about that brings your a feeling of love. Now, remember the feeling of love can come from YOU-it doesn’t come from another person.

    Are you loving yourself? That is the question.

    Brooke

  11. I’m going to meditate on that for the rest of the week. I think you’ve touched on something very deep.

    Stefanie

  12. I loved this podcast. I’ve been putting it into practice for this past week or so and I can honestly see my thoughts creating my feelings. However, yesterday I started feeling like I was manipulating my feelings. I got scared that I was only feeling this way about a certain situation or person because I’d decided that I would feel that particular way and I chose to meditate on certain thoughts. Is this what being in control of my feelings is about?

    So happy I found your podcast!

  13. Hey Nik-

    Such a great question!

    The truth is we are always creating our feelings. It’s just that usually we are doing it unconsciously.

    Now, you are aware of it. You get to choose what you feel and that is a wonderful thing.

    I love that you are loving the podcast!

    Brooke

  14. It is refreshing to hear the truth in your podcasts. I am still very much stuck in the lesson that we control our thoughts, which then control our feelings, etc. I almost always feel guilty and like a failure, so much so I’m not sure I would know how to feel anything else. So I’ve identified the feelings of guilt and failure, but I’m not clear on understanding the thoughts that cause these feelings. How do you find the thought causing the feeling and then what do you do with the thought to change the feeling? Could you walk through an example with me. EX: I feel guilty for not spending time with my little kids all of the time. Because I feel guilty I then feel like a failure as a mom. I just can’t identify a thought that would drive this feeling and even if I did I’m not sure I would know how to change it. Any helpful tip is appreciated.

  15. Hi Jen-

    Thank you for posting your question here.

    The thoughts you are looking for are posted above.

    Thought: I don’t spend enough time with my little kids.
    Feeling: Guilty

    Thought: I am a failure as a mother
    Feeling: Shame

    Remember that feelings are just one word. I feel sad, glad, mad, guilty, shame, love, happy etc.
    Thoughts are one sentence: I am a failure as a mother.

    So the thoughts cause the feeling.

    When you think about yourself in this way, you feel negative emotion.

    You are attributing your thoughts to your feelings, but it is really the other way around.

    If you think kinder thoughts about yourself, then you will feel better.

    So here are some to consider:

    (All thoughts need to be believable to create positive emotion.)

    I love my children.
    I spend time with my children.
    I am a mother.

    You have to decide what you want your brain to focus on.

    Does this make sense?

    Brooke

  16. I really enjoy listening to this podcast! I normally dread my long commute but I’ve recently found myself looking forward to getting into the car so I can listen to your advice. I really respect your outlook and perspective, it’s helping me on my spiritual journey. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences!

  17. Hi Dana,

    Thank you so much for taking the time and letting me know.

    It’s means a lot to me that you are enjoying the podcast.

    Brooke

  18. Thanks Brooke for this wonderful podcast. I have read and studied a couple of your books. I think this particular podcast gets down to the nitty gritty of what’s going on in my mind…therefore my feelings. I’ve been really struggling with overeating this last few days…it seems I set the goal and then all hell breaks lose to stop it…I’m going to seek out these thoughts and give them the boot…

    Thanks…now for some thinking.

    Linda

  19. Hi Linda,

    So glad the podcast helps. I find that with overeating, the main ingredient must be compassion. It is so easy to get down on ourselves and that only leads to more disconnection.

    Brooke

  20. Hi Brooke,
    Thanks so much for the podcasts!! I am powering through them and loving your insights!! I understand the concept that I am in control of how I feel through my thoughts, but one thing I have been wondering is this: if one finds themselves in a sticky situation (like feeling frustrated that your employers are taking advantage of you), wouldn’t changing my thoughts to feel OK about the situation simply avoid the problem? I want to change my thoughts so that I feel happiness/contentment regardless of my situation, but then the situation may never change. Is this making any sense? I hope it does because I would love some clarification on this – it is something I have been struggling with for a few weeks now! Thank you for your time 🙂

  21. Hi Erin-

    This is a fantastic question. And the answer is no.

    When we can find ourselves in a place of control and power and positive emotion, we can make our very best decisions.

    The idea that we have to be in a negative place to make change is not true. We can choose to leave a job from a place of peace, knowing that we are in control of how we feel. And we can make a choice to stay. No one can take advantage of us without our permission, so when we can see that we can make appropriate boundaries and communicate more effectively without having to leave situations where we have previously felt out of control.

    Situations don’t change. We do. And when we are clear and at peace, we can decide what is best for us.

    Brooke

  22. Brooke – thank you for your insightful podcasts, like you often suggest many of your messages have “blown my mind”! And I love the visual that an unsupervised mind is like a child running around with scissors – just hearing you say that our minds like to go into that state helps me deal with it and realize that everyone else’s mind is doing that too! I have been doing work to identify my thoughts and be the observer of the “monkey mind” but you took it to another level for me when I realize that even my worst most depressing feelings/ emotions are too just triggered by a thought. For some reason I liked to think that the “really bad” feelings were triggered by more than thoughts?
    The podcast about happiness and success and not tying that to thinness is also CRAZY! I never thought that I tied all of that together but I totally did, you said Happy and I thought Thin immediately…. I am working on that one, because at the end of the day….when all is said and done no one is going to stand up and say, “Amy really made an impact on my life because she was thin” but yet, so many of us run around with that as our goal when it does not matter at all.

    Thank you for your work, I am grateful to have found you 😉
    Amy

  23. Hi there. I’ve listened to the first two episodes and have been blown away. They were extraordinarily powerful in their simplicity and clarity. Not necessarily things I have not heard, but not put together quite so logically and clearly. I’ve been drawn to coach training before and ultimately didn’t really enjoy it. The program I participated in is a good one that produces a lot of coaches but I didn’t really genuinely feel the click and finished it feeling disillusioned. I love what I’ve heard so far from you and from what I’ve read on your sites. Will work my way through the podcasts and really do the work before jumping into training. Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle & Abraham are among the kinds of teachers that really resonate with me. Hearing you mention them sparked a sense of connection.

    I look forward to following your teaching in the coming weeks and seeing where it takes me. I appreciate that the Universe put you in my path.

  24. Thanks Brooke,

    I”m not giving up on coaching, but, I thinks its really important for me to slow down and do the work on myself. So far your work is hitting home with me in a deep way. I really, really want to take my time and dive deep in 2015. Now, having said that, what would you suggest as a method to follow for a year long course of self discovery using the Model and the other aspects of your work?

    I’m a reader, but I tend to read fast and historically have not reflected as much as I could have to really get the full benefit from folks like Byron Katie and Tolle. I’m working through your podcasts slowly, listening to them a couple of times, reading the transcripts (thank you So So much for transcripts) and doing the work you suggest.

    Any suggestions for putting together a roadmap through your work? I see tremendous possibility for making life changing steps forward, but I want to approach it in a way that is comprehensive, deep and sustainable.

    I’m thinking it will include books (yours included), your podcasts, journaling and maybe courses of yours that you recommend.

    Thanks for listening and I welcome your thoughts.

    Wesley

  25. Hey Brooke,

    Another inspiring episode. I thought this statement was exceptionally powerful:

    “If you’re willing to feel any emotion and you really get good at feeling your emotions, then you can go into any situation with very little fear because there is no feeling that you’re unwilling to feel and you also know how to create positive emotion and therefore feel positive emotion whenever you want.”

    That is a very interesting and empowering way to look at things. I think being comfortable with any and all emotions can be a difficult thing to achieve, but with practice, determination and the knowledge that you can create positive emotions whenever you want it is possible and an extremely useful tool. Just knowing that it is possible opens up so many doors.

    The power of our thinking is truly a fascinating topic, and you present it in such a relatable and beautiful way. You really have quite a gift.

    The 3 Feelings I would like to feel (and usually do) daily :

    Proud:

    I like what you said about feeling proud of yourself for overcoming something and all your accomplishments. I want to experience that sense of pride daily because of all the good I did that day. I want to be of service to others, and feel proud for making someone’s day better or easier. I was to be proud that I am living out God’s will for me.

    Grateful:
    I want to feel overwhelmed with gratefulness for all the blessings I am so fortunate to have in my life. I want my heart to be filled with appreciation and show that in my actions and the way I live my life.

    Happy/silly:

    I usually spend a good majority of my day being happy. I enjoy my life, the people in my life, my hobbies, my work and my faith a lot. I am a very playful and goofy person, so I spend a lot of time just being in a silly-goofy mood, which I guess is a sub-category of happy. I don’t like to take life too seriously. I love to laugh, and just enjoy myself.

    Thanks again for an awesome podcast and giving me a lot to think about!

    Colleen

  26. I’ve listened to episodes one and two–twice. I resisted a bit at first, very stubborn I am. But I sank deep into the lessons here and discovered some SHIT!

    The naming of the emotions is hard. Many of the emotions on the list didn’t quite feel right to me, and I think that is partially because I don’t spend much time thinking about what my feelings are, just that my feelings suck.

    Here was a bit of my thought process. I was like, is “blah” a feeling? Ok, so “loser” is a noun, but is “losering” a feeling? Or, what about pitiful? I don’t feel like I deserve pity so much as I feel pitiful.

    Here is what I came up with for the feelings I feel most:

    Blah
    Detached
    Miserable, which I think, is related to the word miserly, which is another emotion I feel
    Worthlessness
    Irritated
    Generalized, low-grade anxiety
    Immobile

    Here is what I want to feel, I think. (Again, this took me a while to parse out. I have tried to be purposefully vague about the goal feelings because I begin the process of self-discovery from a place of disappointment, so my reasoning has suggested it’s not worth it to be specific, you’ll fail anyway.)

    Enthusiasm. (I feel so much shame about this one. I’m an enthusiasm policer.)
    Loved/loving. Yep, this is a tough one. I am highly uncomfortable feeling love. I recoil from it and repel it.
    Abundance. I can intellectualize this one, but can’t feel it. So, that’s a start at least.

    I’m excited to keep moving through the podcasts. Thank you for making them.

    1. Hi Cherri,

      This is such a great exercise for you to have done. Your awareness allows you to you get know yourself better and that is the goal of all of our work.

      Keep moving though the work!

      Brooke

  27. I am so thrilled! Your message resonates loud and clear for me! Having some productive AH moments for myself. Thank you so much!!!

    Defeated is the emotion I allow myself to have way too often. I work really really hard at making the best of every situation, I am usually the cheerleader, the problem solver or the peace maker. What I am realizing is that I am not truly changing my thoughts, while I must be on some level (other wise I would NOT be where I am today) but in the quiet of my own heart I am still believing that I am defeated even though that is not the truth, I am actually strong and have overcome so much. I need to give myself permission ( this is the practice I need) to feel the joy of accomplishment and the peace regardless of the circumstances.

    Okay, printed the worksheets….I have work to do 🙂

    Thank you again,

    Kari

  28. Hi Brooke,
    I just love to listen to your podcast. It gives me tremendous amount of positive energy. I got a doubt. Of the 3 major emotions I feel in a day, one is anger which I am trying to work on but it’s been almost 15 days I have been trying and trying to feel the anger. But at the time of situation, before I could feel it, I have already reacted to it. So the harm is already done. How do I work on this? Please guide. Looking forward to your reply

  29. Before finding your podcast a few weeks (or has it already been a month) ago, I was feeling:
    Heartbroken
    Alone
    Worthless

    Now, as I finally sit down to do this exercise I can say that my top 3 daily feelings are:
    Cheerful
    Determined
    Overwhelmed

    I’m overwhelmed because I am a single mom. I have so much I want to do. I am cheerful because I’ve learned how to start paying attention to the thoughts that were making me feel heartbroken, alone and worthless. I can say I don’t feel that way anymore!

    I am feeling determined to start my own coaching business. I am just starting to write down my goals and listen to your other podcast.

    I think having these 3 feelings means I’m on the right track.

    My top 3 feelings would be:
    Proud
    Fired up
    Overjoyed

    I believe that if I lived from these 3 feelings that I would be able to achieve any goal I set for myself!

    Thank you Brooke. You have already changed my life.

    Beki

  30. Dear Brooke

    I have been surching for sometime now for someone or something to help me and I feel that I have found the jackpot. I googled for life coaches and it led me to you then found the podcast. I’m so excited to start doing the work you provide but I am especially feeling grateful that you are giving this to the general public who can not attend and or afford your classes or coaches. I’m so grateful that you are finding a place in your heart to share this with the world. I will make sure my children receive this training at one point in their lives as everyone should be thought these things. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. I’m looking forward to doing all of the work and listening to all of the podcast.
    Thank you, God bless you.

    Louise Villeneuce
    Rockland, Ontario , Canada

  31. Dear Brooke,

    You are one of my go to dare I say it…..yes…….hero’s. I listen to your podcasts when I am in my car, and I am enjoying both of your podcasts ie The Life Coach School and How to Be A Life Coach. I am British but I live in South Africa. I use your CTFAR model when I am running my weightloss/nutrition groups it is the first thing I teach them. In fact one of my clients used it when she had a situation at work between two employees and they sorted the problem out quickly by using this…………….mindblowing stuff. I am being taught some coaching skills through the zest4life programme that I am running for Patrick Holford however my interest has been spiked into possibly doing a lifecoach course for a certification. So I live too far away right now to be able to come to your classes so I was wondering do you know of a particular long distance Life Coaching certification that you would recommend. If anyone is reading this you have to hook into everything that Brooke teaches as it is the bomb, and it is so real. I look forward to hearing from you, and your contribution out there is helping many people in a huge way, you are an amazing powerhouse of a woman.

  32. This is very interesting it seems like something that I’m looking for you’re helping me understand my feelings and how that work. I feel so lost and unhappy most of the days and I no like you say I just want to be happy but I can always be happy and I understand that but I feel no happiness at all with anything I do especially now after my bariatric surgery. I’m on medication and I thought that would make it better but it seems to just kind of makes me numb. even with losing the way I thought I would be happier and I’m still not. I’m going to try your exercise and see how it works thank you it was something I needed to hear today.

  33. Brooke,

    I’m sure you hear this a lot, but I must also say it. THANK YOU. Thank you for taking the time to add so much value for free to anyone whose willing to take the time with your material. I’ve been jumping around listening to your podcast’s while driving or walking- then I listen again sitting down with my computer and take my own notes. The information you share concerning being a coach is enriching my life and my coaching practice as I branch off and start my own. Many of these CBT/thought concepts are not new to me as I have been working with youth in mental health for almost 6 years. However, the way you present them is beautiful, enchanting, clear and motivating. Thank you.

  34. After listening to the podcast for months I’ve decided to listen to it from the beginning!

    The three feelings I feel most often:
    Happy / Loving (giving love)
    Motivated / (a little bit of Shiny Object Syndrome too)
    Fearful / Anxious regarding people leaving feedback on my products / Overwhelmed at doing the work

    The three feelings I want to feel most often
    Happy / Loving (giving love)
    Excited (for new opportunities) + Accomplished (what I’ve already achieved)
    Loved (receiving love)
    Bonus #4 In control

  35. Hi Brooke,

    Firstly, thank you for this extraordinary resource! Listening to your lessons have been life changing for me. Thank you. Needless to say, I was doing this exercise for the first time a few minutes ago. A main problem of mine is that I am too self-critical which makes me feel worthless and guilty for my actions or inaction. While I was doing this exercise I even caught myself criticizing what I was writing! Despite the moments of pain that I felt while answering the exercise questions, I actually discovered something beautiful as well while answering the last question about what I would need to do in order to change these feelings that I feel most often. I realized that “I need to give myself far more credit than that I do. I need to love myself as if I am my own child.” I guess in my mind I need to love myself like I would love a child/my (future) child. I need to be patient with myself and not expect perfection, I need to forgive myself, I need to praise myself, I need to be excited about the future. I would never expect perfection from a child, I would never not forgive a child for a mistake that they had made. I would never not feel hope for a child’s future. I discovered that if I am capable and enthusiastically feeling these things for a child then there’s no reason why I can’t or shouldn’t feel them for my own self.

    Thank you again helping me get to this special reflection. I look forward to learning more.

    Katherine

  36. Hi Brooke,

    Hard to look at yourself and why I do what I do or don’t!
    3 dominate thoughts
    Threatened / negative emotion blocking me professionally.
    Frustrated / ” ”
    Content / personally with most of my private life
    3 desired
    Capable
    Peaceful
    Content

    Week two and its hard to focus and really think about whats happening.

    Thank you.

  37. Hi there,
    Your podcasts are amazing and life-changing, Brooke. I was considering doing the “How to feel better” course, that I noticed here on your site but now that I’ve decided to go for it- I can’t find it again. Can you please help me with that? Thank you!
    Lara

  38. I am re listening to your pod casts. I listened to the first batch then somehow lost touch with them. I absolutely connect with your messages. I am so grateful your page or whatever it was came across my computer. a couple of years ago. Thank you.
    My top three feeling are: 1. Anxiousness/fear: I am anxious about too much. Right now, I am mostly anxious because my now manipulative ex fiancé cheated on me with plenty of women but mostly a much older lady with a lot of money. A few of the dates they brought along his then 20 year old daughter. The whole situation disgusts me and I can’t stand they are gallivanting around like that’s the norm. It gets easier each day, but I have to remember the tools I have learned to rewire my brain of what I let him make me believe about myself. Oooooo, sorry, didn’t realize that was all going to come out.
    2. Unconfident/ not enough: Even though, I have always been told that I am smart, some how I don’t feel I can make my dream of having a in-person and an online health coach program come true. I went to school and learned what I needed to know and got high grades and researched even more.
    3. Disappointment: How did I get this far in life and not have a career, love, or home I adore. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for all I do have.
    I hope this makes sense. :))
    Love to you.

    1. Hi Lynne,

      Thank you so much for sharing and for being so open with what you’re currently dealing with. Glad to hear you have found some comfort and insight with Brooke’s work.

      Carina

  39. I was a bit skeptical when my friend recommended your podcast to me. Life Coach School…did I really need a life coach? Although many of the concepts you’ve laid out so far are familiar to me, it turns out that they are an entirely new thing to put into practice. I really loved the way you illustrated our thought process in the first episode, how our brain loves patterns…somehow it allows me to look at my thoughts with less judgement and more objectively. I also appreciate your emphasis on showing curiosity and compassion when looking at our thoughts and finding unattractive stuff. What helps me cultivate compassion for myself in an authentic way is imagining myself as a little girl…how would I talk to, treat this little girl if I saw she made a mistake, felt sad or angry etc.? This practice seems to soften my heart and make room for self compassion. I feel grateful that I gave your podcast a chance and to you for sharing your inspiration, knowledge and faith that we all have the power within ourselves to change. Two episodes in and I’m hooked–thank you!
    xox,
    Joey

  40. Hi Brooke, this is an old post but I have just started your podcast series so I hope you will still see this question.

    Briefly, how do you find the balance between living every moment of your life with gratitude through enduring happiness, while also doing the hard and gritty work of working toward your goals? For me, it is often the discontent and the tension between where I am and where I want to be that drives change. When I spend too much time thinking about where I want to be I start to feel discontent and frustrated with my current circumstances, yet when I try to be thankful and content with all the wonderful things there are to be thankful for I feel like I’m not working hard enough at enacting the change I want… and this cycle continues.

    So to state my question as more of an exaggeration: Why work to change our situation at all if all we need to do is change the way we think about it and supervise our thoughts? Theoretically, I should be just as happy as a janitor as I would be as an entrepreneur if I follow these principles. As you said, one life could be experienced as miserable for one yet happy and wonderful as another.

    How have you wrestled with this in your own life? How do you coach people through this tension? Thanks so much!

    1. Great questions, Lance. I’ve passed them along to Brooke and she may answer them in a future Questions and Answers episode. In the meantime, you can access her How to Feel Better program for free when you join the Self Coaching Scholars program. You can get more information here: http://bit.ly/2qe1DPT

      Carina

  41. I appreciated these two podcasts a lot. Since listening yesterday, I have already begun to apply these tips and have found much more “happiness,” less stress and feeling of more relaxation and safety today as a result.
    I do have a question for you though, and I really hope that I don’t come across as sounding snarky, because I am actually, genuinely curious about the answer to this. My question is this:

    How does chemical depression or other mental illnesses play into this idea that we have control over ALL of our feelings and that they ALL come from our thoughts? Not only that, but hormonal imbalances like PMDD and situations like that where your mind is almost hi-jacked and emotions and feelings come unbidden or do not come when bidden.

    I have had severe clinical depression in my life and also hormone imbalances that will change drastically within a minute which changes my feelings with it. I could be thinking how grateful I am for a gift someone brought me and the next second my emotions have been taken over to such a negative place that the next second my thought is surprisingly that I actually “hate” that person. Of course, since it is such a sudden and drastic change in my emotions and thoughts, I will catch myself, realize that it isn’t truly what I believe, but it is a hormone rush of some kind and that within 30 more seconds, I will have a physical manifestation of that hormone change.

    But, those ARE “feelings”. How do you differentiate between the two kinds of emotions and feelings? Do you really believe that we can think are way out of physically and chemically prompted “feelings” when our brain chemistry and hormones are skewed?

    (Also, just one more thing about the idea of all of our feelings are controlled by our thoughts. What about physical pain or illness. Is that not a “feeling”? Yet it comes from external factors unrelated to our thoughts. Like being burned for instance or experiencing extreme nausea. I am assuming that you would categorize this as an external situation and not our actual emotions, though we do still call it how we “feel”).

    1. Thank you for your questions, Bethany. I’ve passed them on to Brooke and she may address this in a future Questions and Answers episode. Stay tuned!

      Carina

  42. Really struggling with this as I lost my job last week. I am fearful about finding another one that pays enough to live on and I feel terrible about the circumstances of my departure from the old one. In my mind I know I am ok, but I can’t seem to shake the fear, dread and disappointment.

  43. Hey Brooke,
    I completed the worksheet that goes along with this podcast. Here’s what I came up with (a non-exhaustive list, but still useful):

    On a daily basis what are your three most common feelings?
    1) Misplaced
    2) Unworthy
    3) Overwhelmed

    What would you like your top three feelings to be?
    1) Proud
    2) Relieved
    3) Powerful/Sure

  44. Hi Brooke,
    I’m a BIG fan of your fantastic podcast and firstly just want to thank you for giving us so much content, advice and guidance FOR FREE. You are putting a LOT of goodness and positvity out there for us to grab a hold of, learn from and run with. THANK YOU.
    I have listened to 176 of your podcasts and am now re-listening to all of them (while I wait for the new podcast every week) and I had a question in podcast 2. So I listed my 3 top feelings (they weren’t great!) but I got stuck on one. I couldn’t work out what was the thought behind it. It felt like a feeling without a thought – not possible, right? So I wanted to ask.
    My number one top feeling was TIRED. I am tired all the time. Exhausted, weary and just plain ol’ tired. But that feeling comes from a physical sensation. How my body feels when I wake up and go throughout the day. What thought could be bringing this feeling into fruition. I literally cannot think of anything – not even a hint of a possibility. I have sat with this for three days to see if something would come to the fore but nothing so far. Any help would be greatfully received.
    Thanks Brooke.
    Liisa – an Australian fan living in England

    1. Hi Liisa, Glad you found Brooke’s podcast and are enjoying it! Great question! Something to consider: sometimes the thought is just, “I’m tired.” Brooke may address this in an upcoming Questions & Answers podcast. Stay tuned! –Rebekah

  45. Dear Brooke,

    I am so happy I found you. I think i will be able to do the things i want to do and not do the things i don’t want to do now! I feel happier already.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

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