Ep #150: Lessons Learned – The Proposal
Posted on January 26, 2017
Welcome to the 150th episode of The Life Coach School!
Today, I have a special treat for you…
Not too long ago, I received an email from one of my listeners, Jake, telling me about how he and his girlfriend, Whitney, listen to the podcast together and apply everything that they’ve learned. He shared how they were falling in love and developing their relationship while listening to this show and discussing it together.
I think so many of us in our relationships don’t talk about deep subjects – what it’s like to feel our emotions and what’s really going on in our minds. And I think it’s absolutely beautiful and rare to find a couple like Jake and Whitney.
In his email, Jake said he wanted to propose to Whitney and asked for my help. Of course, I agreed right away.
So this episode is the result of our plan to help Jake propose.
I’m not going to tell you much more; you’re just going to have to listen in to find out how it all went down…
Grab your copy of our new Wisdom From The Life Coach School Podcast book. It covers a decade worth of research, on life-changing topics from the podcast, distilled into only 200 pages. It’s the truest shortcut to self-development we have ever created!
What you will discover
- The story of how Jake reached out to me for help with his proposal to Whitney.
- How they met and became romantically involved.
- The impact The Life Coach School podcast had on their lives and relationship.
- And you’ll have to listen in for the rest!
Featured on the show
Welcome to The Life Coach School podcast, where it's all about real clients, real problems, and real coaching. And now, your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
150. What? Pavel, we've done 150 episodes. We are amazing! I'm so proud of us. I'm so excited, you guys. I cannot believe it. This is such a defining moment and I have the most amazing episode for you.
So, let me tell you. We got this email from Jake, one of my listeners, and he was telling me all about how he and his girlfriend, Whitney, listen to the podcast together. They just started dating, a couple of months before, and they lived about an hour away, I think it was, from each other. And he was telling me they would listen to the podcast and talk about it together and then sometimes, what they would do because they lived so far away from each other, they would listen to the podcast on the drive to each other. And then they would discuss. They were applying everything that they had learned and they loved it and I was so thrilled for them because I just felt like, “gosh, what an amazing thing to be able to share.”
You know, so many of us in our relationships don't talk about deep things. We don't talk about what it's like to feel our emotions. We don't talk about what it's like in our brains. It's usually very frightening in there, right?
So, they were really, kind of, falling in love and developing this relationship while they were listening to the podcast and discussing it together. And they both loved the podcast so much and Jake sent me an email and it told me that he wanted to propose to Whitney and he wanted me to help him. I immediately said yes and I said, “Let's do it! This sounds great.”
And so, our plan became we were going to record a podcast together and he was going to turn it on in the car as if it were a podcast that he was just turning on to listen. Oh, you know, Brooke recorded a new podcast, here it is. So, he and I got on the phone and recorded this entire podcast about her, talking about her, and then at the end of the podcast he ... He doesn't propose on the podcast. Basically, we stopped the podcast and he stops the podcast and proposes to her on the beach. She says yes. I'm dying!
I ask him to ask her, hey, can we put this on an episode because I think people will love it and love your story and love that you are getting married and that you shared the podcast and that it's so important to you. And I kind of feel like, you know, it's kind of this magical thing. And it being the 150th episode…
What's so interesting is we recorded this months ago and I just said I'm going to pick some episode in the future. You know, because in the beginning I say ... I do my regular intros so I needed to pick an episode and it just so turned out that it was perfect that is was 150 because what a beautiful way to celebrate my 150th episode.
So, we're going to jump in to the episode. You'll see that it's all enacted. So Whitney will be totally surprised at the end. And Jake sent me a picture. It's amazing! He sent me a picture of them on the beach and him proposing to her. So, if you want to see that, you can check that out in the show notes at thelifecoachschool.com/150.
And I just want to say congratulations to you Jake and congratulations to you Whitney. I'm so happy for you and I know you're going to have the most amazing marriage and life together.
So, everyone else, enjoy!
Hello, hello my friends. Today I have a very, very special episode for you. I have decided to bring on one of my listeners who has been dedicated to the show, who has listened to the show and applied it to their life. I thought you guys might be interested to see a person who has really embraced the idea of not buffering and someone who's willing to feel the feelings and face those feelings in order to kind of move beyond and push themselves and do a life that's more physically and emotionally healthy.
And what I've done, it's kind of an interesting perspective, is I've brought on one of my listeners who has applied this work but has also done it with their partner. And he's gonna share their experience, and especially her accomplishment, in doing this. So, I would really like you guys to be awesome and I want you to all stand up and do a round of applause for my special guest, Jake Frail.
Brooke Castillo: Hello, Jake! How are you?
Jake Frail: Wow! I'm great. How are you doing, Brooke?
Brooke Castillo: I'm doing great. I'm so happy to have you on the show and you're going to talk about someone very special to you, yes?
Jake Frail: Yes. I would like to talk about Whitney Jokel.
Brooke Castillo: All right. So, you want to tell us a little bit about her and your relationship with her?
Jake Frail: Yeah. We started dating a few months back - a little over four months ago. And we have just had a very strong connection ever since then. Fell in love very fast and have just kind of been realizing that both of us were coming out of positions where we had been putting in a lot of work to better ourselves, not even realizing that we were kind of doing it for each other before we had even met.
Brooke Castillo: That is awesome! So how did you guys start listening to the show? You listen to it together, right?
Jake Frail: Sometimes together, but often times we listen to it separate and then talk about it.
Whitney's been listening to you for quite a bit longer than I have. She's been battling through trying to, more traditionally of your listeners trying to get ... Stop drinking alcohol and then reducing her sugar intake and all that stuff. She kind of came across your podcast for some inspiration. Then she shared them with me as I came into her life and I started listening to them as well.
But the cool part is that we live about an hour apart. So, driving back and forth to see each other. All the time I'll get a text, “oh, Brooke did it again. She's got another great one. You've got to listen on the way.” And I'm like, “okay, I'll check it out.” And so I would listen on my way to her and then when we're together we'd go for a walk or whatever and just unpack what both of us thought and what we learned and what you shared. We've both honestly been so inspired by you.
Brooke Castillo: Okay, so I have to tell you, this is so amazing! And I'm actually quite jealous because my husband doesn't even listen to my own podcast. So, when I heard this story, I was like, “what an amazing situation for you to be able to kind of learn this stuff together and talk about it and then to see it come alive in your relationship.” I'm wondering, is this one of the things ... Well, tell me, what drew you to her initially? Is this part of her draw?
Jake Frail: Of course, initially, I know you haven't seen her but she is beautiful. Absolutely, just physically attractive. I try to be deeper than that in general, but I would be absolutely lying if I said that wasn't a huge part of it.
Brooke Castillo: I love it. I love that when you look at her she's beautiful to you. And of course, you know, yeah. That's awesome. I love that. And all of us women, we love to know that our honey's think we're beautiful. So that's fantastic.
Jake Frail: Good, good. Yeah but on a much deeper level I guess, what really drew me to her, is that I noticed I was different around her. I've been coming through some stuff of my own and I just found my light back on again when I was with her. And it wasn't just ... Of course you're having fun when you're falling in love with someone but also she really holds me accountable, I guess. Because she's been doing so much work and she wants to protect that, there's a pretty strict screening process for who's going to be allowed into her life.
Brooke Castillo: I love that. That's brilliant.
Jake Frail: So, as I felt that accountability, it felt so good to me. It felt like I was just allowed to be as good as I could be without having to hold any of that back. And she won't let me get away with any smooth talk, you know. If I say something to you like, “oh, this is the best relationship I've ever had,” she says “what makes you think that? How do you know?” She'll always ask me.
Brooke Castillo: Oh, I love it.
Jake Frail: Yeah. I've got to back it up and it often causes me to do a little deeper reflection.
Brooke Castillo: It's so fantastic for your relationship, right? Because I think so much of what we learn about relationships is pre-scripted. I always say this about my husband, Chris. I always say when I first met him we all knew what we were supposed to say but we never questioned it any deeper than that. Right? And so, I love that…
Jake Frail: Absolutely.
Brooke Castillo: You're doing that. That's fantastic!
Jake Frail: Yeah, yeah. It's great. One of the things I noticed about Whitney right away was that she is intent on living her life intentionally and she puts a really high value on her time and her thoughts. And I found all of that extremely sexy, to be honest. It was very, very attractive to me.
But the funny part was that I had only known her for a week and she just straight up asked me what are your intentions in this relationship? I almost laughed, you know? I was like, “man, that she would have the expectation that anyone would know that already at that time.” But at the same time, I did know and so it was pretty exciting and I was so grateful to have the opportunity to just tell her right then that what I was looking for was a life long teammate. And my hopes were that I had just found her. So, that really kind of set us off on that path right from the very beginning.
Brooke Castillo: And was that her intention in the beginning?
Jake Frail: Oh yeah. She feels that Facebook is taking up too much of her time. It is deleted from her phone. Even when we very first met, it was on online dating that connected us to begin with. And she'd only been on there for a day and I think within three she had deleted that from her phone because she didn't like how it fit into her life.
Brooke Castillo: Wow!
Jake Frail: She's just so protective of the progress that she's made but at the same time, it's not threatening. It's very, very attractive to see someone who values the work they've put in to that extent. I don't know. It lets you get to know them so quickly to be around someone that's so authentic, I guess.
Brooke Castillo: You know what I love about that so much? I think our self care and our self development and our self evolvement is the most valuable thing we have. So, the fact that she knows that and is protecting it and taking care of it, I think is amazing. And the fact that you recognized that is even more astounding. Because you are a dude.
Jake Frail: Well, thank you. You don't ... It's so rare. You don't see that. It was so ... Recognizing it, I was like, this is amazing! This girl is incredible. I've never seen anything like this before.
Brooke Castillo: Okay. So, you guys haven't been dating for very long. Has Whitney met your family and your friends and everyone? How does everyone get along?
Jake Frail: Well, she has met my friends that are in Texas. I'm originally from California. So, we will be heading back there to meet my family before too long but I have a daughter who lives with me part time here in Texas. They have met. When they met, it was so crazy because Paige has these hand signals for me ... My daughter is Paige. And so she's sitting in the back of the car and we're going to pick Whitney up, and she's got one hand signal she's gonna touch her hair if she thinks that she's pretty and she's gonna nod her head if she thinks that she's cool when she gets in the car. So, that was awesome.
Brooke Castillo: That's awesome. How old is Paige?
Jake Frail: She's 11.
Brooke Castillo: Okay, perfect.
Jake Frail: And I'm like, all right, that sounds great. She's not even in the car yet and she's just walking towards the car and Paige saw her and all of a sudden she's waving her head back and forth like she's listening to rock music. And rubbing her hair.
Brooke Castillo: Aww, so cute.
Jake Frail: Yeah. And so, I think that Paige is absolutely in love with Whitney as well. She's always showing her picture to her friends and her friends parents and telling them that her dad has an awesome girlfriend. And all this stuff. But one of the coolest things was that, one time when Whitney was over, she suggested that we make vision boards, the three of us. And so we all did that. And you never know with an 11 year old. She could, on certain days, think that was just ... Give that an eye roll and ...
Brooke Castillo: Right, right. No, I have teenagers. I understand.
Jake Frail: Yeah. But, she really, she really got into it. And so much, at the time, she was just trying to cut out pictures and stuff but the cool thing is I still catch her looking at the vision board now. It's still in the house and I really like that. I've always tried to have very strong female role models in Paige's life in general and Whitney is physically strong and she's willing to sacrifice her comfort to increase her health. She's got mental toughness. The cravings that she's overcome in the past year plus are mind blowing to me. The strength and courage that that took. She loves adventure and seeks out the Lord and his path in her life. Just all these features that I'm so excited that Paige has an example of that in her life. And to have that on a daily basis, man, it's just such a treat for me as her dad.
Brooke Castillo: Yeah. Whitney sounds like such an exceptional woman. What do you think makes her so strong?
Jake Frail: Well, there are a number of things. There's a lot of normal stuff that she ... If somebody were to ask me that question and I can say she's battling through her sobriety, she's battling through dependence of sugar. She's really putting herself out there to try to figure out what that stuff is covering up in her life, like you talk about so much…and take that and heal that and have a chance to move forward. And all of that, of course, takes up a tremendous amount of strength. But the part that blows me away, almost emotionally sometimes, is that I live in a small town right now. A smallish town we'll say and it's not really my choice on what I would seek out but, at the moment, it's the way that it is. And Whitney grew up in a small town and escaped it. Somehow she had that inside of her - that drive to just look for something bigger. To go out and live in Chicago and Austin and Houston and start businesses and get accepted into these exclusive cliques of people. And plant a church. The sorts of things that you kind of associate with someone who knows that they're destined for something greater- that's got this big idea. I have to ask her, not to put any of that on hold, but we're going to pursue that together, ferociously. But it's gonna have to be from the place that I'm kind of tied to living right now because of Paige.
Brooke Castillo: Mm-hmm.
Jake Frail: And so, she is trusting me and I know how scary that is for her. How claustrophobic it feels to go back into that place after coming so far. And like we've already talked about, someone who's so protective of her progress that she's made in her life, and that ... It means so much to me. There's nothing that could probably cause me to feel more loved than the fact that she is willing to trust me to not get stuck there, to not get comfortable in this place.
Brooke Castillo: Huge.
Jake Frail: Yeah, exactly.
Brooke Castillo: Especially, you know, you have a woman that's very strong, very independent, very capable. I think, and we talk about this all the time, my husband and I, in our relationship, just being in the space where you can be your own person but really have someone else's back and really be committed to that person and their happiness and know that you can trust each other. I think that is very rare. Right? And the fact that you guys talk about this in a way that's really open and honest and, I have to say for you to acknowledge the choice that she's making and what she's choosing to do and really recognize that and appreciate that, is ... It makes her choice to do that so much more powerful, right? I mean, it just sounds like you guys are in such an amazing space. And I do think that having this experience and listening to the podcast together, I think will just continue to create that bond ongoing. So, hopefully, Whitney will get a chance to hear this and is there anything you want to say on the podcast? I know you've been a long time listener. Is there anything you kind of want to do a shout out? Maybe to Whitney if she happens to listen to this someday?
Jake Frail: I would love to, actually. Yeah. Whitney, hello. I'm sure that you're listening to this as a matter of fact. I know I've told you this before but before I met you, I was completely ready to live the rest of my life as if I'd already had my run. And I was only entitled to, sort of, the leftovers of what life had to offer. But you have shown me that the true feast that God has in mind for me is only just beginning. You are the person I was loving by working to heal long before we even met. You are the person who is worth this comfort of remaining transparent when I feel embarrassed and you're worth continuing to work for, even when I'm tired. Whitney, you are my accountability, you are my inspiration, you are my why, and I believe that the most important thing I can do with the remaining days I have on this planet is to love you better with each one. And now, if you have a minute, there's something I'd like to ask you in person.
Brooke Castillo: Wasn't that amazing? Oh my gosh! I love them so much. So, I have a great special treat for you today. I have one more coach who is going to talk to you about weight loss.
I decided to choose all of my weight loss coaches for January because a lot of people set that as a resolution for what they want to do. The guest that I have for you today is Laura Kalister. She works specifically with women who struggle with that overeating at night. You know what I'm talking about? She has a program where you can really just focus on that night eating.
So many of my clients describe coming home from work and going right to the kitchen and overeating. Overeating while they're preparing their meals. Overeating late at night after they've put their kids to bed.
So Laura has brilliantly decided to just focus on that type of day. She can, of course, help you with any time of day but focusing on that time of day can make such a significant change in your weight because so many people are eating tremendous amounts of food to deal with their lives emotionally in the evening that it's become just a habit. And so, they're in weight gaining mode because of that evening eating.
So, in this podcast, Dr. Lealtro, she's going to talk to you about a four-part process that you can start right now to work on your eating at night. And if you're continually struggling with it, you may want to hire Laura because she can help you with that accountability, she can talk you through your issues, you can have someone to rely on when it comes to turning in your food journal and talking about it. If you can get that evening eating under control, I'm telling you, it will make a huge difference in your weight loss.
So please enjoy this upcoming podcast with Laura. Talk to you guys next week. Bye bye.
Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out Self Coaching Scholars. It's my monthly coaching program where we take all this material and we apply it. We take it to the next level and we study it. Join me over at thelifecoachschool.com/join. Make sure you type in the, t-h-e, life coach school dot com forward slash join. I'd love to have you join me in Self Coaching Scholars.
See you there.
Podcast Feature: Laura Kalister
Hi there. My name is Laura Kalister and I'm a certified weight coach through The Life Coach School. I help people who want to stop overeating at night and I'm so passionate about this work because of my own experience, struggling for over 25 years.
Believe me when I tell you, I think I've tried just about everything. But it wasn't until I met Brooke and started doing the work that she teaches that I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I realized if I managed my mind and my thoughts around overeating, then I could solve my problem for good. But today I want to share with you a process: Four steps to stop overeating at night.
Now I'm sure by day, you wear lots of hats where you're all things to all people. You keep the train moving forward by saying you're fine and you push, push, push. But then after everything and everyone else is taken care of, you overeat at night to relax, cope, disconnect, or just escape from it all. But here's the thing, all overeating does is it leaves you bloated, beating yourself up and ready to throw in the towel again.
It doesn't work to magically create purpose or motivation, joy or fulfillment. Overeating, especially when you aren't hungry, just causes more pain and suffering. Period. If this has become your pattern, or these words resonate with you, please, please hear me. There is nothing wrong with you. You're not broken and, in fact, this pattern is absolutely reversible with the right support and tools.
A couple of things I want you to keep in mind before we get started: Patience with this process is really important. If you've been overeating at night for a long time, you're not going to solve it in one night. So you've got to be patient with yourself. You've also got to be honest with yourself and tell yourself the truth. And the third thing that's crucial is you have to do this over and over.
So lets get started. Step one is the most important. This is “Know Your Why.” If you don't have a compelling reason for why you want to stop overeating at night, the rest of the steps will eventually fail. This is where you get down and dirty honest with yourself. Why do you want to stop overeating at night? There's no such thing as two trivial or too shallow of a why. If it's true and meaningful for you, then you're off to a great start. You've got to be patient with yourself here. Sometimes it takes several times to get your real why.
So, here are some questions to think about while you're formulating your own. What's the honest reason you want to stop overeating at night? Do you want to fit into your clothes better? Do you want to feel comfortable when you're intimate with your partner? Do you want to be more active with your children? What's that why?
Then I want you to take that reason and ask yourself why is this reason important to you. This takes things a little bit deeper and cuts through some of that BS that might be on the surface. It's important to know why is the reason important to you.
Now, I want you to imagine your favorite food was sitting on the counter in your kitchen. You walk in, it's 8 o'clock and you see that food. Considering the reason you just came up with, is that reason compelling enough for you to turn the light out and walk out of the kitchen? Or, would you be tempted and walk over and eat your favorite food?
If you're thinking maybe or a definite, I would go get the food, I would offer your compelling reason is probably not strong enough. This is again where that patience comes in and you've got to kind of go back and ask yourself why do you want to do this. Why do you want to stop?
It's something you've got to kind of keep working at and I've also noticed that why's can change. So, depending on seasons of life or what's going on, your why might change. So it's a good thing to revisit this and keep strong on why you want to stop.
Step number two is “Have a Plan.” If you go into the evening just kind of winging it, when the majority of your brain power and energy is depleted, I promise you that the urges will come on strong and, even in the best case scenario, you'll find yourself sitting next to an empty chip bag. The best thing you can do is create a plan before your over eating triggers occur. By doing this, you're going to use your prefrontal cortex. That's the front part of your brain, or your rational brain, and it represents what you really want - that you want to stop overeating at night. In doing this, you're going to make decisions ahead of time and then you're going to honor that commitment to yourself. In other words, the plan becomes non-negotiable.
Now, it's important to remember here that if you've been doing this for a long time, overeating at night, the lower part of your brain sees that as familiar and easy and a go to pattern. So every evening it's going to look for that, scan for that easy, familiar pattern and it's going to say “it's time to eat, lets go, lets go, lets go.” By developing a plan, we're going to take that lower brain out of play so that you actually end up with the result that you want in the end, which is to not overeat.
Now, this lower brain is going to probably try with some different thoughts to get you to do the status quo. So it's going to get you through things like “I deserve it, it's been a hard day or just one more bite won't hurt.” It's important that you do not entertain these thoughts because they are trying to manipulate you into familiar and easy. It's not what you want and these thoughts are not believable.
The other thing to remember about plans is that you may have different plans depending on whether you're going to be home, or eating out, by yourself, or with others. And a few things to consider on your plans, everyone is different. It's a very individual process but a couple different things to think about might be, do you want to have a plan where you only eat when you're physically hungry? So, if you see food, you ask yourself “am I physically hungry?” If the answer is no, your plan kicks in and you go do something else. Or maybe you have a plan where you're not going to eat after a certain time. So, I'm not going to eat anything after dinner. That's your plan. Another option that people use, is they look at different types of foods. So they say, after dinner I'm not going to eat anything with sugar or flour.
So, those are just a couple of examples to think about but it's really important the more specific you have for a plan. Also the more realistic you have with a plan. Some people cannot go from one to ten in a day. Like I said, this takes time. So all you want to do is come up with what can I do, what can my plan be that's an improvement for me today? And then you keep reevaluating that plan and keep improving, improving, improving. And then it's not so all or nothing.
Step number three is “Anticipating the Obstacles.” We've all had those times where we've planned everything out but then we didn't think about the what if’s. So this is where we think ahead of time about all the obstacles, which might get in the way of our plan. And then, we counteract each of these obstacles with further direction for our brain.
Remember, we don't want that lower brain to weigh in on the decision because it's always going to choose the food. So we want that prefrontal cortex, that rational part, to be thinking here ahead of time to lay out good framework for us.
Now, if you're like me, if you want to overeat at night, it's usually so that you can escape or disconnect. You don't want to be involved in all this planning. However, at least in the beginning, if you want to stop overeating at night, you are going to have to be prepared and practice with your plan to address obstacles. If you encounter resistance when you're doing this, the best advice I can give you is to go back to your why. So, again, why do you want to stop overeating? Is your reason compelling enough to look at that resistance and do it anyway? Follow through anyway?
So, some of the prompts to want to think about when you're starting your obstacles are to ask yourself what would be the reasons why I might eat something that I didn't plan for? So, lets say, your husband goes to the store and brings home cupcakes and you weren't planning for that. What would that ... Would that be a reason you would give in? And if so, what are you going to do not to eat the cupcakes? So the second question is, how can I counteract that to honor my commitment?
Some of those things might be, maybe, you want to reach out for support. Maybe you want a journal or write down your thoughts. Some people find that meditation or deep breathing really can actually slow down, actually helps. The idea is something to refocus you on your why and on your plan.
Step number four, I cannot say enough, “Practice, practice, practice.” I mean, think about it. If you were learning a new language, you wouldn't just buy an instruction manual and hope for the best. This process is actually really similar. To stopover eating at night you've got to spend the time getting clear on why you want to stop, how you plan to stop, and how you're going to deal with the obstacles and then you're just going to practice the hell out of it.
And I don't know about you, but this is fabulous news because if you're someone who overeats at night, you're going to get the opportunity to practice everyday. Now listen, there's going to be nights when you do this beautifully. Everything's gonna go according to plan and this will be powerful because you're going to be building evidence to support your belief that you can do this. Don't forget these occasions.
I've actually had my clients start collecting an evidence log for a new belief so that every time they proved that new belief right, they write it down. Every time they don't overeat at night, they write it down. Don't forget these occasions because this is what you're going to need in those tough times to propel you forward.
On the other hand, there's going to be nights when you slip. And the most important thing here is to remember the difference between slipping and completely reverting to your old habits or your thoughts. Reflect on exactly where you slipped and what you were thinking at the time. Learn something from the experience and practice it again.
Tom Sterner, the author of The Practicing Mind, has this great framework. It's called “do, observe and correct.” It's just this. He says “there's no mistakes, there's just learning opportunities.” So, you do something, you observe what went right and wrong, and then you correct it for the next time. And you just keep going. It's rinse and repeat.
The more you practice, the better you will get at following your plan and addressing your obstacles. It's eventually going to be automatic and I promise you, overeating at night will become a thing of the past. You've got to put in the work with patience, honesty, and practice and you can do it.
If any of these words resonate with you or you have questions, I'd be more than happy to have you contact me a couple of ways. I have a website at www.laurakalister.com and Kalister is spelled, K A L I S T E R. I also have a Facebook page, Laura Kalister Coaching and I have a private Facebook group where we take this work a little deeper in a more intimate setting and the name of that group is Freedom From Overeating. I encourage you to give this a try over and over. Let me know if you have questions and I wish you the best of luck and thank you for listening.