What are you willing to do for the things you truly want in your life?
Your relationships with your family, your friends, your partner.
The success of your new business.
What are you willing to risk?
Too many people aren’t willing to fight for what they really want, and instead, they blame themselves or others for not getting it.
In this episode, I invite you to consider where you aren’t fighting for what you want and why maybe you should. I share some examples of where I’m willing to fight and the importance of having your own back.
Plus, in this week’s Examples of Awesome interview, Master Certified Coach Brig Johnson talks to Akilah Folami, coach for attorneys, about why you have to be willing to fight for what you want and what you believe, and the benefits of doing so.
Grab your copy of our new Wisdom From The Life Coach School Podcast book. It covers a decade worth of research, on life-changing topics from the podcast. It’s the truest shortcut to self development we have ever created!
What you will discover
- Why people give up too early on what they want.
- The problem with blaming yourself or others for not getting what you want.
- How to start fighting for what you want.
Featured on the show
You are listening to The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo episode 499.
Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems and real coaching. And now your host, Master Coach instructor, Brooke Castillo.
That’s right, my friends, 499 episodes. You are actually welcome. That is a lot of work, my friend. That’s a lot of weeks. That’s a lot of time. And I do this all for free. For free. I must love you all so much. Okay, first of all, do you all play Wordle? Okay, if you don’t play Wordle, what are you doing? What are you doing? Wordle and pickleball, you got to do both of those.
All right, so Wordle, you can access it through The New York Times app or you can just go to thenewyorktimes.com and access Wordle. I do it every single day. I do it with my kids. So the way they have the app set up is really cool, or even the site, you guess at this five-letter word. And you have six tries to guess at this five letter word. And depending on how many tries it takes you, it’ll give you like a snapshot of your effort, basically.
And you can send that to – I send it to my kids. My kids and all my adopted kids. And we all play together every single day. And it’s actually super fun. And I play with my mom and dad too. They’re like in a separate chat, but we do it, my boyfriend and I play with them. It’s one of the coolest ways to have a daily touch point with someone without necessarily having to call them or talk to them.
Not that we don’t do that too, but it’s just a cool little thing to do with someone you love. And if you’re competitive at all, then you will want to try and get the word in two or three. And I just did it. And here’s what happens sometimes when you play Wordle, my friends, is that you get the last four letters, like in the second try. But the first letter could be like six different options. So you’re just basically guessing at that point.
You’re guessing what the word could be. So like on this one, the last four letters were R-A-I-L. So my first guess was trail. And then it was, I can’t even remember, grail. Here, wait, let me find out because this matters. This actually really matters and it’s really cool because you can look and see what it was.
Okay, so my second guess was trail. So it gave me R-A-I-L, but the first letter, T, wasn’t right. So then I tried frail, F-R-A-I-L, no. Then I tried brail, B-R-A-I-L, no. So finally the word was grail. So I had to waste one, two, three, four, and I got it in five. And that is not like me, I usually get it in three or four. And so I was very mad. I just finished Wordle. I’m like, I’m going to go record my podcast and vent about Wordle.
So I know that I have turned a lot of you onto pickleball and that you are loving this game and that you are excited that I introduced it to you. Wait until you play Wordle. Wordle is so fun. I haven’t missed a day in like 120 days since we started playing. I think my girlfriend Tonya introduced it to me and we’ve been at it ever since.
I actually love to play Scrabble too. I don’t know how many of you are Scrabble players, but I actually really enjoy playing that game. We have one of these beautiful scrabble boards from Restoration Hardware that rolls around in a circle when you’re playing. It’s really fun. Playing with my son, Christian, is ridiculous.
He’s like a savant at that game. He knows words that I’m sure aren’t words, but they are. It’s like he has a photographic memory for words. It’s really fun. He doesn’t like playing though. He always beats all of us, but he doesn’t really like playing. It’s hard to find someone who really likes to play Scrabble.
So listen, if you’d like to play Scrabble, maybe we should go on a date and play some Scrabble. But at the very least play some Wordle because Wordle is so much fun.
All right, wow, that was a long intro. I usually don’t do that, but here we go. I want to talk today about fighting for what you want. And there are so many examples that have come up recently around this topic that are perplexing to me. And I was talking to my girlfriend, Kris Plachy on the phone today. I’m actually still in New York and I was walking in Central Park and I was talking to her about it.
And I was talking to her about how I always fight for what I want and I never give up. And she was saying that she does the same. And we were both giving each other examples and we were kind of laughing about these examples.
And I was trying to figure out like, what is that? Is that privilege? Is that like, I’m used to getting what I want and I feel super entitled to what I want and so that’s why I just am constantly insisting that I get what I want? Or is it my personality? Is it my ambition? I’m not sure. I don’t know the answer to that, but I do think many of you could use a little bit more fighting for what you want in your life because I think you could get it a lot more.
Now, fighting for what you want is different than complaining about what you’re not getting. That’s what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about whining. I’m not talking about complaining. And I’m certainly not talking about blaming. I’m talking about fighting and being willing to give of yourself in the good fight.
I’ll give you an example. When we were on our way, I think we were going to Las Vegas. E and I were going to Las Vegas and for some reason it took us so long to get to the airport. And it’s weird, I don’t even remember there being a lot of traffic. But we got to the airport exactly an hour before our flight was going to take off. And I know for sure that you have to check your bags and we had a lot of bags. We always have a lot of bags. You have to check your bags an hour before you get on your flight.
And so for many of you that don’t know, I used to only fly private. After Covid happened, I only flew private for the longest time. And now flying commercial, I’m so confused. I’m like why do we have to be here an hour early? We have to go through all this folderol. It’s ridiculous how bougie I am.
But here’s what happened. So we got there an hour before and all of a sudden we looked and the lines to check in are insane. So I like to check in on the curb. There’s like all these crazy long lines and I was like, okay, there is no way we’re going to make our flight. There’s at least 20 people in this line.
So I’m like, we have to go inside because we were flying first class, so I was like we’ll have a priority line. So we go inside and the priority line – You all saying I’m the only bougie one, there’s a lot of y’all bougie with me. The problem is all us bougie people are in the first class line trying to get into our flight without having to wait in any kind of line. So that wasn’t going to work. There was no way we were making our flight.
So I text my assistant and I’m like, “Dude, I don’t think we’re going to make this flight. There’s no later flight. What are we going to do?” So I go up, we go back outside to the curb and E was like, “I think this line is shorter, so let’s just take our chances.” But we were standing at the end of this line, there’s no way. It’s going to take us at least a half hour to get through this line, our flight is boarding in a half hour.
So I go up to the front and I’m like, hey. And there was a woman being helped and I waited for her to finish her conversation with him. And then I was like, “Hey, do you think I’m going to miss my flight?” And I showed him my boarding pass. And he was like, “Yeah, I think you are going to miss your flight.”
And so I looked at him and I’m like, “I don’t want to miss my flight. What can I do? What do you got? Where are we at? There’s got to be some options for me, help me out here.” And he just kind of looked at me. And he’s like, okay. He could tell I wasn’t going away, so he looked up my name and looked at my flight, sees that it’s on time. And then I’m like, can you help me out here?
And he’s like, if you can help me out. I’m like, you know I can help you out. I was like, I got you on this. So he’s like, let’s hurry. So E is at the back of the line. I’m like, “Come up here.” He runs up, I gave the guy a couple hundred dollars, the skycap a couple hundred dollars to check our bags and we literally were going to have to run.
Thank goodness we have TCA, we have Clear, we have Global Entry. My assistants are amazing, we have everything you could possibly need to get through an airport. And so we were able to get through, we were able to get on our flight. And we could have so easily just given up and not even tried to fight to get on that flight, to make an effort, to ask a question to see if someone could help me out.
And I wasn’t rude. I wasn’t like, “Oh my God, I’m going to miss my flight. You have to do something.” I was like, “Hey, obviously I’m here too late. Can you help me?”
Other situations where I have been told no or I’ve been told something isn’t going to work out, I fight for what I want. And I don’t always get it. I mean, not always do I get to make my flight. Not always do I get to go to the front of the line. Not always do I get the deal that I want to get. But most often I put in the effort to fight.
And I will tell you, I’ve talked to a lot of my clients about this and I think many of us are giving up way too early. Let’s talk about relationships. Relationships that we want to have. And let’s talk about friendships. And let’s talk about lovers. And let’s talk about committed intimate relationships.
If I’m in a relationship and somebody wants to break up with me or divorce me or leave me or not be with me anymore, and I want to be with them, I am going to fight till the end of days. I am going to put in as much effort as I possibly can to maintain that relationship, at risking my own kind of saving face. Like I’m willing to lay it out for a relationship that I want.
So let’s use an example. There are many examples. There’s many examples where I’ve broken up with people that made no effort, zero effort to maintain the relationship. And yet, you could tell they were devastated by it. These are friendships. These are family relationships. These are dating relationships.
Tons of relationships like this, where I’m so surprised. There’s just no gumption, there’s just no effort put into trying to fight for what you want. I’ve had people try and sell me things and I say no once and they give up. It’s crazy to me.
But let’s talk about relationships. So let’s say, a friend came to me and said something like, “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.” If this was an important friendship to me, I’d be like, no, that’s not an option. We’re friends and there’s nothing you can do about it. And I want to be your friend, I’m going to do whatever it takes to be your friend. I’m going to come to your house. I’m going to have the conversations. I’m going to text you. I’m going to do whatever it is.
If I want that relationship, I’m going to go down swinging. I am not going to let anyone take away something from me, even if it’s the person who’s in the relationship with me, first of all, without me showing all of my effort for it and them seeing that. I think in so many ways, many of us want to be fought for. We want someone to put an effort into maintaining a friendship, relationship, dating-ship, whatever it is. And not just be like, okay, sounds good. Whatever you want. I guess you’re in charge, kind of thing.
The same thing applies to jobs. I have been in many situations as an employee, as someone working for someone else, where they tried to break up with me. They were like, “Oh, we don’t need this job position anymore. We don’t need you to work here anymore.” I was like, oh, what? Yeah you do. Yes, you do. What can we do? Let’s work on this together.
I’m not going anywhere. I’ll work here for free until you can come up with the money to pay me. I’ll do whatever job you need me to do. I will change what I’m doing, I will perform at a higher level. What is it going to take for me to stay in this job and do this work that is so important to me or so important for me to make a living or whatever.
And I will tell you, I have been an employer for a long time. A very long time. It’s like 20 years now. And I can count on one hand the people that have fought for their jobs when I had to let them go. Made any kind of effort to maintain a job that I knew that they wanted, let alone really fighting for a job.
I will never forget this article, I’m sure I’ve mentioned it on a podcast before. I will never forget this article about this young man who came out to his mother as gay. This was years ago. And she was a very conservative woman who could not in her mind, with the religion that she was in, accept that her son was gay.
And so she told her son that he was no longer her son and that he could no longer attend family events. And he could no longer show up. And he could no longer be around. And he just laughed at her. He was like, what? I’m going to be here for every event. And I’m going to be here for every holiday. And I’m going to come over for Thanksgiving and I’m going to come over for Christmas and I’m going to be in your life. And I’m going to call you every single day. And you can do what you want to do, but this is what I’m going to do, period.
And he tells this story about how for years he would show up at all these events and she wouldn’t even acknowledge him and she just wasn’t – And eventually he wore her down. He just didn’t give up. And they have this amazing relationship.
And I read another article about this couple that they were going to get a divorce. This was years ago too. Actually, I feel like I read them around the same time, it’s kind of interesting. This man had decided he was going to leave his wife for another woman. And they had two kids together and she said, listen, you can leave and go be with this other woman, but we’re not getting a divorce. And I’m not leaving you.
You can leave me, but I’m not leaving you. I’m still here. I’m still committed to you. I’m committed to this family. And if you need to go and be with this other woman, that is fine. But you can come home anytime, I am here. I am your wife and I want to be with you.
And listen, I’m not suggesting that everyone do this. I’m not suggesting that this is the way that you would want to fight. Maybe you would fight in a different way, which is like hell no, you’re not going to this other woman. You’re going to stay here with me and we’re going to work this out.
And again, sometimes that’s not going to work. But too many of us aren’t even putting up a ruckus. We aren’t even putting up a fight. We aren’t even going after what we want. And especially if we feel like it’s our fault that the person’s leaving us, we’re not fighting at all. We’re just giving up because we feel like we deserve it.
And I just want to call out to you, you need to be willing to fight for what you want. Another example, and I see this so often and it literally breaks my heart, is watching young entrepreneurs. And when I say young, I’m not talking about your age, I’m talking about your entrepreneurial age, right? There’s your age that you were born, and then there’s your entrepreneurial age.
Young entrepreneurs that are brand new entrepreneurs, giving up after less than a year. And, to be honest, after no fight at all. We have the opportunity of thousands of lifetimes to be entrepreneurs. And you have expressed your interest to be an entrepreneur. And you have signed up to be an entrepreneur.
And you were putting an effort in and you’re giving up so easily, without a fight, without the effort, without the risk, putting yourself out there. And just going into a space of self-blame or blaming someone else, or whining about it, or kind of acquiescing to the fact that, oh, I knew I wasn’t good enough to do this.
And I just want to ask you, all of you, what are you willing to do for the things you truly want in your life? And how many things, little things like missing a plane, or not getting the kind of food you want at a restaurant, or not getting the restaurant that you want to go to for dinner, whatever, how many of you are not fighting or standing up for yourselves for what you actually want and putting the effort in to get what it is that you want in your life?
I promise you this, I felt compelled to send you this message today. You will never regret fighting for something you want. Even if you don’t get it. Because if you put your heart and soul into something and you fight for it, and you put your effort into it and you still don’t get it, you can walk away from that fight with your ass beat and know that you did what you could to get what you wanted.
But when you aren’t even willing to go into the rain, you aren’t even willing to put up any kind of fight, you just give up before you even make an effort to fight for what you want, I feel like you could be letting yourself down. You have to be worth fighting for what you truly want. And if you don’t fight, like for example, if I’m your employer and you don’t fight for your job, I’m not giving it to you, ever.
If I’m in a relationship with you and I’m like, “Hey, I don’t think this is working out.” And you’re like, “Okay,” that’s it. That is it. And on the other side of that, for me especially, I am going to put the effort in. And not by shaming anyone, not by complaining at anyone, not by blaming at anyone, but for simply fighting for what it is I truly want and knowing that that is for the highest good.
So I want to send this podcast out to you as kind of like a call out. As kind of like, hey, what is it you want in your life that you’re not fighting for? Is it a relationship? Like I can’t even tell you, I would say at least a dozen times – Now I’ve been coaching a long time, but at least a dozen times I’ve coached a woman who hasn’t spoken to her sister in years.
So many sister fights, at least 12 people. And I say, do you want to talk to your sister? Do you love your sister? And they say, yeah. I say, call her. Why don’t you call her? It’s puzzling to me. It’s puzzling to them. Well, I don’t know, she’s mad at me. Okay, she’s mad at you. Call her and fight for her. Fight for your relationship with her.
Fight for everything that matters to you, whether it’s your kid, or your family member or your friend. Listen, what if I call my friend and I fight for them and they still don’t want to be my friend? You’ve lost nothing. You’ve lost nothing. All you’ve done is fight for you. You have your own back. You still maybe won’t have that friend, but you’ll have you. And you’ll know that you laid it out for you.
I’m going to lay it out for me. I’m not going to let myself sit in an airport for five hours if I can get on that plane. And yes, you have to use what you have. Some of you may not have a couple hundred bucks to pay the skycap, but some of you do and you wouldn’t have the fight in you to go up and ask for help. To ask for them to hook you up. You got to take a risk, my friends. You’ve got to be willing to fight for you.
At the end of your life I promise you, you’re going to appreciate every time you went to bat for yourself. Every single time you made an effort to fight for you. So go out there, my friends, fight for yourselves. Have an amazing week.
Hey, wait, don’t go. I have another example of awesome starting right now. Enjoy.
Brig: All right, guys, I have Akilah here and we were just yip-yapping and talking and overflowing and giggling. And I wanted to let you guys know the reason why I am giggling and fangirling, because I’m truly fangirling over Akilah, and I’m going to let her introduce herself, is because she is the living testament of fighting for this work.
Like I watched her as a self-coaching scholar, I don’t know if you guys know this, but in Self-Coaching Scholars you can watch, one of the benefits is you have the benefit of seeing other people get coached. And I would be listening to a call and here comes Akilah and then listen to another call and here comes Akilah.
And I watched with awe, as a fly on the wall, her fight for her transformation and then, luckily for me, then became a personal part of it. But I just think she is a testament to fighting for beliefs that seem out of reach, but yet you’re like, is it possible? And that’s what I saw for you. So introduce yourself, Akilah.
Akilah: Thank you, thank you so much for that. I’m moved by that because it really was and I’m super proud of myself, honestly, for that. So for me, my name is Akilah Folami. I’m a professor, a law professor here in New York. And the journey for me, by the time I got to being a Self-Coaching Scholar, was just wanting to show up fully, authentically.
I mean, in the spaces that I’ve been in as the only Black woman in a lot of these spaces tenured, there aren’t a lot of us. There’s an element, particularly pre-tenure of being performative and not necessarily authentic, or even not knowing what authentic is.
So by the time I got to Self-Coaching Scholars I was like, yeah, I’m showing up. I really want to show up for a variety of reasons, but at the time particularly because I wanted to show up differently at home with my children. And so there’s that side of me at work, I was coming home and I was aware, I’ve done therapy for years, I was aware of what the issues were. I had a traumatic childhood, blah, blah, blah.
So I was aware of the me. But in terms of catching it in the midst of it, I really did not have the tools to do so. And so I was all in it if you’re telling me you got tools to help do this. And when I discovered the Model, I was just like, there might be something here, right? So I was in it. I was willing to test that thing, twist it, raise my hand on all the calls, call you out, send you an email, send Brooke an email, Kara Loewentheil, Sarah Fisk, I’m sending an email to everybody.
Brig: I love it. I love it. And you did, you literally fought for your transformation. But I think one of the questions I have is, because you came in pre George Floyd and then after enduring George Floyd murder. What made you stay in even though you had, like the Model doesn’t fit here and the Model doesn’t fit here? But yet you stayed in the container to do that work as opposed, because a lot of people will be like, oh, huh-uh, and then leave. But you chose not to, why?
Akilah: Well, part of it was the Model in some ways, because it had actually helped me with my children. But I didn’t know if the Model or even The Life Coach School could handle being called out, which they were, including Brooke. And so, for me, I also knew people behind the scenes who knew her, Kara in particular, who I didn’t really know. I sent her an email too and she replied and blah, blah, blah.
And so I wanted to see how she handled the situation. And when she showed up by herself, she even said the criticism she got, a white woman crying one white woman tear. She even owned that and said I didn’t see that at all happening in legal academia or in the profession. I mean, I saw statements, I helped to draft some of them.
But in terms of dropping into the energy and the emotion, that visceral stuff that’s at the core of what the nation is struggling with, period, I saw her doing some of that in a way that I didn’t see law school doing that. We kept it heady. And I know part of the Model is the thought work, but I also saw her and needed to see her, and frankly, members of the other parts of the School dropping into something more than that.
So for me that was enough to keep me there, as well as she was being responsive. I mean, she called on me all those times she saw my name, and she knew I was going to ask the questions. When they had the webinars or the workshops Akilah is raising her hand, like you said. Folks called on me. They didn’t run from me. You didn’t, right?
And there was one where you were with four other women and I came hardcore. And it got silent, not to discredit anyone else. I think they were all looking for Brig, you got this one, right? So I was testing it in a way for my own self, because I was about that life for me and my homies.
Brig: I loved it. Just as a fellow Black woman in there I understood what you were struggling with and I literally loved it. I loved that you were fighting for it. I just loved that. Yeah.
Akilah: Yeah, and I got something from it, like on the call with Brooke about money, which is one of the most triggering for me. She had said, and I opened it with, “I’m angry. I’m angry with wealth inequality. I’m angry that I’ve been hustling, making a lot of money, and I’m still behind just because of generational wealth and the way race plays out.”
Akilah: And she said clean up that anger, you know, package the anger and the pain, she just said and the pain like an afterthought. And I remember thinking, who the hell said I was in pain? I was tight. But then when I sat with it and then went into the certification process, man, I’m all up in them calls, crying and babbling.
And I’m grateful Michelle was one of the teachers, I didn’t hold back there either. And they held that space. So sure, you bring it and I’ll bring 100% to get us over this hump to a brave new world that I see that we can create.
Brig: Yes, yes. I love that. So what has been the impact of actually staying in there and fighting? I know for me from the outside, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you were reactionary a lot. Like triggered, I’m going to go like, huh-uh. I’m like I was expecting the Vaseline.
Akilah: Listen, kick down the doors, sister is here, right? We’re not going to double talk.
Brig: And we know how we can be, right.
Akilah: And usually in the context of defending someone else. Like that was part of my savior thing that I even had to call in question because some people see that as noble, but you really have to get at the heart of why you’re doing it. Which for me, was the work.
Brig: Yeah, yeah. Because it’s not sustainable, it’s like it’s all-consuming. And when we worked together that was one of the key things that we really did, was to help with that. But I saw your transformation and then I got a front-row seat to it. What was the impact of doing this, of fighting?
Akilah: Conserving energy, but moreover creating space for creating.
Akilah: From a space of curiosity, not from a space of reactionary. I can create some shit, and have, right? From a place of reacting, I really can do that ish and do it well.
Akilah: But to do it, what was unknown was to do it from a place of curiosity. And so to even think that something is possible, is being curious. And so for me, the impact is I brought some of this work inside, in-house to the law school where I am. I gave it a different name and packaged it in a way so it’s something that they might want to consume, right? Calling it mindfulness wouldn’t work, I didn’t think so.
But now there’s a long-standing waiting list. It just dropped Friday, the theme of the class, and there are folks on the waiting list, strong, right? And this is the sixth cohort. So to even think of that, to think of stepping beyond what law school says you should teach or could teach, right?
Yeah, constitutional law is important, but it’s also important on a heady intellectual, emotional, even democratic level. But understanding on the level of the core of how it shapes who we are and how we show up, why we’re whispering rather than speaking loudly as women or why we’re – All of that stuff, law school doesn’t touch. It packages it up.
And you did personal work with me sometimes in that space. Like literally in my office quite frankly, of how to show up in a space where there’s ample room to do so the way you choose.
Akilah: And so that’s what this work did, because I didn’t see the choice. The reactionary is it’s hard to catch where there’s choice when you’re solely in reactionary mode.
Brig: Right. And listen, like I don’t think we shouldn’t be angry. I think anger is one of those emotions that we get to understand what’s underneath it and understand that. But if we’re walking around angry all the time, that’s a good cue to do some unpacking and to do some of this work. And I think the Model and the work that we do and we did together was important for that.
Akilah: Oh yeah. And anger is consuming, like it can be consuming.
Akilah: And what I learned is anger, for me, can burn the house down, right? Which sometimes you do need that. But for me, I needed someone who could hold space with me with the tools that they use, because you know I brought it, to unpack that anger. What you said, to hold space with that anger. To even choose to even see that there’s a choice to even be angry. Or even choose to be angry, be angry, and then choose how you want to show up with that.
Man, that was monumental. I was like, wait, I can be angry and still decide to go get my pedicure? For real?
Akilah: That was huge.
Brig: So good. So I also want to talk about, because you mentioned it at the beginning, it was coming into the house with your relationship with your daughters. Tell us about the impact of that, doing this work, and how it’s filtered through that.
Akilah: Well, so for me, I mean, on any given day, they’re teenagers, they might be like, “Mom, you need some more work, go do some self-coaching.” But with that said, I grew up in a household that included domestic violence and a lot of anger and chaos.
And so, for me, I was aware of that. But just literally in the midst of it, like I wasn’t physical with my children, and they’ve shared with me because they’re Akilah’s kids. Like my energy is like DEF-CON 12, like blah, blah, blah.
And so they joke about it now, but there were times working with you and with myself that I would stop myself and find the choice, even though I’m angry, find the choice in how I want to show up. So literally, it would seem like a blip in the matrix. Like my kids, let’s say they did something and I’m about to go like, you – I’d literally stop because I know what I don’t want to say.
Akilah: But I’m searching, I take that minute, exhale, bring it down. Wait, what do I want to say? Or not say anything. Sometimes I would just get in the car and go drive. And they’d be left light like, wait, is she coming back? So to begin to see that with my children, honestly, that’s what gave me the movement to get off the hamster wheel and go apply it elsewhere.
Brig: That is so good. I love that for you. And again, as someone who just watched and heard the calls and everything, I just love the fact that you fought for it and that you actually got your transformation. You got your questions asked and you didn’t go anywhere, but you literally stayed.
And what would you say to someone who’s really struggling with some of the concept? Like, yeah, but. Like what would you say to them?
Akilah: Well, I mean I would say, ask the question. Part of me was like, I’m paying for this ish. In this space, like I might not be able to, it’s all the choice, I get it, right? But I might feel the choice not to come at my manager a certain way because it’s how I get my paycheck, right? But in terms of the work of coaching, bring your full self to it.
And frankly, there was half a second when I was just like, wait, they see my name and my face. But I was that committed like, yo, if this means some healing on the side of it, okay. Part of it hugely was sitting with vulnerability.
Akilah: And the Model helped with that. And so being vulnerable, okay, so you see me on the video or going off or whatever it is.
Brig: Right? Yeah.
Akilah: But I’m getting mine, period, right? Like there was even a point in certifying something, I was going back and forth with Michelle, the one who was teaching it, where I needed her to say something about Brooke. And she was just like, well, why do you need Brooke to say that? I was like, damn it, you know that’s true. And I had to interrogate that. Like, why do I need that affirmation from The Life Coach School, from Brooke, whatever?
Akilah: And I won’t knock the beauty of this thing that her brain created, right? But I don’t need that affirmation. So for me to stay in it, yo, it’s to stay in it for yourself and get what you need out of it, frankly.
Akilah: And coming into the awareness of what that is that you need.
Brig: Yeah. And I love the fact that you showed up vulnerable and raw in who you were and like, yeah, because I’m getting mine. Like at the end of the day, my relationships with my kids are better. My relationship with myself is better. My relationship at work is better.
Akilah: Absolutely, absolutely. Absolutely. So that’s the work we had to pick up. I was like this should help with my work, whether we’re at home with these kids, with myself, with this work. And so to be able to show up in a space, which is what my coaching business is about for attorneys, newly minted attorneys out there, and there are a lot of us out there trying to find our way in the thick of the hamster wheel.
Be it because of debt, because of professional norms, how we understand and see ourselves, blah, blah, blah. All of that constricture, hard to breathe. I mean our profession is one of the biggest ones that have drinking problems or substance abuse problems. And so to disentangle that, the Model, you helped me to show up so that I can show up. Does that make sense?
Brig: Yeah. So good. And you worked with some others, too. I know you work with Marlene. I know you worked with Sarah.
Akilah: Oh yeah. So yes, Sarah, everyone, Marlene all of them held space. And I didn’t mince words, I just showed up fully as me.
Brig: So good, so good. So tell people how to reach you. Give them your website. Who’s your ideal client? Who do you work with? Give them all the information to get in contact with you. What’s your website? Tell us all that.
Akilah: My ideal is those newly minted attorneys coming out, years one to 10. But also law students, if you’re not getting the support that you feel you have. You can find me kind of rolling with it, low key working it out, rolling it out as we do. FootSoldier2Vanguard is what the Facebook page is. You reach out to me and then I’ll connect you with the link to schedule to chat with me, an initial consult if you will. And hopefully we can do some work together to help build this brave new and inclusive world and I know we can.
Brig: I love it. Well, again, I’m fangirling because I watched you determined to get your transformation. And for any of you guys that don’t quite agree, but yet aren’t fighting for it, yeah, it’s totally worth it. Wouldn’t you say?
Akilah: Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. I absolutely would say that. I absolutely would say that.
Brig: All right. Thank you so much. Bye, guys.
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