Ep #51: How to Not Be Stuck
As most of you probably know, I hold a weekly free public call where anyone can join, and I coach anyone who needs coaching on any topic they are interested in on the fly. On our last coaching call, everyone who attended had the same issue. They were all feeling stuck in their current job and they weren't making progress. They were questioning their career choices and wondered how to be happier in their job and wanted to know how they can be more successful.
Today, I am really excited to share with you the coaching we did on our last call. Join us on this value-packed episode to learn how to get unstuck from any situation or condition you are currently in, whether it’s your job, your weight, your marriage, or even a city or state that you live in. We get into why we tend get stuck and what we need to do before we decide to take necessary risks to see a positive change in our lives. Click “Play” below and enjoy this behind-the-scenes look at one of our coaching calls!
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Listen to the show
What You will discover
- Why you shouldn’t change your job, a marriage or a city, until you know that you can be happy there.
- Why we often feel stuck in our job or life.
- How to get good at having courage.
- Why you have to always believe in yourself at least twice as much as others believe in you.
- What needs to happen before you decide to take necessary risks to see a positive change.
- Important questions to ask yourself to help you get moving in the right direction.
- How you can use the “Future Self” work to get unstuck.
Get the Full Episode Transcript:download the transcript
Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems and real coaching and now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
Hi everyone, how are you guys doing? Oh my goodness, I am really excited for you guys today. As most of you know I do a public coaching call, which means anybody can come and I coach anyone that wants coaching on any topic they want on the fly. One of the things that I wanted to do is share with you some of the coaching that we did on the last public coaching call. The reason I wanted to share this one was because everyone who came to the call kind of had the same issue.
They were feeling stuck in their current job, feeling like they weren't making progress, questioning their career choices, and how to be happier in their current job and also how to be more successful. We did some great coaching, I think there's a lot of really powerful tidbits in there that you can apply to your own life and pull out for your own musing. Please enjoy this edition of the Public Coaching Call, which is really how to get unstuck.
Hi everyone, my name is Brooke Castillo and this is my Public Coaching Call that I offer every other week to give you a chance to be coached and also to hear what it's like to be a coach really, that's what I'm doing, I'm coaching on the fly … I don't prepare for these calls so basically the issue that's presented, I coach using the material and the tools that I have. I usually start the call by doing an overview of either the model, which is the main tool that I use in all of my coaching or I review some of the tools that I use. One of things that I want to do today is I want to review both of them and I want to talk about them briefly.
I also want to just give you kind of some insight on what it's like to be a coach because some of you have been emailing me and asking me about becoming a coach. If you want to become a coach through the Life Coach School we only do that one way now. We used to have an online program; we no longer offer the online program. The only program that we offer is an in person and the reason why we offer the in person is because it is the best way that I have ever seen to train someone to be a coach. It's a 6-day program if you want to become a life coach. It's an 8-day program if you want to get a double certification and add on weight coach.
That's coming up here in June; we have one actually in the next couple of weeks in March, but that one is sold out. We do have one coming up in June that has room and let me just give you the exact dates, that's June 5th through the 10th, if you want to be a life coach and if you want to add a double weight coach certification, there's two extra days there, so it would be to the 12th. This is the last time we are offering the double certification at a very low price. That price is going to be going up a couple thousand dollars.
If you're interested in becoming a coach this is the time to do it in June. Make sure you go to the website, talk to Jody about it. Once you get certified as a coach, what is it like to? Is one of the questions that I've been getting. Now, the first thing that I want to tell you is that if you want to be a life coach, if you want to own your own business, which is what most people want because they want to get into this industry so they have some control over their own lives and their own businesses. You are also going to have to become an entrepreneur, which is the second half of being a life coach.
What I devoted the first part of my training doing and what I learned myself and offer to my students was really how to do causal coaching. How to be the best life coach or weight coach you could possibly be. I spent the last two years really dedicated to learning marketing and business. Now that's kind of the second half of what I'm teaching my students. I teach them how to be coaches and I also teach them how to be entrepreneurs.
The thing that is really, I think the most important thing to know about becoming an entrepreneur is that you absolutely need your life coaching skills to become an entrepreneur. We always say it's the best self development program you will ever go through, becoming a life coach becoming an entrepreneur, okay. If you are really skilled at the life coaching piece of it, if you know how to coach yourself, it's going to be much easier for you to succeed as an entrepreneur because you will be able to overcome your own self-doubt, your own frustrations, and I really think it's the barrier to entry.
Yes, it's an amazing lifestyle, it's an amazing way to live your life, but not just anyone can do it. Otherwise everyone would have their own business. It requires that you really do a deep dive into your own insecurities about yourself. Anyway, we just had the most amazing, beautiful time in Santa Barbara. All of my coaches who are certified can come there for free. We have two full days of mastermind. I teach one full day and then the second day I brought in four guest speakers. It's all included in certification, not just the year you get certified but every year after that for no charge.
We had an amazing two days there and one of the things that I talked the most about was business and how to overcome all of the issues that come up with us when it comes to starting a business. Now, what's so fascinating to me about all of those of you who wrote in earlier, wanting to be coached is that all of you are talking about your careers and you're talking about some of you want to change careers, some of you want to find happiness within your careers, and many of you are thinking about becoming life coaches.
What I want to offer you is that whatever you do, whether it's being a life coach or whether it's being a weight coach or whether it's working in a corporate job or being a coach part time or doing it on the side or whatever, what matters is not as much what you do but who you are and who you decide to be. I always say, "You could put me in any job; I'm going to be coaching people." I am first and foremost a coach and I was a coach even before I was a coach and I know that many of you guys can relate to that.
When I was working at Hewlett-Packard, I worked at Hewlett-Packard for five years and I would say it was the best and the worst job I've ever had. First, it was the best job because that is where I met my husband and I feel forever grateful to Hewlett-Packard to hiring me. Here's what's so fascinating about my job at Hewlett-Packard: First of all I was a procurement specialist.
What I spent my time doing was procuring parts for printers so Hewlett-Packard would be designing a printer and they would need all these piece parts that they were designing to create the printer and I would go and find out what they were going to charge us to create those parts. Can you imagine a better waste of my talent? That's kind of how I felt. First of all there had to be way better people at this than me.
What I figured out was, when I got in there in a room, I was 23 I think when I was working there, and I got in a room with a person and we were talking about the price of the part. I didn't have to know about the cost of the material. I didn't have to know any of those details because I knew how to read a person and I knew how to understand their thinking. This was way before I even knew about the model. It was just how my mind was naturally gifted and those of you who aren't coaches yet officially you know what I mean…your ability to understand people and so that served me. If I was in that job now all I would be doing is coaching in whatever way I could. For those of you who say, “I can't afford to become a coach, I can't do it.” I just want you to say, “You don't have to wait to use the tools that you learned by listening to my podcast, studying my materials, you can start applying them now.”
First and foremost, you are your first client. You absolutely need to be coaching yourself. Let's talk about it. If you are in a job that you do not like right now the first thing, and we're going to talk about this in detail with those of you who want to be coached in specific examples, but for those of you who don't know my approach is always that you shouldn't leave a job or a marriage or a house or a city until you know you can be happy there.
If you try and change your circumstances in an effort to be happy, you are not acknowledging that the way that we find happiness and create happiness for ourselves is in our mind. You can tell yourself it's in your circumstances. You can tell yourself it's in the amount of money that you have, it's in the type of house you have, it's in the weather you have, it's in the job you have but that's never the case. It's always in your mind.
Now there are certain people that you may be married to that make it easier to have better feeling thoughts. You may have jobs that make it easier to have better feeling thoughts, but it still is your thinking that is causing you to feel the way you do.
Now let me give you an example. I think I have the best job on the planet. I get to wake up when I want, I get to where what I want, I get to show up in any way that I want. Today, because I'm preparing for my in person training that's coming up in a couple of weeks, I didn't have any calls except for this one all day, so I had nothing on my schedule.
I got up, I went to yoga, it was amazing, I stayed after for an hour and talked to my friend, Laurie, caught up with her, I came home, took a shower, relaxed with Chris, and then I worked on my in person curriculum that I'm going to be teaching in a couple of weeks. I did that sitting right next to my puppies and looking out the beautiful weather, we have blossoms everywhere. I think that's the perfect life.
I think having the freedom to do that in any way I want is great. That does not mean that I love every single thing about my job. We're right in the middle of doing taxes; I do not enjoy that process at all. Especially when you're an entrepreneur and you make a significant amount of money; it's a very painful process to go through the tax system right and to calculate everything. I don't enjoy that part of it. I don't think we are entitled to enjoy everything we do in our jobs.
There are many parts of it that I don't like and I choose to do the work to like them so I can enjoy them enough to get them done, but it's not that every single thing is great, and a lot of the work that I do with my coaches, who are building their businesses is letting them know that there's a good portion of most of our days that is a grind. I think that's true for everyone. It's how you approach your grind.
Even my weight loss clients I talk to them about this, some of the work that you're going to be doing is going to feel like a grind. You can either complain about it and get negative about it or you can turn yourself around and get positive about it. Okay, think of your job and then think of who you want to be in that job, and the most important question that I can say to all of you is, how are you thinking about your job or your marriage or your body?
I just was working with a client recently who had gained ten pounds and she didn't like the way she looked and she was pissed off every time she put on her clothes and they didn't fit. I said, "Before we're even going to talk about you losing weight, I want you to recognize how you're thinking about your body. Right now, that's what matters. If you're hating on yourself we're not going to get anywhere."
That's true for you guys in your marriages, in your jobs, pay attention to how your thinking about it first. Let's get started if you guys have questions I'm going to coach Jennifer first and a bit, then after I'm done coaching Jennifer if you guys have questions you can un-mute your selves, if you're muted, and ask me a question if you have any thoughts about anything that I did. Or anything that you're applying to yourself that you have a question about.
One of the things you can do is let's say you're not having a problem with your job so you don't feel like this applies to you, apply it to whatever issue you're having and then if you want me to answer some questions about your specific issue afterwards I'm happy to do that. Okay, Jennifer are you here?
Brooke: Yay, hi Jennifer, how are you?
Jennifer: Fine, how are you?
Brooke: I'm great. Alright do you want me to read your email or do you want to just tell us?
Jennifer: I think it might be simpler and it’s probably, I realized after I sent it, it's a problem that everyone has, and I just feel like I'm stuck and I don't know how to motivate myself to take action.
Brooke: It says here that you're an actress, are you currently acting? Are you getting paid to act?
Jennifer: I get paid when I get roles but I'm not independently acting to make money right now.
Brooke: You have a full time job as well, in addition?
Jennifer: I wait tables; I do the traditional things in between acting gigs.
Brooke: Awesome, I love the way you ask the question. You said, "Is there a way to get myself to the place where I'm willing to do it?" You say you have a clear picture of what actions to take but is there a way to get yourself to the place where you're willing to do it or get myself to the place where I don't want to take these scary actions but I take them anyway? Such a good question, it's the same question I use with my weight loss clients. They know what they need to do. They know what they want to do but they can't get, "Unstuck" to actually take that action.
One of the things that I like to teach my students is something called, "Do goals" and I've talked about this in the podcast for those of you who listen to it, what you do is you create enough goals, enough actions that if you did them all the result you're looking for would be inevitable. It's really a powerful way. Now that doesn't mean, that doesn’t answer your question, because you said you know what actions to take but you can't get yourself to do them.
Tell me, and when you say you know what actions to take you're talking about the actions that you need to take to get more acting gigs or acting roles or are you talking about other actions?
Jennifer: Partly that and just to meet the goals that I set for myself. I know for instance, I am avoiding meeting agents and I'm avoiding meeting casting directors and I'm avoiding writing, which I do. I have finished some pieces but I'm writing things for myself to be performed either by me or by other people and I have a to-do-list and it's on my to-do-list, but I just don’t do it. I feel like I know what it is but I almost wonder if I'm wrong about what I think it is and that’s why I …
Brooke: What do you mean? You know what it is.
Jennifer: Well, my problem, I always think, "Okay, I know what the main problem is." I'm wondering if maybe I'm wrong about what the problem is and why I'm not taking action.
Brooke: Okay well, here's the thing I want you guys to think about, the idea of the model which is, right all of our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings drive our actions or our inactions, and our actions are what create results. What you have right now is inaction and your result is not enough work as an actress, yeah? The reason you don't have work as an actress is because you're not taking action to get it. Or enough action to get it. Would you agree with that?
Brooke: Now, let's talk about what is the feeling that is driving the inaction.
Jennifer: I'll answer you but that I am not sure if it’s the feelings.
Brooke: Okay sure.
Jennifer: I feel like it’s a sense of not being ready so I’m not sure if that’s an inadequacy maybe that feeling.
Brooke: The thought is that I am not ready and the feeling is inadequacy, right? When you are feeling inadequate the last thing you want to do is start taking a bunch of action. I mean it makes sense doesn’t it like if I feel inadequate, the last thing I want to do is go expose myself to 10 agents.
Brooke: Because I’m going to believe that the result there is going to be rejection. Okay so you can have a little compassion for yourself there right, where makes sense that you are not taking action at this point. Is that what you thought your problem was or did you have any different agent?
Jennifer: That’s currently what I thought I guess I just, I feel like it’s been here so long and I thought I had tackled it and I clearly haven’t. It’s probably didn’t work than it is now and maybe that’s what it is that I am better but I am still not at a point where I feel like it’s, that I am stronger than it is, if that makes sense.
Brooke: Okay so let’s talk about that why you don’t think you are ready so that your thought is, I am not ready. We can see that that type of thinking if you are thinking that way about it, we can see that it’s not going to get you the result you want so let’s talk about why you are thinking that?
Jennifer: Okay, well if I really and the more I see it as a thought I don’t actually believe that it’s true, like part of it means that it’s not true. Well I can tell you one of the things behind the why I am not ready is not being happy with my training or not t inking that my training is good enough. Because I didn’t go to, I did it myself and I started later in life and I get in my head what my beliefs are about what the right way, you have done it, would be.
Brooke: Okay so let’s imagine that you are going into an edge and so what do you do, you go in and read for them, yeah?
Brooke: Let’s imagine you are going in to read and you are coming in with,” I didn’t really have the right training, I started later in life and I’m not ready.” Okay those are going to create feelings of doubt and inadequacy and probably make you nervous, would be my guess. From that energy you are going to read for the part and my guess is you are not going to get it. Right, because that’s never the energy that creates results that you want. Here’s the thing that’s so interesting all of you to think about, with whatever it is, however this applies to you.
We think that we are just making observations. We think that we are just stating facts. I started late in life, the training I got wasn’t the typical training that people get right, it’s not the best training I could have gotten I am not ready. We think we are just making observations but really what we are doing is we are choosing our thoughts. We may not be choosing them consciously but of all the thoughts available to us, those are the three that you are going into your career with. You can see how there’s no way you are going to create the magic that you want to create when that’s what you are leading with.
Here’s another really important thing so they are not observations, they are actually choices you get to think whatever you want. In that most powerful tool in that is your mind, there is no tool more powerful nobody can win; the most powerful game with you because you have a brain. Of all the things that you could put into that most powerful tool to turn out results, you are putting in three very negative thoughts. Now this could be frustrating because you say, “Oh I looked at those thoughts and they are not logical I know they are not true. I’ve been thinking them for so long, I can’t imagine why I am still thinking them.” Then we compound our negative thinking with even more negative thinking, without even realizing that we are doing it.
It seems like it’s so simple, it seems like it’s so simple but it’s really not because it’s that program in your brain. Right, it’s the efficiency that it’s created. If you’ve been thinking it a long time and you thought you were over it, the only reason you are probably thinking that is because you recognized it before and you recognized it as illogical. It doesn’t make sense to you that you would keep thinking a thought that doesn’t serve you and it’s illogical. The brain is just used to doing it, you are not doing it because there’s something wrong with you, because you are not intelligent.
Right, you are doing it because your brain is efficient at doing it and like it’s just the efficient. Let’s think about, let me ask you this, I am going to take you over to the other side for a minute. Why do you want to be an actress?
Jennifer: I am just [inaudible 00:23:23] I just I love it, it makes me happy, I love the process. I almost love the rehearsal process more than I love performing it’s just, it’s exciting. I can tell you this, when I am acting on the end in a play nothing else matters, like I don’t care what’s happening in my life, I could have just broken up with my boyfriend and I don’t care.
Jennifer: Like this keeps me so fulfilled like artistically and intellectually, when I am acting I guess this is when I feel happiest.
Brooke: Tell me, what do you feel like you have something to offer?
Jennifer: I do.
Brooke: Tell me?
Jennifer: I like who I am as an actress, I think I am different. I feel like it’s, I am afraid to say it because I feel like it’s, it sounds arrogant but I think I am cool to watch and I think I am exciting on stage. I think its part of those, because I care so much and I think like how much I love being there, I think it translates into my work.
Brooke: Okay so one of the things I like to think about with any career is your offering to it. Because when you can think about it in terms of your offering it helps you get out of your own way. When it’s all about you, right it’s so easy to get caught up in your own brain. If you think about what you can provide which is entertainment, which is a moment for somebody to appreciate an experience of a character and why that would matter.
I think first that will really help you so it’s not, when everything is just about you, you are going to have one experience. When you think about the people that you are making the offering to and it’s bigger than you, I think that’s powerful. You have something to offer the audience, what do you have to offer, are you doing like on stage, are you doing?
Jennifer: Mostly on stage.
Brooke: Okay so what do you have to offer that will calm the director I would imagine? What do you have to offer the director, what do you do have to offer your cast-mates?
Jennifer: I offer hard work and commitment and generosity and a willingness to let them do whatever they need to do, to express themselves. I offer praise because I love just having fun.
Brooke: What do you have that’s different than maybe the actor next to you trying out for the same part, what is your unique spin do you think?
Jennifer: I think I am can be, I think more willing to be vulnerable than a lot of actors and to really make successful with myself because I think it has to do with that. It’s not all about being glamorous and …
Brooke: I think that is an exceptional quality not just as an actress but in a human being. It’s something that you could get very good at in auditions right and in going and speaking with agents. What do you have to offer an agent?
Jennifer: See that’s where I feel like I don’t, that’s where I get stuck because the whole thing about working with an agent is you need to be marketable. I know that you can go out and make the agent money and get soaked. That’s where I think I get stuck is, that’s my big place of getting stuck is like the thought I guess that I am not marketable. That I am not going to make them money. If I had …
Brooke: Why do you choose to believe that though?
Jennifer: Why do I choose to? I don’t know, I guess I do feel like on some level worthy of making that money or any money?
Brooke: Right so if you and this is by the way, everyone can like insert your problem here, this is what my coaches do with
all the time right. When they are trying to work with clients and they’re feeling like once there’s money involved that it just takes this thing that they love doing and they feel like they are good at and they feel like they have a lot to offer. As soon as you put a price tag on it, then they all get squeamish and out. Here’s the thing right, if you don’t have anything to offer an agent they are not going to take you on, nor should they, right.
You have to get to the place where you know that what you have to offer the agent is worth their time, is worth their while. What you have to offer them as a percentage of the money that you are willing to go out and earn isn’t that right.
Brooke: Okay so are you willing to go out and earn some money?
Brooke: Okay in order to do that you are going to have to get over what you think is an observation but really it’s a choice of a thought that you are not marketable. That you are not trained enough, that you are not ready. Those are your obstacles getting in between you and making money and by the way what I found so fascinating, is that what you say you are really good at, what you say you have to offer a play, is your vulnerability and your willingness to look silly and not be perfect.
That’s what going out there and being rejected is. It’s just exactly what it is. It’s going to serve you so much as an actress. Because this is what you have to be willing to do and this is true for all of us. You have to willing to go all in and get rejected and then go all in again and be rejected and never stop going all in. What most people do is they go all in on the first one they get rejected and then on the second one they go all in pretty much ensuring that they will get rejected and then on the third time, if they even allow themselves the third time, they go a quarter of the way in, because they don’t think they can handle the rejection.
If you it in the opposite way, meaning you go all in you get rejected, you go all in you get rejected, what you get very good at is being vulnerable and being rejected, being vulnerable and being rejected. What that creates for you, is fearlessness. You get good at having courage and here’s something that you may not realize what most of you may not realize is that courage doesn’t feel good. Courage sounds like, “Uh that would be a great emotion to have.” Think about it, if there’s no fear, there’s … Courage isn’t needed.
The fact that you are even feeling courage means there’s something that you are afraid of that’s why it doesn’t feel good. If you can get good at it, think about it if you were very courageous, unstoppably courageous. Meaning you are willing to be uncomfortable a significant amount of the time and be rejected a significant amount of the time, how would your life be different?
Jennifer: I would be giving a lot more, I wouldn’t be afraid to do things.
Brooke: Instead of feeling inadequate, now here’s, here’s something that’s interesting you all. Think about this. Inadequacy doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t get you anything, it’s not useful. Courage doesn’t feel good but it’s extremely useful. Same with determination doesn’t feel great but it’s extremely useful. If you are going to be uncomfortable, meaning feeling inadequate you might as well just shift it, right and go for courageous. I had a client, friend, colleague who wanted to get married and her excuse was, “There’s just not enough men out there.”
It’s like someone like you saying, “There’s just not enough parts out there, there’s not enough opportunity for me.” What I told her is, I said, “What if you were willing to go on 300 dates this year.” 300, chances are all 300 are not going to be your man or two dates, if you commit it that’s what we call a do goal. If you commit it to 300 dates what would you willing to do? If you are willing how many rejections are you willing to accumulate in order to achieve your dream? That means so much to you. Why that gets you emotional just thinking about, what are you willing to do for you, for your dream? Do you know?
Jennifer: You just made me think of the idea that you have to, something about you have to fail [inaudible 00:32:42] like for every yes there’s 1,000,000 no’s and like you have to be rejected like you cannot not be rejected in order to get things, before you get [crosstalk 00:32:53]
Brooke: Well normally that you have to earn your dream, you got to earn it. Dreams I don’t think our dreams are supposed to be easy. Most of us don’t dream about a job that’s easy to get and easy to do, it doesn’t require anything of us. We don’t dream about stuff like that, we dream about stuff that’s just out of our reach, because we know that well we have evolve to become the person that achieves that dream. You can’t stay stuck, you can’t stay where you are commiserating with yourself and achieve your dreams, you got to go out there and get it.
The way to go out there and get is to be super uncomfortable for an extending period of time. You are already uncomfortable right?
Brooke: That’s the tradeoff, you are still going to be uncomfortable it’s going to be a different flavor but it will be useful and it will be moving you towards something. Here’s the other thing and this is the magic you guys, if you go after your dream, if you are willing to go all in on yourself and you are willing to take the risk, even if you go all in on yourself and you don’t get as many parts as you want. Let’s say you go to 300 auditions, 300 in the next, let’s say year and half you commit. If you can, you’ll go to 300 auditions that’s your commitment.
Or maybe its 150 whatever seems reasonable to you and you commit to doing that. You may not get the part you want, you may not get your dream part but I promise you, you will be a different person on the other side. You’ll be able to say and this is what I say to myself all the time. This is like the, I talk about these moments of intimacy that you have with yourself, like when I achieve something or I do something that’s difficult. I say to myself, “I did that for you, I did that for you.” It was hard, I struggled, I was scared but I did it for you. That’s how you develop a relationship with yourself.
What happens is you go into the, talk to the agent; you do your best to sell them on you and your ability and what you are willing to do. You tell them that you are on a mission to go to 300 auditions, no one has probably told them not before. You are going to work harder than any other client that they’ve ever had, you will do whatever they say, no matter what, you are committed to doing it. You want to be the best clients they’ve ever had, how can you do that for them? You show up and you do it. If they say no, I don’t want you, I don’t think you are good enough, I don’t like your training, you leave there and you say I did that and you say to yourself, “I did that for you.”
I was willing to do that for you and that’s how you get stronger and stronger and stronger. Then you go all in with all these agents and then maybe on the 10th agent you are ready for them to reject you but you are still all in and they may say, “Hey, why not?” Then you say, “I did that for you.” You can decide to be stuck but don’t pretend like it isn’t a decision. People say to me that they are stuck as if they are choosing to be stuck. It’s like they are standing in free flowing water saying they are stuck, just step out of the water. It’s a choice, it’s not like you are on quick sand and you can’t get out.
Like what’s the best way to get unstuck is to take a step and to do something. For those of you who tell me that you are stuck, you have to own it as if it’s a choice. What I make all my clients say is, “I’m choosing to be stuck.” You can’t say, “I’m stuck but you can say I’m choosing to be stuck.” Do you feel the difference there?
Brooke: At the end of three months you could have gone on 20 auditions and been rejected on all 20 or you could go on no auditions and not be rejected once. Which would you prefer?
Jennifer: I’d rather be rejected that’s scary though.
Brooke: Isn’t that crazy.
Brooke: It’s because you want your dream, it’s because your want it, that’s why, what happens is you start, if you don’t fulfill the dream inside of you, it causes damage. You don’t actually have to fulfill for it not to cause damage but you must take action. Otherwise the pain becomes unbearable, you don’t have to like anesthetize yourself with food or drink or misery or you have to start taking action. For you I think what so many people like you feel like, is that it should feel good. It should feel good to go on an audition, it should feel good to talk to agents, the whole process should feel good, but it doesn’t.
The acting feels good. You got to earn it, it’s just like, for those of you who are coaches the coaching feels good when you are coaching someone you are, “I have arrived.” You got to earn, you got to earn the ability to have enough clients to coach. You got to go through that discomfort to be the person that has a lot of clients. To be the actress that has a lot of parts so when someone says to you, “How did you become such a successful actress? How do you get so many parts?” You will know that you’ve earned it, yeah.
Brooke: Let me ask you this, “Who is an actress that you admire that gets a lot of parts?”
Jennifer: Let me think, this thing is funny is that I think is because I thought but no one gets a lot of parts technically like even the good ones …
Jennifer: No one works for 20 times a year like that will be, it is an unusual to do more than two things like for even the best of best.
Brooke: Why do you think that is?
Jennifer: I guess well the reality of time probably and the number of progress that there are and maybe they didn’t want do the work and or they just weren’t suited for it but and they probably don’t need to so.
Brooke: Who would you say is the hardest working actor you know? What I mean by that is not once they get the part but everything that leads up to that?
Jennifer: Do you mean like a famous person or?
Brooke: No anyone, anyone that you know that does the work that’s required of you to get the parts and they work pretty steadily because they put in the work?
Jennifer: I was actually thinking of a friend of mine who actually the work that he does is more that he puts himself out there will say, this thought this is interesting, like that’s how, that’s what he, he spends a lot of a time doing it but it’s mostly just putting himself out there it’s not like he’s not like rehearsing or going to classes, he is … That work in really just trying to auditioning and trying to get parts.
Brooke: There’s something in that like being an actor is not just playing a part. That’s what we think, it’s just like being a coach isn’t just an hour on the phone with a client. There’s a whole other part to the job and I am so glad about it because it makes us better coaches. It’s the as true with you, going in and getting rejected over and over and over will increase your ability, your emotional landscape. Your ability to and your experience to be able to share that and knowing that when you earn a part that the work that you will then have to put into that part will be such a joy.
Not just because you enjoy that work more but because of how sweet it would have been to have earned it. This is true for all of you, if you have something that you want to do in your life, if you have something you have to earn it. There is no one that’s going to come with that winning lottery ticket and give it you and you know what? If they did it would be such a shame. Because your work would lay flat, your contribution would not be there and you wouldn’t get to say to yourself, “I did this for you.”
I feel like you are one of the really blessed people that you know what you want. You know it like in your bones; you can feel it so deeply. A lot of people come to me, they don’t know what they want, they don’t know their purpose, they don’t enjoy doing anything but you know, your invitation is there. You just keep looking at it trying to decide if you are going to accept it or not. Own that for sure and you are going to scared, you are going to be freaked out, you are going to be terrified and that’s okay. That’s never a reason for not doing what you feel so compelled to do.
Brooke: Because, let me ask you one final question. What is the worst thing that can happen?
Jennifer: Out of, if I actually go for it?
Jennifer: That it won’t happen I guess, that’s the worst thing that will happen is I’ll, I won’t get jobs and I will end up doing something else so it’s just down that path.
Brooke: Okay so and that will be pretty much where you are right now?
Brooke: The worst thing that can happen, the worst thing that could possibly happen you are guaranteeing is happening right now. That’s what we do, it’s so crazy, we are like, “Oh I’m so scared I may not get a part.” Wait what, “You don’t have a part now.” The worst thing that can happen is what you are experiencing right this second. You know what I mean, it’s like the work thing that can happen is someone says, “You are a terrible actor, you never should have started acting. I don’t even know what you are thinking and look at your training; I mean I don’t even know what’s going out with your training.” I feature that could be the worst; someone can be really cruel to you.
Brooke: Someone could say something really cruel to you and the only thing that matters the worst thing that can happen there is you will think a thought you will believe it and you feel horrible. That’s the worst that can happen is a negative feeling. Is a feeling of rejection, is a feeling of humiliation. If you are willing to allow the worst emotion to go through, flow through your body, there’s nothing you are not going to be willing to do. There’s nothing. I think, one of the things that I have been thinking a lot about is just practicing being rejected.
I ask people all the time, like whenever I order a bottle of wine at a restaurant I ask if I can have it for half price. Like, “Do you think we could get that for half, half?” They always look at me, “No.” Okay and I ask, I ask all the time, I ask, “Can we sit here, can we do this? Do you think we can have this at a discount? Can we throw that in for free? Can we have an upgrade?” Most of the time people say no, but I get good at hearing no, it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. That’s what you are being invited to do, that’s your payment for being an actress.
The question is, are you willing to pay it? Here’s the other thing, standing tall and saying yes this is the training I have, yes this is when I started as an actress and I own it and it doesn’t make me less of an actress, it makes me a better actress and here’s why and that’s what you go with. I’ll tell you something you have to believe in yourself, twice as much as they do. You cannot go in there expecting them to believe in you more than you believe in yourself, it’s unfair. It’s delegating your work to them and they are not going to want to do it and I don’t blame them.
You take care of believing in you that’s all you have to do and truly that’s what you can control. You can control if you believe in you, which is work you need to do and you can control how many agents you talk to and how many additions you go on. The rest of it you can control it so release it. You can’t control whether they believe in you, you can’t control any of that but you can control how you show up and what you are willing to deliver and how much confidence you have. Your dream is expecting you to do that, you are expecting you to do that for you so I will get on it.
Jennifer: Right awesome thank you so much. I really, you have me the best career advice like then, I have gone to career coaches and you are much better so.
Brooke: Thank you and I’m not even a career coach but here’s the thing, I know what it’s like to have a dream and to not be going after it. Its torture, its torture and I promise you going after it won’t be worse than that that I can promise you.
Jennifer: Great cool.
Brooke: Alright awesome.
Jennifer: Thank you.
Brooke: Thank you so much for volunteering, I think that was probably helpful for a lot of people. Okay let’s see Amanda, are you here?
Amanda: I am here.
Brooke: Okay so do you want to tell, you want me to read your email or do you want to just tell me?
Amanda I might just tell you, it’s somewhat similar. I have been in a same job for about 10 years now and I would say for about five years I have been saying that I need to leave and I need to find something, another job that I, where I feel like I am more passionate and it’s a better fit for my skills. I have been feeling like, I don’t know the best way to describe but like that’s not [inaudible 00:46:50] and over the years it’s just gotten stronger and stronger to the point where I feel like this is as good as it gets and that there really …
I feel like, it’s like I guess the best way to put is like a resignation that this is just the way it’s going to be and I do at times I try to set goals for myself and motivate myself but I just don’t get anywhere.
Brooke: It’s very similar right; it’s really exactly the same thing Jenifer is talking about. Like you have an inkling that you what to do something that you are more passionate about. She has an inkling that she wants to act more because she knows she loves it. It is really more comfortable in some ways to stay in the familiar. We misinterpret familiarity for comfort and it’s a big dream stealer. Because we get what we call stuck. Now when you say, “This is just the way it’s going to be, this is just it.” Again you are making that sounds like you are just making an observation about your life but really you are making a choice when you say that.
Amanda: Right, when you were talking on before that [inaudible 00:48:12] yes.
Brooke: It’s absolutely a choice; now why not just stay in this current job?
Amanda: I feel sad, I feel [crosstalk 00:48:22] I’m sorry. Well no, I feel like there are days where I’m really I am bored. There are days I almost feel like, I know, like a walking zombie, it’s like just getting from A to B to C and I don’t feel like I am using my skills in the way that I could. Then there’s the safety part of it where it’s a decent paying job, you have benefits and I never thought I would be that person. There’s a little bit of fear of what if, I make, I do get another job and my world falls apart?
Brooke: Well here’s the thing the way that you speak is as if your life happens to you. The job happens to you, the new job will happen to you if you get another job … Let me tell you how my mind works so you can have some perspective. If I am in a job that I, the only thing about the job that I like is that they pay my health insurance and they give me a check that pays my bills, that’s the only thing I like about. I think I’m going to go to a different job where I might be more passionate and I might like it more but I may not like it more.
I’m going to go try that job and if I don’t like that one, I’m just going to go get another one. I’m going to keep going and trying to get jobs until I find one that I truly like. The other piece of that is, is you have to understand why you don’t like the job you are in? Because in order to find a job that you know you’ll be more passionate about you have to figure out what’s going inside of you. That’s why you are in that reactive mode because you are like, “I don’t know why I feel the way I do so I’m just going to switch jobs and maybe that job will change the way I feel.”
If you really understand why you feel dispassionate about this job and you are not enjoying it and you are clear why, then you will be able to make a much more conscious deliberate decision about where you want to go and why. Here’s the thing, you’ll be willing to risk the house insurance, you will be willing to risk the paycheck because you will believe in yourself enough to know that safety is something you can create not something that your job gives. I think that is one of the biggest changes we had from our parent’s generation to our generation. Because parent’s generation, they really did believe that their corporations provided them with safety.
They had their pension, you stayed in the career your whole life, you had your benefit, you had your insurance, you had everything within that. Time shave really changed I mean you can get laid off in a hot minutes now. I think there’s a less of a belief in that, there’s less of a knowing that you are going to be safe or that some company can provide that for you. If you weren’t worried about the insurance and you weren’t worried about the paycheck those are the two reasons, then what would prevent you from leaving?
Amanda: Nothing really.
Brooke: Nothing okay.
Amanda: There is a little bit of what you talked earlier a little bit of feeling of inadequacy so it’s almost like my own, it’s a way of protecting myself the whole rejection type thing.
Brooke: Go going out and interviewing for jobs and putting resumes out there and you exploring or even switching jobs and facing that potential rejection, which is something you are not experiencing in your current job.
Brooke: Then the question becomes and I don’t know the answer for you but you have to make a decision. Is the pain that you are feeling in the job now of not being rejected, of having the safety and the security that you believe your job is providing for you, is that more important than you loving your job and enjoying it?
Amanda: No, no it’s not. The fact that it’s … The feelings it robs me from energy and that affects other areas of my life … No it’s not.
Brooke: The worst thing that can happen is you quit your job, you go get another job and you hate it?
Brooke: Okay but then you are just right where you are right now?.
Amanda: Pretty much it’s yes.
Brooke: Really the worst, worst thing it can happen is that you quit your job you go to another job and then they fire you, then you have no job, okay.
Brooke: Is that the worst thing that could happen? Because tell me where you would be then?
Amanda: Then I would be looking for something else; I would just keep looking for something else. In some ways I almost wish I would get fired, which makes sense at all yes.
Brooke: Let’s think about this for a minute. The worst thing that can happen is that you could get fired and then you would be out looking for a job. What you presented me with on this call is that you wish that you were out looking for a job?
Brooke: Isn’t that wild, it’s like the very thing we are most afraid of is the exact thing that we need to be doing.
Brooke: For you the question becomes, are you the one in control of your life? Are you the one navigating and creating your life or are you letting your life happen to you? Are you on default mode? Just allowing it to happen and it sounds like you have been in this job letting that happen for about five years.
Brooke: It’s completely deflating you. You say, “I wish they would fire me because I don’t have the guts, I don’t have the courage, I’m not utilizing the courage to go out there and get it for myself. I want someone to do it for me?”
Amanda: Well in the past, jobs that meaning that I have been in a job and another job, it’s just been unrelated. It’s just starts in the way it is and I get now that I need to create that and it’s not comfortable.
Brooke: Right and so I think that’s the important question to ask yourself is to say, first I like to think what will my future self say? What would my future self say to me, 10 years from now if I am in the same job, what would I say to me? Or what would I say to me if I took all these risks and spiced it up a little bit and risked a little bit in my life? The worst thing that can happen is sometimes the best thing that can happen and one of the things that you need to understand is, I think the reason you don’t like this job is because you aren’t fulfilling your potential not only in the job that you have but in your willingness to create your own life.
If you felt more adequate, if you felt more capable, if felt more determined, first of all you will be much happier in the job you are in because you would recognize that you have the choice to leave. I’ve seen this happen with my client so often, once they get the courage enough and they feel adequate enough to start looking for a job, they start enjoying their job more because it’s not the job that’s providing them with the happiness, you know what I mean? It’s them.
That’s what you have to determine, is how do you want to feel about yourself? It is not a default, how you feel about yourself it is just something that’s just happening, it’s happing you are creating. You are creating your life, whether you are acknowledging it or not. The life you are choosing is this one.
Amanda: It’s scary.
Brooke: It didn’t just happen to you, it’s a choice and you choose to do it every … It’s not the job that you would like to have.
Amanda: I would like to have a job where I am actually more hands-on, now what I do I’d like to be actually working with people, doing more, working in a nonprofit doing hands-on work and right now I do grants. I review grants and make recommendations and then chat to people who are actually doing the work. I’d rather be one of the people doing the work.
Brooke: It sounds like you might have a lot of contacts for that?
Amanda: I do, I do.
Brooke: I want you to and this is something I do with myself. I do a lot of future self work with myself. If I knew that within one year I for sure would have a job with one of these organizations it’s a done deal, I would for sure have the job. I’d be making more money and I’d have full benefits and I would be, we’re working with people that were more like minded and I would be much more alive in the work that I was doing. If I knew that it was going to happen for me which is how you like to look at your life?
Brooke: What would I do differently? How would you show up differently? What would you do? If my future says, “Listen this is where we end up but you have to do the work to get here what would you do?
Amanda: I would start networking, I would start doing the research and looking into the different opportunities and I would feel more confident. I think that would just make me feel and more alive.
Brooke: Here’s the thing if you were to talk to, let’s use example like you were using with Jennifer. If you were to talk to maybe 50 of these organizations that you could potentially could work, because it sounds like your skill-set might be amazing very valuable to them. If you were talk to 50 of them, your chances of one of them giving you an interview pretty high.
Brooke: That’s what we talk about with the do goals. Whatever you think you might need to do, I like to times it by 10.
Brooke: Then it makes the destination inevitable so if you believed that you could create that for yourself, if you would create that, what you have to think about is, how would you have to feel in order to do all that? What you said is confidence. What you need to do is create the brain space that generates confidence. When you feel confident you are going to take that action for yourself. Now you are also going to feel a lot of courage because you are afraid.
Brooke: You think that you are just a pathetic because you’ve just accepted that this is your life but I think a pathetic feels better to you than fear so I think that’s what you are choosing to do. They are both uncomfortable so I will just tie in a new flavor of discomfort because and think about that at the end of … How do you want to feel about you at the end of the day? How do you want to feel towards yourself? What do you want to do, what are you willing to do for yourself? I think that’s a different way of looking at it, that both of you guys are struggling with.
Amanda: Right great.
Brooke: It’s a really powerful way to do it. Remember the worst that can happen is that you will be looking for a job.
Brooke: What you want to be doing is looking for a job.
Amanda: Right, yes.
Brooke: Pay attention to how you are thinking about your current job if you bash your current job, you are just going to be feeling terrible so you don’t want to do that. How do you want to think about yourself and your potential and where you want to go and that’s going to generate that confidence for you. Does that make sense? Okay awesome.
Amanda: That’s great. I love the future self that’s great that really helps a lot.
Brooke: Totally awesome, awesome. You don’t want to say like, “Sorry I didn’t do that for you, sorry we are still here.”
Amanda: 10 years later.
Brooke: Exactly. It’s true alright.
Amanda: That’s great, thank you.
Brooke: I’m so glad that both of you had the similar thing and there were two other people that had the exact same thing that wanted to be coached today so even though I wasn’t able to coach you. I hope you really benefited from what we talked about with Amanda and Jennifer. Because it truly is up to you whether you live the life you want, you are creating your life either way. Your life is your choice either way. You get to decide what you want to do with it and you have to earn your dreams. You have to earn it but I tell you what, even though it’s hard, there is nothing better.
I don’t think that we came to this planet to be comfortable. I think the work; the reason why the work is so gratifying is because the direction we are meant to be going. For any of you on this call listening that would be my wish for you. Is that each of you would think about what is my dream and I’m I willing to earn it? The worst that can happen is a negative emotion and you are probably already feeling a negative emotion if you are not already trying to achieve your dream. Really think about that for yourself, all of you because that can be the most powerful change that you ever make. Is just deciding that you are going to go after and earn your dream.
Whether it ends up, where you think it’s going to end up or not, doesn’t become the most important thing. The most important thing is that you went out there and inspiration found you working. Alright so we are going to do another call in another two weeks, any of you that still want coaching make sure you resubmit and we will talk to you all in two weeks, I think that call would be at 10 AM but Crystal for sure sends out the information. Have a wonderful evening everybody and take care.
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