What Is the Self Coaching Model?
The Self Coaching Model (the Model) is the tool I created that you can use to solve any problem.
The Model is the way the Universe works. I just put it into a practical tool you can use in your daily life. I created the Model based on years of research and studying.
Click below to download The Self Coaching Model Guide—a document containing the complete components of the Model and the steps to use it to solve any problem in your life.
Through all my studying and research, I found so much information on the specific components of the Model (thinking, feelings, circumstances, and more), but there wasn’t a way for me to apply that information to my daily life. That’s why I created the Model.
The basic premise of the Model is that your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your actions, and your actions create your results. This is what I help my students use and apply to their lives in Self Coaching Scholars, my coaching program, to solve their day-to-day problems.
Circumstances → Thoughts → Feelings → Actions → Results
Before I show you how to use the Model in your life, let’s take a look at each component of the
Circumstances are facts that can be proven in a court of law. Here is one example: I am 5’5” tall.
The fact that I am a certain height is measurable, provable, and not debatable.
This is how circumstances work. They’re always facts that everyone agrees on and can be proven (e.g. the computer is an Apple product, the girl spilled her coffee, the purse is black).
Besides basic facts, there are two additional components to circumstances: your past and other people’s actions. The events of your past are circumstances.
For example, if your mom came over to your house last week at 10 am without calling first, that is a circumstance. It’s a fact. It’s her action. It already happened.
If your mom calls you right now and says she’s coming over, that is also a circumstance. She called and said she’s coming over. It’s a fact that she called, and it’s not debatable by anyone.
Circumstances—the facts of your life—are neutral. That means they’re neither good nor bad. Circumstances only become good or bad based on the thoughts we have about them.
Thoughts are sentences in your head. For example, thinking that your mom is being overbearing by coming over unannounced is a thought. That is your opinion. Many people could have different opinions about the same circumstance.
You know a thought is a thought and not a circumstance if there are any descriptive words or opinions in the sentence around the facts. Even if 100 people out of 100 agree on something, it’s still a thought because it can’t be proven as a fact. The number of people agreeing with a thought doesn’t make it a circumstance. It’s still a thought.
Any time you add a qualifier to a circumstance, you are choosing to think a thought. If you say, “She had a horrible past,” that is a thought, no matter how many people agree with you. The descriptor “horrible” is a thought about her past.
As human beings we have approximately 60,000 thoughts per day. Most people have unsupervised minds, meaning they don’t intentionally choose their thoughts. That is what gets them into big trouble; they feel so bad on a regular basis without knowing why or how to process their emotions.
Nothing that happens in your life is amazing or horrible until you decide to have a thought about it to make it that way. Everything is a circumstance until you put a thought to it.
If you haven’t trained your brain to think intentionally, you will continue to repeat your past and have the same old thoughts you’ve always had. That’s why so many people repeat their pasts.
Your brain will recreate your past if you don’t train it to create new results for your future. This is what you can do with the Model.
Feelings are vibrations in your body.
We're not taught how to feel. Because of the way our brains have developed to avoid pain, we typically avoid, resist, and react to negative emotions. We need to learn how to notice, acknowledge, and name our feelings and experience them as vibrations in our body.
When using the Model, feelings should be described in one word. Examples of feelings that can be expressed in one word are happy, sad, angry, ashamed, determined, joyful, uncertain, and depressed.
Many people confuse thoughts and feelings. For example, if someone asks you how you felt about your mom coming over unannounced, you might say, “I'm frustrated because she is overbearing.”
In this example, the feeling you're having is frustration. The thought you're having about the circumstance is that your mom is overbearing. Your mom coming over unannounced is not, in and of itself, frustrating. It's a neutral circumstance.
Your thought that you mom is overbearing is causing you to feel frustrated.
Distinguishing between thoughts and feelings is critical to feeling better. Understanding that your thoughts cause your feelings is how to feel better without changing your circumstances.
No one can cause you to feel a certain way. Your thoughts about what someone did (or didn't do) is what causes you to feel something. No one is jumping into your body and causing the vibrations of emotions.
Your thoughts cause your emotions–always.
This is great news, because it means you can choose how you want to think and, therefore, how you want to feel.
That doesn't mean you'll feel good all the time. In fact, you'll feel bad about 50% of the time. But you'll feel bad because you're choosing to feel bad, not because someone else is making you feel bad.
Why might you choose to feel bad? Because you want to be the type of person who is disappointed when your trust is betrayed, heartbroken when your spouse cheats on you, or devastated when your child is injured. Part of being human means there is bad with the good.
When you say someone else makes you feel a certain way, you give your power away. And in my experience, other people are notoriously bad at making us feel the way we want to feel. That is another reason to be thankful that you alone are responsible for how you feel.
Actions are what you do, don’t do, or react to (i.e. actions, inactions, and reactions). In the Model, your feelings cause your actions, inactions, or reactions.
For example, let’s say by feeling frustrated with your mom coming over unannounced, you decide not to talk to her for the rest of the week. The frustration you felt drove the action of giving her the silent treatment.
Your actions, inactions, and reactions will be based on the feeling that caused them. If you’re not taking action and wondering why, ask yourself what the feeling is that you’re having right before you want to take action. Then, work backwards to determine what thought is driving the feeling.
Results are the consequences or outcomes of your actions, inactions, or reactions.
Using the same example, the consequence of you not talking to your mom for a week might be that your relationship suffers and that you’re not as close.
The problem with most coaching is that it focuses solely on changing your actions. When you change your actions and don’t change the thoughts and feelings behind the actions, there’s resistance, which makes it difficult—if not impossible—to see real change. That is treating the symptom instead of the root cause of the problem.
The Model is a way for you to solve any problem, instead of only fixing the symptom temporarily.
How to Use the Model in Your Daily Life
Here’s how I teach my students in Self Coaching Scholars to use the Model in their daily lives.
First, write down “C, T, F, A, R” (the acronym for the components of the Model) in a vertical column, as pictured below.
Second, fill in one line. It can be any line that you want to solve for; it doesn’t have to be the action line or feeling line.
For example, let’s say you want to know why you’re not getting up at 5 am despite really wanting to get up early to work out. You would put the inaction of not getting up at 5 am on the action line.
A Not getting up at 5 am
Third, fill in the remaining lines:
C – Exercise
T – Even if I do it, it won’t make a difference.
F – Apathetic
A – Not getting up at 5 am, don’t exercise
R – No difference is made.
When you discover the underlying thought causing the results in your life, you become aware of how you are responsible for all your results. That awareness shows you how you’re already creating the results, which means you can change your thoughts to achieve different results.
Finally , decide what you want your new thought to be and incrementally change it.
Your thoughts only lead to your results if you actually believe the thoughts.
For example, if your thought is “Even if I do it, it won’t make a difference,” you can’t start repeating, “Working out is going to make a huge difference,” because you don’t actually believe it. If you repeat a thought you don’t believe, nothing will change. Instead, you need to repeat a new thought that you do believe, such as “I am human, and it’s OK that working out hasn’t worked for me in the past; that doesn’t mean it can’t work for me in the future.” That thought is neutral, one that incrementally moves you away from the negative thought. (Again, the thought only works if you truly believe it.)
You have to incrementally change your thoughts from negative to neutral and then to positive to make real change. I call that process “laddering your thoughts”. That is what I teach and coach my students in Self Coaching Scholars.
Once you start to use the Model, you’ll begin to see that you have the power within you to choose what results you want to create. That is power. That is how you change your entire life to be exactly what you want it to be.