Ep #344: How You Talk to Yourself
The way we talk to ourselves is very subtle and very important. We can think we’re telling ourselves words that will work to help us create the results we want, when they’re actually holding us back from massive growth in life.
I’ve heard many people, including those of you doing the work of coaching. use these words lately. You say things like, “I want to get better at X” and feel that that thought is positive and will help you get better.
I’m here to tell you that it won’t.
When you become aware of your self talk and start listening more carefully, you can identify the ways in which you are hindering your growth such as missing out on the abundance that you are right now. When you question your self talk, write down what you say and read it back, you’ll understand that statements that feel positive can be quite negative.
In today’s episode, I get real with you all about how you’re talking to yourself and the seemingly harmless thoughts you’re choosing to think. These thoughts are poison, and they don’t allow you to create from future you. Listen in as I point out the subtle differences in the thoughts that hold you back and ones that propel you forward in life. That’s your work.
Talk to yourself like you’re the most precious, amazing, awesome person in the world. Because you are.
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What You will discover
- Some of the destructive thoughts I’ve caught my friends and clients thinking.
- Why you’ll never hear me talk about wanting to get better at making money.
- Why it’s not useful to identify with your past self.
- The importance of identifying with your future self.
- Why there’s no need to look for errors in yourself to fix.
- How to think thoughts that celebrate the abundance you already are.
Featured on the show
- Learn more about the Self Coaching Scholars program.
Get the Full Episode Transcript:download the transcript
You are listening to The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo, episode number 344.
Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems and real coaching. And now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
Well hello my beautiful friends. I am excited today. Excited to talk to you, excited to cover this topic about how to talk to yourself. Before I do that, I just want to give you some heads up. I recently did the awards for our coaches.
Every year we do at our mastermind event, we hand out awards for everyone who crossed the 100K mark, everyone who crossed the million-dollar mark, and then this year, we had a new award for our first student to reach 10 million.
And I’m really excited to let you know that I’m going to do an episode where I talk about the extraordinary success that our students are having. It is really a testament to the model and the working and the coaching work that we’re doing on ourselves to be able to create so many women entrepreneurs making over six, even, and now even eight figures in our industry.
I couldn’t be any prouder of what our students have been able to accomplish. I am overwhelmed by this list of students and what they’ve achieved. Each student who accomplishes the 100K, million, or 10 million receives a Tiffany’s award.
And we had a lot of them. So I’m excited to tell you more about that. I’m going to have more people on the podcast from those award winners to talk about their experience. But let it be said that I couldn’t be more proud and thrilled, and I’m excited to share it with you.
The second thing I wanted to tell you is that I’m going to be doing an episode coming up here shortly about my CEO. That’s all I’m going to say about that. But let me just tell you, it’s been a very emotional journey building this company and hiring a CEO to run it and we’re in the home stretch, my friends, and I can’t wait to share that with you.
The next thing is one of my friends and I, Aprille Franks and I just got back from Vegas. She lives in Vegas. I went to Vegas to meet with her and we designed a course on under-earning, how to stop under-earning by using your feminine power.
Aprille is one of those minds that I want to give you access to through me. She has a way of approaching her business, a way of looking at life, a way of showing up in the world that I admire so much and I’m so excited to create this class with her and to teach this class with her. And we’re going to do a podcast together that talks about the concepts that are in the course that we’re teaching.
But I just want you to kind of put it in the back of your mind that you will be taking this course with us. It is so good. The ideas and the conversation and what came up for us is all brand-new material that we’ve both had extraordinary success in our businesses.
And what most of you know is that when I’m doing things in my own life, in my own business, I’m always thinking about you. How do I help other women, other people do what I’m doing? And so I always have this running narrative in the back of my mind that is always creating not just the results in my life but also the curriculum for the results in my life.
And so I feel like this collaboration is going to be one of those magical experiences and we’re going to teach it live. And as you all know, I rarely teach courses live anymore unless it’s in Self-Coaching Scholars, but this is one of those exceptions because I really want to do this collaboration and support her and her business, and also expose all of you to our collaborative ideas that I think will change your lives if you’re interested in making lots of money as a woman.
And you men can come too. And then the last thing I’m working on - it’s not the last thing, but another thing that I’m working on is a program on relationships. And I kind of tease this a couple podcasts ago, but I wanted to tease it again.
I am, as most of you already know, I am single and have been single and dating. And have come up with the concept of the 90-day relationship, and it has been life-altering for me. And the curriculum that has come out of that work that I’m doing is like nothing I’ve ever taught before.
And I’m going to teach it live as well, and it will be one of those opportunities if you’re interested in building a romantic relationship and you want some of my insight on how to approach it and how to do it, will be a class that you want to join.
So I’ve been doing a lot of course creation, which is so fun and so exciting. And we’ll be doing a lot of the ideas and curriculum in Scholars too, so you’ll be getting some sneak peaks in there and some visibility on what we’re actually working on, so I’m really, really excited about all the things that are going on.
I’ve been traveling, like I said. I went to Las Vegas and then my girlfriend Tonya and I went to Beverly Hills and now we’re back in Austin. And just the other night, we were sitting around talking about money, which I love to talk about, and I was noticing some of what was happening with my friends who don’t make as much money as they would like is the way they talk to themselves.
And so I wanted to do a podcast on this because it’s very subtle the way we talk to ourselves, and both of these friends of mine are exposed to my work and understand my work and I’ve corrected them many times, and they still are saying things that are interfering with their ability to move beyond their current models.
And it’s because they don’t even realize that the thoughts that they’re having are so destructive. And when you become aware of your own thoughts, sometimes you only get the conscious ones, like you only get the big ones that sound terrible and negative, and you miss the more subtle ones that are keeping you in your financial vortex.
And so I wrote down actually - because I’ve been correcting my friends on this, I wrote down many of the thoughts that I’ve been correcting them on and I wanted to share them with you on the podcast because I think many of you might be having some of the same struggles that they are.
So what I mean by the struggle is many of you have studied my work and you have impossible goals and you have financial goals. And you’re working towards doubling your businesses. And sometimes, what happens is we set those goals for ourselves and we’re not hitting the touchstone, the touchpoint on the way to those goals.
So for example, if we say we want to make 100K a year, we could be halfway through the year and we’ve only made 10K. So we feel like we’re not quite where we need to be in order to get the result we want, and that’s very common. That happens to me as well.
Happens to everyone who is out pursuing a life bigger than the life they currently have. And one of the things that I want to point out though that’s important for you to pay attention to is when you look at those circumstances in your life, when you look at the actual money that you are making, what are your thoughts around that current circumstance?
Because your current circumstance will trigger thoughts that will create results, which will then become your new circumstances. So you need to be paying attention to how you are relating to the current circumstances in your life.
And here are some of the sentences that I hear a lot of my friends saying. Let me give you the first example actually. I was talking to one of my friends and he said, “I want to get better at attracting money.” And I pointed out to him, I said when you say it like that, I want to get better at attracting money, the underlying thought there is I’m not good enough at attracting money because I need to get better at it, right?
Sounds very innocent. Sounds very lovely. Sounds like a good idea. Get better at attracting money, why not? But without understanding that that thought is perpetuating the idea that you’re not already good at it, you’re missing my whole lesson on how we have to be our future self before we can create the results.
We have to think as if we are already getting the result in order to get the result. So someone who is attracting the amount of money that they want to be attracting in their life would never be thinking I need to get better at attracting money.
They would be thinking a thought like I am very good at attracting money, I attract money very easily, money is attracted to me. It seems subtle, it seems like there’s very little difference, but I’m telling you, the difference is huge.
So many of you will - you’ll hear me talk a lot about how much I love money and how much money I have and how wealthy I am and how wonderful it is to be so wealthy. And now that I am very wealthy, it makes sense that I say those things. Like the result is already there in many ways.
But I was thinking this way before I had this money. That is the reason that I have it. I was already in the place of being here for years before that money actually showed up. So you won’t hear me saying I got to get better at attracting money, I got to get better at making money.
You’ll never hear me say that because even though I want to make more money than I’m making now, I want to create that energy from my future self, from the woman that already is making 100 million dollars a year. So when I’m making 100 million dollars a year, I’m never going to say I should get better at attracting money. It’s just not an appropriate thing to say when I’m in the complete vortex of 100 million. See what I’m saying?
So pay attention to those subtle thoughts that seem positive and ask yourself, if I already had the result that I’m seeking, would I be thinking this thought? And if the answer is no, then adjust the thought so it would be yes. This is a thought that I would have.
So I’m very good at attracting money, I’m very good at making a contribution, I’m very good at creating value and receiving money, that’s true solidly now and when I make 100 million. So those thoughts work for me at all of the levels. See what I’m saying?
Let me give you some other examples. And remember, this is how you talk to yourself. So these will be sentences in your mind that you are saying to yourself. So as a scholar of yourself, you have to be aware of what you’re saying and also what you’re hearing from your own self.
And that is a skillset that you have to develop and it’s something that I’ve taught you all over this podcast, but I also want you to recheck with your awareness. Because what I notice with my friends is they’re saying these thoughts out loud and I can tell the reason they’re saying them out loud is because they think they’re true, and the reason they think they’re true is because they’ve thought them so many times.
They don’t even realize that they’re just reiterating a thought. They think they’re just telling me the facts. And they think it’s a fact because they’ve thought it so many times that it’s just naturally running through their brain.
So the first one is I need to get better at, or I’m getting better at. Sounds innocent enough. It’s not. Do not go into thoughts like that for yourself because the underlying thought is I’m not good enough at it yet, so don’t tell yourself I want to get better at something.
The next one I hear a lot is I’m trying to. I’m trying to is not a useful thought. I’m trying to, put anything after that and then ask yourself how you feel. It’s not going to be good. Don’t try to do anything. Just do it. Don’t say I’m trying to make more money. I am making more money.
Feel the difference, you guys. Put that in your T line and feel the difference between those two thoughts. I’m trying to make more money, versus I am making more money. Even when I say I am making more money, I can feel the energy behind it. I can feel myself being ignited by it, versus I’m trying to make more money is deadening.
The next one is very similar to that one. I’m working on it. I’m working on, and then whatever it is. Working on getting better at attracting money, I’m working on my thoughts around money, I’m working on my funnel so I can make more money.
A lot of times, I’ll hear my friends and students say things like I’m just not good at that, as if it’s a fact. Now, here’s what I want to tell you. Even if it is true that you are not good at something, it is not useful to think you’re not good at something.
It’s not a good use of your brain energy to tell yourself you’re not good at something, even if you aren’t. For example, I am not good at dunking a basketball. Facts. Not good at it. But I don’t spend any time thinking about not being good at dunking a basketball. It’s an irrelevant use of my mind energy and my mind space.
So if you’re not good at something, that’s fine. Either get good at it if you want to get good at it, or just don’t talk about it anymore. Another one I hear a lot of, and this is a very innocent one but it’s so poisonous. And I hear this a lot when I’m coaching people and I point out to them mistakes that they’re making or things that they’re doing that are interfering with their ability to create a result they want.
And instead of just acknowledging wow, I am not good at doing that, or whatever, I’m trying to do that, all these negative thoughts that we have, instead of doing that, when you’re being coached on something, just acknowledging it and letting it go and moving on, instead of saying I’m so much better than I used to be.
And people say, well, I’m just trying to give myself some credit. I’m trying to give myself some credit for my progress. This is not useful. I’m so much better than I used to be. You don’t want to be identifying yourself in relationship to your past.
So when I say I’m so much better than I used to be, I’m looking at my past to define myself now, and my standard in my past was so low that I’m feeling good about myself now because of the progress that I’ve made, but I’m missing out on the opportunity to identify myself from my future instead.
This is who I am now. So instead of saying I’m so much better at thought work than I used to be, when you find yourself coming up short in thought work, just let that thought go and just say I’m a master at thought work. Feel the difference in those thoughts. So subtle but so huge.
And the last one is it’s going to take some time. These changes are going to take some time. I think we say that innocently to give ourselves some space and to reduce our own anxiety, but we also perpetuate concepts that aren’t necessarily true.
Many changes can happen in an instant, in a decision. You don’t have to wait. It doesn’t have to take a bunch of time. It can just be done. So when you tell yourself I’ve been doing this my whole life, so it’s going to take a long time for me to change, or it’s going to take a long time for me to get over this, or it’s going to take a long time for me to be different - I was talking to another friend of mine, I think I talked about this on the podcast before, but we were laughing about it.
This whole idea of I’ve been trying to find out what’s wrong with me so I can change it. I’ve been on the what’s wrong with me program. It’s like, the worst program ever. Can you imagine? How to find out what’s wrong with you.com. And yet so many of us are on it.
We were calling it the suffering Olympics. Like the suffering competition. It’s like, who can find out what’s wrong with them the fastest and who has the most things wrong with them that they need to fix? There’s nothing wrong with you, my friends. Nothing wrong with you.
You don’t need to look for errors in yourself. You are 100% amazing right now and you always have been. Nothing to fix. Nothing to fix here, folks. When you tell me everything that’s wrong with you and you identify what’s wrong with you based on something that happened to you in your past or something that you’ve done in your past, or something that was done to you in your past, you just perpetuate it.
Let’s go on what’s right with you.com. Isn’t that way better? What’s right with your life? What’s right with you? What’s right with your people? Let’s play that game. Notice how often you tell your sad stories. Notice how often you complain. Notice how often you justify.
I had another friend who’s funny. He’s a vegan and he wants me to become vegan and he’s always telling me about how all the garbage in terms of meat that I put into my body and what it’s doing to me and he’s like, very frustrated with me. He’s very bossy. Wants me to be vegan.
And I was telling him, I was laughing because of his money mindset. And I was like hey, listen, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll eat more vegan food if you adjust your money mindset. And he was like, well, what’s wrong with my money mindset? And I said you have a really negative money mindset.
He’s like, no I don’t, I have a great money mindset. And I said no, you do. I said you need to start identifying with how abundant you are and how rich you are and how many opportunities you have and how much money you have and you need to celebrate that.
And what he said was, well, where I come from, you don’t talk like that. And then my friend Tonya said, but where you’re going, that’s exactly how we talk. I was like, boom, mic drop, what?
Where I come from, we don’t talk like that. But then Tonya said, but where you’re going, that’s how you get to talk. You get to celebrate the abundance that you are in that space.
And that can change in an instant. You can have that in this exact moment right now as you start identifying yourself with the result you want in the future, instead of defining yourself by the past.
You do not want to win the suffering Olympics. You do not want to justify your pain that is self-created. Your victimhood that is self-created. You do not want to find things that are wrong with you so you can fix them. You want to release the suffering. You want to learn and grow through ecstasy and joy and fun.
You want to identify yourself with who you most want to be. You want to start being the person that has the things that you want to create in your life. So ask your brain to monitor what it’s saying to yourself. And when you notice yourself saying things that you wouldn’t be saying if you had the result you want, stop saying those things.
And if you have friends who are doing this work with you, point it out to them. The subtle ones, oh, I’m trying, I’m getting better, you should have seen me last week, that seem so innocent and pure are poison, my friends. Pay attention.
Create from your future and talk to yourself like you are the most precious, amazing, awesome person in the world because you are. I’ll talk to you next week.
Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out Self-Coaching Scholars. It's my monthly coaching program where we take all this material and we apply it. We take it to the next level and we study it. Join me over at the TheLifeCoachSchool.com/join. Make sure you type in the TheLifeCoachSchool.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in Self-Coaching Scholars. See you there.